Mainly it's because my Beloved is at class, and has been gone since 6:14. It is not 9:18. I get really weird when he's not here...it's like parts of me are missing. I have to do something. So I started with one blog post, then I did laundry. Then I did the dishes. Then I lit candles everything all over the place. I made the bed. I scrubbed the stove. While I was doing these things, I thought a whole bunch. I am now going to share those thoughts. Because he's not home yet.
So I was out in my kitchen doing this huge mountain of dishes, marveling that with only two people, we make that big of a mess and thinking that I was never going to finish this huge pile. As I was doing that though, I was thinking about a friend of mine.
See, a few years ago, all I wanted, was to be married. I wanted to be married and have kids and my own house and I wanted to clean it and all that goes along with that. Needless to say, I was incredibly jealous of any person that had what I wanted. More than that, I was jealous of people who had that, and in my opinion, didn't take care of what they had. I used to go to her house and clean. Not because I was being a good friend (except for select few times) but because I wanted to show her and other people, "See, I could do this better."
Not at the time, I didn't know that I was jealous, I couldn't pin point what it was that was making me feel so mean and green, but in retrospect, I get it. What's more, I get it. Because tonight, there was this huge pile of dishes and man, I tell ya, I did not want to do them. I didn't. They've been there since yesterday, but dude, I would have been happy letting them sit. Only of sheer boredom and that crazy feeling that I wanted my Beloved to be home did I do the dishes.
I guess we all realize why we do the things we do. Even if it's years and years later. That happens to me a lot. I think a lot about things. And I realize why I did them. It took me a little while to get to that part in the bible that says,
Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility, consider others better than yourself.
(Philippians 2:3)
And to that friend who I was (and still am, truthfully) a little jealous of, I'm sorry. I did like helping you. Especially for the two gifts you've given me in return...I can't take those back for anything, nor would I want to. We really are growing up, aren't we? ;) (Also, if it snows this Sunday I'm going to punch the weather in the face.)
It was just a passing thought, one that I wanted to share. For some reason. I have no problem telling people my faults, because, well, art is a work in progress. Some pieces take years and years to finish.
And isn't that all we are? Unfinished pieces of art? I hope so.
That means that in time, I'll be even more beautiful than I am now. :)
<3
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