They either ignore the situation, tell you their own story and offer condolences, ask you if you want to talk about it, or they ask what they can to do help. Some people are so awkward about it that you can't help but feel sorry for them. A woman from my church today gave me two of something instead of one because I was pregnant...I calmly smiled and said, "No sweetie, not anymore." People don't know how to handle that.
I wish I was writing a blog post about how this is drawing me closer to God, how I'm learning so much about His character, or about patience or something...but I'm not. I'm not learning anything, and I'll be really honest, Church sucked this week for me. Completely sucked. There are so many pregnant woman in my church, and please please please if you are one of those woman don't think that I hate you, or can't be around you, or anything like that. I can. But later, I might have to cry about it. Because, I was supposed to be one of those woman. I was supposed to be counted when people started talking about new babies and mothers. There were other things to, said in ignorance, that just cut me to my core. I think I spent most of service holding onto my husbands hand while crying.
I don't know...when that will change. I don't know how to grieve, and I don't know how much time is enough. I feel like there will never be enough time to grieve for this tiny person who was supposed to grow up and be loved by my husband and I. We wanted our baby. With all that we are, we wanted our baby.
I'm still learning how to...be. Exist. A stranger asked me the other day if I was a mother...how do you explain to them that you are, that you had a baby that passed from this world?
I don't know. I may never know. And I keep writing about it, and I will continue to write about it. Because I have to. I might have to for a long time. I have to talk about my baby, and if you catch me on the right day, I might talk about it with you.
It's ok to look at me and say that you're sorry I lost my baby. It's ok to ask me how I'm doing. I'll tell you if I can or can't talk about our little one.
It's not ok to act like it never happened. I need to know that the life of my baby, however short, was important. I need to know that our little one mattered, and I need to know that people see me for what I am, a mother without her child.
Ignoring that it happened, is probably the worst thing you could do...because it really makes me think that these emotions that I'm feeling are not validated. That they aren't important.
But they are.
Hang in there, Maddie. Your time will come, trust me. For now, know that you are loved and prayed for by soooo many people. I won't pretend to understand how you feel, but I know you have a right to your feelings and you have the right to take as long as you need to grieve. Remember, you can call Staci and talk to her. She went through this same thing about two years ago. She will understand and may have some words of comfort that I don't have. I am here for you any time, any hour of the day or night. I can listen to you cry, or yell, or scream or throw a hissy fit, whatever you need. I love you like my own daughters and I pray that God will heal you. As hard as it is to hear, it will be in HIS time. Be patient and keep the faith (I know it is probably the hardest thing you have ever had to do) because you WILL get through this. I love you. Love, Ms. Denise
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