36 Weeks, This is Important

At 36 weeks, my midwife came to our house for our home appointment. This just might be the most important blog post of my pregnant career, strap in folks. Things about to get real...

First of all, I wish I had time/energy/finances to make shirts for my birth team. They would be red with blue capes and would say "Birth Team Assemble!" Because one, I think that would be funny, and two, I seriously love the people who will be in the room to help me bring my daughter to this world. I won't be over that. Ever I don't think...

Second of all, 36 weeks. Which means in 4-6, there might be a new little human on this planet. Whoah. Big deal guys, this is a big deal. For the record, I say 4-6 weeks because I believe that gestation actually can go to 42 weeks, and I'm not going to induce labor, therefore, if she comes in July, she comes in July. I'll just camp out in the pool. It's nice out there...I like it.

Third of all, this is the most important blog post BECAUSE I am going to tell you all some things that I think are worth saying. For me, and for any momma approaching the end of her pregnancy.

I know people are excited, I am too. I'm nervous and excited and on edge and emotional and weird and huge and all the things. I am all the things right now, and I need support. Here is how you can support me:

• Pray for us. Pray for a healthy delivery that is in God's hands. Pray that my daughter arrives here alive and hearty, I don't care about ten fingers and toes, those are over rated, I just want her here and breathing. 
• Don't ask too much of me. I'm so tired. I'm so tired most all the time. I get home from work and most of the time I make it upstairs, sometimes, I don't though. I just pass out on the couch for a while. 
• Be patient. My emotions are volcanic, I go back and forth a lot. A lot a lot. Sometimes I'm angry about stupid things and the next day I'm not and then I cry because I was angry and then I feel bad for crying and well...you get the picture. 
• Please, for the love of all that is Holy DON'T SAY ANYTHING TO ME ABOUT THESE THINGS:

1. Have you had that baby yet? No. I have not. Trust me please when I tell you that when she comes you all will know. Like I said, I will want to tell people. 
2. She has an eviction notice! Because you can control my uterus? Because it's a room and you're the landlord? I don't understand, shut your face. 
3. You've been pregnant for a long time! Dude, I already know. I already know that I've been pregnant, I know how many DAYS I've been pregnant, I know how many weeks and months and I don't need you to remind me. 
4. Weren't you due like a week ago? I don't remember my due date like a weird-o. I believe she will come when it's time for her to come. If I have to wait, so do you. 
5. Are you sure you're not having twins!? I'm not. I'm really not. Babies just take up a whole lotta room and mine is no different. I already feel huge and cumbersome, please don't remind me. It's hard to move and walk. Turning from side to side in the middle of the night is hysterical. 
6. Still pregnant? I think if anyone asks me this one, I'm gonna tell them I swallowed a watermelon. Whole. As a dare. 
7. We just want to see the baby!! I. DO. TOO. Promise. I want to see her and hold her and love her on the outside and snuggle and be excited and cuddle with her and Blair. 

I'm a very sassy human. I just am, I come by it honestly, my mother is equally as sassy. She already told me she would spank my older brother Nate who has already asked me if I've "had that baby yet" (ha Nate! You're in trouble now!) I just want to finish my pregnancy in peace. I want to be able to focus on the task that is ahead of me. I don't want to get mad about stupid things that people say, without knowing. Hence this post, I'll just go ahead and ask you not to say these things. Talk about them among yourselves. Go for it. Just please, don't say them to me. That's all I ask. Don't post them on my Facebook wall. I will delete them. I will send you frownie faces.  I will rant about you to my husband. Can't we all just avoid that? :) 

Are there any other moms who got annoyed with people saying things like this? I feel like I see and hear it a lot. Maybe I'm making it up and no one will say these things to be...but just in case...here you go. 

We're really excited. Just this morning Blair said to me "My poor baby, she's gonna get suck a shock when I catch her, my hands are always cold!" It was adorable. 

As for now, I'm gonna take a nap. Because as I said, I get super sleepy now a days. And if I can nap, I will. :)

I might be in love with this picture....

Love is Blooming

Maybe I'm just getting sassy in my old age. Or maybe it's all pregnancy hormones, whatever it is, I've decided some things. Some things that are worth sharing.

For the first time in my life, I'm on the other side of this being pregnant thing. Normally, I'm the one watching and waiting for friends or sisters in law or my mom or whoever. I get excited about babies. About ALL of it, the pregnancy, the labor, the newborn. I wish every women felt comfortable with sharing their birth stories, because I always have this burning curiosity to ask. I like knowing it all, how long it took for them to go into labor, how many weeks they are, all of it.

