As we have entered into our Third Trimester, Ellie Girl is quickly loosing room in my uterus. She's getting bigger and bigger, so is my belly. I officially need to put lotion on me to avoid stretch marks. And I only do that because we want lots of babies, I might as well take care of my skin. Blair loves loves loves my stretch marks. And he loves that my body is changing as she grows. She's also head down, which is AWESOME, but you know what this means? Her feet are upish. You what that means? She pushes on me. I've gotten to that point where she HURTS now. Little goober. I talk to her a lot, and push back on her, and try to convince her that she still does have room. She does. She's not THAT big yet.
Time has been on my mind a lot as well. How much time has passed since we found out about our baby. How much time we still have...how much time we will have when she's here...
I get nightmares, things I won't voice to anyone but maybe my husband and a good friend, that rattle me sometimes. They make me wake up in tears, wanting to drink coffee to make her dance, to make sure...because for some reason, this fear plays in my head. No matter how these dreams end, one thing always always happens. I always look at Blair and say "It's ok, the time we had was enough for me." I know it might not interest you, and some of you might think it's silly to even talk about these nightmares. I can't help but talk to God when I wake up from these though.
I pray a lot now. Been spending a lot of time with God. Asking Him to prepare my heart and mind for the work that I've got coming up. Asking Him to take these fears. Asking Him to be ever present, like I know He is. I also thank Him though. Because right now, right this second, I am a mother, and I love her. I can feel her up at the right as I type this, pushing and hurting. No matter how bad it hurts, no matter how often I get sick, I thank Him.
Life is a gift. Your life. My life. The lives of the people that I love. The life of my Papaw who I, for some reason, miss more NOW than I did a few months ago. I still get sad he doesn't get to meet this great-grandchild. When I think about him though, I know his life wasn't wasted. It makes me think of the song "Streets of Gold" by Needtobreathe.
"I don't remember, seeing fear in your eyes,
when you were fading, the day we said our goodbyes.
It's easy to say, there's a reason for this,
Much harder to know what they say is true.
when you were fading, the day we said our goodbyes.
It's easy to say, there's a reason for this,
Much harder to know what they say is true.
Everything we hold could someday slip away."
Life is a gift. Our time is short. I realized the other day that I missed my Daddy. I never did get to call him, I wanted to. (Side note: if I had, and just to tell him I loved him, he would have said "What do you want?" No joke, he seems like such a grumpy man, but don't let him fool you, he's a big teddy bear.) I missed my sister in law, so I left her a ridiculous message. Last week or so I missed my best friend, so I spent the afternoon with her.
It's ok, you know, to think about the fragility of life. I don't mind it. I think of my daughter being knitted together in my womb right now and I just kinda think, man, she's so fragile. She will be, for so so long.
See, instead of dwelling on my fears, I remember to think about why I think those things, or have those fears. I find a way to be thankful for them. I find a way to remember that God has given us such beautiful things and people to be around. I am thankful for the fragility of life, because it means that it's there. That's enough for me.
Anyways, those are things I was thinking about. I don't even care if it doesn't make sense. :)
Also, tomorrow some friends and people from my church are getting together for a Baby Shower. I hope I can get some pictures to share with you all. I'm excited to be able to celebrate Ellie with other. people.
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