As the pregnant one now though, on the other end, I must humbly apologize for all the times I've annoyed a pregnant lady. Because you can be sure I've gotten annoyed a time or two myself. Here and there. About certain things. Little things.

The matter of the uterus a common topic, though we don't call it that. But if we're all honest and grown up and adult about this, that's where babies are formed and created. The uterus.  I don't like saying things about my daughter being in my tummy...makes me feel like I've eaten her and that's weird. She is where God intended her to be. The muscular organ that has grown SO very large.

Here's the deal though, my reproductive system, is the business of three people. Me, my husband, and my God. This includes but is not limited to how many children we have, how far apart they are, and when they come out of me.

I've decided that when I go into labor, I don't want people to know. I have certain expectations in my head. One of them is that I will be in labor for a while, like my Momma was. (She had LONG labors, that crazy woman) So informing EVERYONE once the contractions hit/the water breaks/however my body decides to do this, is for me, my team, and my husband.

I want to post a picture of a beautiful baby and invite friends to tell her Happy Birthday. Because that's what a birthday is people, celebrating the day that YOUR mother pushed/went under/whatever to get YOU out. (Think about THAT the next time you think your birthday is all about YOU)

My plan is for my team to know. And for my closest family to know. My older brothers and their wives, a few grandparents, but honestly, as much as I love all of you, you can wait. Just like I've had to for these past few months. Be patient. This birth is not about  you, and I'm not entitled to have to tell ANYONE when I go into labor. Plus, who knows when it will ACTUALLY happen, AND there is no way to tell how fast or slow a labor will go.

Don't worry, when she's born, I'm gonna wanna tell everyone. I'm gonna wanna show everyone. I have someone taking birth pictures for us, I promise you that you won't miss much (and don't think to much about birth pictures, there will be nothing too graphic). Every mother is proud of their baby. Every mother wants to show their baby off, I'm gonna want to, really really.

Now that that is said, here, look at some pictures my best friend/godmother of my child/Auntie Ameh took of me. I look like I'm gonna have a baby and what not...weird!

 

I know that most of you have seen these, because of the good old Facebook, but I still wanted to write about it. It meant a lot to me that she took the time to take these pictures for me (and hopefully, will take some of me and Blair together..?) especially since we went to the place that she had gotten engaged at the DAY BEFORE!!!

I love that I have someone willing to help me document this time. Especially since I never thought I would want to. Ameh is amazing, and she's doing such a wonderful service for us...and I won't be able to say enough how honored I am that she is part of her Lennie's life. She doesn't love in little ways, she loves with her whole heart, and that's...that's beautiful and something worth teaching my daughter.

This is a poem that she wrote, and it's beautiful. I want to frame this and put it above my daughters bed/her little corner in our room.

Love is blooming, right here, right now, right inside of me, and that is a precious gift that I am holding close.

What's In A Name...

I think it's funny how when you are younger, you pick alllll sorts of names for your future children. You make lists and plans and forget all about the fact that you will be having a baby WITH someone and they might have some ideas of their own...

I've been thinking a lot about Eleanor's name. About why we chose and the people who influenced it. Honestly, I was convinced we were having a boy, so NOT seeing those little boy parts made my jaw drop, literally. We had joked the whole way there that the tech would tell us we were having a girl and not a boy, lo and behold...how jokes became truth.

On the drive home, giddy with news and excitement, we started talking names.

I'm not sure what it is, but this became a very big deal for me. Naming someone...well, it's their name. It's your name. You have it for the rest of your life. It's a big deal. I wanted her name to mean something, to stand for something. I wanted to name her after people and things that were heavy, big, important, and just for her.

Blair is really the one who named our girl. More than me. We hadn't ever talked about using two middle names, but in the end, that's how it worked out. I'm ok with it (shoot, her four cousins ALL have two middle names...I would list them, but that....that would take a lot of time...) (Love you Nate and Lori!). As we sat and talked and threw names out, Blair says,

"What about Eleanor Amanda Ray?"

Believe me or don't, but in that moment, I knew what her name was. I knew that was who she was. I knew that these were the people that I wanted to influence her life. 

Eleanor, for Eleanor Roosevelt, a great a lady. She said once "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Brilliant. Blair also just loves the name, and I was sold because I could shorten it to Ellie. I'm convinced that I want ALL my baby girls to have nick names that end in "ie" just like their Momma. It's a thing, just accept it. :) ALSO, Eleanor is the real name of the character Ella, in the book Ella Enchanted. Note, this is in reference to the BOOK and NOT the MOVIE which was a train wreck which ruined a literary masterpiece. 

We're nerdy. I want all of our babies to have some sort of book attached to their names as well. I do. And I love it. 

Now we come to the Amanda. After the two Amanda's in my life...

Every now and again, we are blessed with people who understand us and who truly want the best for us. My two best friends have been through a lot, and helped me through a lot as well. We have fought and been angry at one another, we have misunderstood one another, and we have gone through long periods where one of us couldn't speak to the other. I have seen them both at their worst and at their best and I love them. Whole heartedly. They are...some of the best people I know. I never thought...I didn't think I would ever name a baby after either of them, but when Blair suggested it, it made perfect and wonderful sense. 

I want Ellie to know what it means to be strong. I want her to know what it means to respect others who are different than you, who grew up differently. I want her to know what it's like to make friends with people who may not believe what you do, but who love love love you and support you. Both of my Amanda's are this type of person in my life. I can't...I can't begin to tell you how they've impacted my life. They've left foot prints on the map in my heart and they are tattooed there, forever, as people who I have to be close to. Even if we end up on the other side of the country, we will still be close, because I hold them close. 

My husband is a brilliant man, for knowing just how much these two people mean to me, and allowing me to name our daughter after two people who I hope and pray will always be part of my little girl's life. 

Ray. 

Ray is...Ray is a weighty name. I might cry while I tell you about this name, because I'm hormonal and Beauty and the Beast and Harry Potter made me cry last night...

This past December, my family watched as my mother's father went from home to another. It was hard. We love him and to see him such a state...it was hard. I knew I was pregnant at the time, and this was at the beginning, with all the sickness. The last time I saw my Papaw, he could barely speak, and barely move. I said good bye and that I loved him, and he pointed to me and said "I love you." And then he gave me and my daughter a gift that I will treasure forever, he pointed to my barely showing belly and said "I love you too." I might have told this story here before, but I don't care. Like Mary, I hold it close to my heart and store it there as a treasure. 

When he finally got to leave this world, Blair and I decided that in some way, we would honor him with our new little life, the first great grandchild who doesn't get to meet Papaw. His name was Raymond, and for our little girl, we shortened it to Ray. 

One of the coolest things about the name Ray though, is that it's not JUST for my Papaw. My Mother, probably one of the best people I'll ever know,  also has his name for her middle name, Pamela Ray. Add to that my big brother Nate, my twin just born a few years ahead of me (We are so so so alike...) who was named after both his grandparents, Guy Raymond. 

I love my family, and the friends who have slowly become part of that family. I have been blessed to be loved by so many people, and my daughter will also be blessed to be loved by so many 

9.5

I don't think that you should force creativity. I think sometimes, you'll feel more creative than other times. It's a stage, and it all comes and goes in stages.

Lately, I've wanted to draw and paint and sketch and play and doodle and and and all the things. There was only one problem, sometime in our move from tiny apartment to tinier apartment in his parent's house, I lost/misplaced a journal.

This had never happened before. I wasn't sure how to handle it. I panicked, maybe cried, maybe made my husband drive me around to several places to see if I had left it somewhere else. I love my art journals. I've been keeping them since I was probably 12 or 13...I have stacks of them. I re-read them, see how my life has changed and been documented. So to lose one, to not know where it is...it's like...it's like loosing someone you love. Not to mention, when we lost our baby last July, I journal'd a lot to get through that. It's...it's a heavy journal. It's one I need to remind myself that I got through it. I follows this ocean tide of happiness and sadness and eventually, hope that I would carry as far as I am right now with Ellie.

And I don't know where it is. I still don't. 

But...but, I've come to terms that it just needs to be hidden right now, for whatever reason. This did not change the burning fury in me to creative and doodle.

This week I was at a friends house, well, this past week. As I'm sitting and talking to my friend, I see a fairly large black journal. Without asking whose it is, I take it and begin to draw what's been in my head for weeks (a Dandelion...), and from there, it was allllll good. It turns out the journal belonged to my friends husband, who knew I had lost the other journal so he says "Take this one."

Flabbergasted, I informed him that if he gave it to me, I would NOT be giving it back. It just...I wouldn't. It would become mine, but he knew that.

So here I am now with journal 9.5.

And a big huge heart full of thank you to D.J. Trevor for knowing me better than I know myself. I found that I can't go without an art journal. I need it. It's my way to keep in touch with the art that I love so well and to express the things that I can't otherwise.

I'm incredibly thankful that I have friends who know me better than I know myself. I'd be a hot mess without them....

Choices, My Team, and A Plea For Help

Let's talk about choices. Because, we all have to make them.

Some woman chose to have their children in hospital, some have them in cars (because they don't make it there), some woman in third world countries have them in huts. Some woman, have their babies at home.

As most of you know, this what Blair and I chose for our baby. We are informed and educated, we get that it freaks some woman out, we get that some people can't or won't or that they fell uncomfortable doing so. Let me be clear, regardless of where you are going to have your baby you should feel comfortable. If you don't, this will highly impact how your labor goes and I believe that with all my heart.

We are embarking in a grand journey right now. Big things are happening, we're excited. I'm growing a human. It's kinda awesome. As we draw near to going into labor, there are some things on our "To Do" list that we haven't done yet. We haven't made a Birth Plan (which, though I know it can change, I think is important to write down, if you haven't, consider it and check out this site http://www.birthingnaturally.net/ because it has a lot of incredibly useful information on Birth Plans) and as I sit today and consider what I want on there, I start to think of who I want there. My team.

I need a team. I need people who know me and help me and are there for me. Here is my team:

The Husband 
It's pretty standard. He's been with me every step of the way, seeing me at some of my worst times. He's supported me, prayed for me, loved me (Even when I was being completely insane), and helped me remember how to breathe. He's wonderful. He does things sometimes that I didn't know I needed him to do. I can't imagine a birth without him. I couldn't imagine him not being there to catch our little girl. I think it's so neat that the very first person, outside of me, who will touch her, is her father. What a story to tell her...

My Mother
 Not only has my mother given birth to 7 amazing children (if I do say so myself), she's been training to be a Doula. And I've seen her in action.

My mother is amazing. She's beautiful and compassionate and she loves to serve. I need her in the room with me. I need her to calm me down and rub away the stress. I need her to remind me that I can do this. I need to see that look on her face, the one where I know, that if she could go through it all for me, she would. She's going to take care of me, and my Husband while he supports me. She's not going to leave my side, I know she's not. And in the end, I feel like the privileged one to be able to have this woman with me.

The Photographer 
Here's where I get a lot of "you're crazy" from people. My very best friend and Godmother to my child will be here to photograph Eleanor's Birth. I want pictures, and yes, I want pictures of it all. I want pictures of my labor position and what my face looks like when my uterus contracts. I want pictures of my mom and my husband holding my hand, I want pictures of the time, the date, the tools, everything. I want pictures of my team and I want pictures of Blair's face the minute he meets his daughter. I want pictures of us holding her and of all the people in the room crying, I want all of it. Documented. Maybe not so much for you, but for me. In my experience at the five labors I've been to, Mothers forget a lot of little things that happen. Photographers help capture those little moments. More than that, I want her her. I want her to see what birth is like, I want her to experience with me that I am not afraid, and I want her to be able to tell Ellie one day, "Hey, I was there..." Think of it as making memories.

My Mother in Law
She doesn't even know that she's on my Team, but she so is. She's the background person. I can see her cooking and making sure people have eaten. I can see her making sure we have whatever we need, towels, wash cloths, warm blankets, anything and everything. She might not be in the room when I push, but she will be in spirit and I need her. I do.

And finally,
My Midwife and Her Team
This is where we get to some of what I really want to talk about. Some things I might ask for some help with. I need her professional hands to be here with us after the birth. I've also seen her in action and I love her. More than that, I love her in general. I've loved since before we even got pregnant. She's been amazing and phenomenal and graceful and taught us so much. When we lost our first baby, she checked on me for months. And when we found out about Eleanor, she knew my fears. She calmed my fears. She helped me get through those fears. When I got sick, she encouraged me, and didn't judge me when I told her that at the time, I just couldn't eat well...my keytones looked atrocious for months and she never once made me feel like a bad mother. It was...precious. Her team is wonderful, and I need her there to help calm those fears. I need to hear her tell me that she knows that it works but that it's for my daughter.

Which is why, what I'm about to ask my friends and family is not asked lightly. Since being sick, we've had to cut back on a lot of things. I couldn't work for a while. We lost a lot of money...and then there were ER trips and my need for Zofran to make it through the day (which has slowed down a lot! Some days, I don't even need it!). My midwife is a professional and as a professional, she should be paid. While we are slowly but surely working on that, it's taken a lot out of us.

I know...I know there are some people who have told us that they would still like to get Ellie a gift. Well...here is the gift I'm asking for: please help us with our midwifery bill.  Think of it as a blessing to a family that would like to pay the woman who helps bring a healthy baby into the world. All you have to do is follow this link and specify that however much money you would like to donate goes to Blair and Maddie Jaques. It would be an incredible blessing to us. And it doesn't have to be much. And if you are thinking "we've already given them a gift" then don't worry about this. We would ask that you prayerfully consider helping us, and if you can't, then really, it's ok. Any and all help would be wonderful and we'd appreciate it.

We are trusting, no matter what, that this will be taken care of, either by ourselves alone, or with the help of others. At this point, I can't humble myself much lower...shoot, in January I had to ask people to bring me food and my house...God bless all the people who saw my house.

God is good. He is faithful. And we're trying to only ever do what He would ask of us. For us, this means that we birth at home, here in our little apartment at his parents with the best team possible. If you can or are willing to help make that team possible, you have no idea the amount of gift that you are giving to us.

Plus Ellie SSSSSSSOOOOOOO doesn't need ANYTHING else. Child is already spoiled, I'll be real. :)

Baby Growing, Mother's Day, Middle of May!!!

Well friends I feel like it's been a long time since I last wrote anything to you. We've been awfully busy. My new job, Blair's new job, growing a baby, no biggie. :) Not to mention that when I DO have days off I feel this incredible need to be SUPER productive. So I end up scheduling myself for about a billion things. I promise you I'm trying to slow down...it's just not so easy.

As always, I've been thinking about five million different things that I want to share with my few friends who follow this blog (are you following me? I would love for you, I really love sharing my thoughts). I am trying to think of the best way to organize these thoughts and make them coherent. It's not easy, especially with the Ellie STEALING MY BRAIN. Seriously, Baby Brain, it's real. In fact, let's start there!

I have become VERY dyslexic as my pregnancy progresses. I mix up letters and numbers and words like it's my job in life. When I'm researching something for the Library or looking up a book for a patron, I end up typing it all backwards. I have to re-try quite a bit. So in advance, I apologize for all grammatical and spelling errors. I should let the Fairy Godmother read these before I post them...it would probably cut back on me sounding illiterate.

This past Saturday I took pictures for some of my very favorite people (side note, why, at the END of my pregnancy have I decided that spending all this time taking pictures for people is a good idea? Oh yeah, I love it...got it...). We walked FOUR miles. And I did the WHOLE thing. I won't lie, for me, this was a big deal. It helped me sleep and walking is such an amazing thing to help with labor. What's more, those pictures turned out amazing and I love them. Plus that family is one of the best. No joke. I even let the mom use my camera to document me. My husband has been on a lot of my photo shoots lately, and I love it. I love when he comes with. We both got thousands of bug bites, but it was so so so worth it.

I feel very big now. We're almost 34 weeks and man...I marvel at how big she is, and that she will just get bigger. How did God DO this? This right here, what I'm doing, makes me feel like more of an artist than anything I've ever created before. I'm helping to MAKE a HUMAN. How...how can this not blow your mind? Even on the worst of days when I just want to skip to the part where I push her out...I can't help but think about her in there growing and moving. She's so funny, so full of personality. We went to see Shrek the musical (which my younger sister Evie was in and who did an AMAZING job) and Eleanor LOVED it. Very rarely does she move that much! I think we have a future theatre/musical geek on our hands.

I celebrated Mother's Day, and herein lies a small rant. While at Church, I heard someone make a comment when I raised my hand to signify that I am mother. While it was not the right time or place to call said person out, I so badly wanted to. Being pregnant, counts. You. Are. A. Mother. What's more, even if I hadn't been as pregnant as I am, I would have raised my hand. Cara counts. To tell the mother of a lost baby, whether miscarriage or still born, is to deny that she had life inside her. To deny that life...is unacceptable. And mean. And cruel. Being pregnant with Ellie certainly helped this year, however, I still felt the sting of our loss. Because my plan for this year, was to actually have a physical baby to hold, and not just a memory.

For the record, if you know a woman who suffered a loss in any way, and it's mother's day, make damn (yes, I used that word, get over it) sure to tell her Happy Mother's Day. And if in your opinion said person is NOT a mother, keep it to yourself. You have no idea how your comment will affect her. I'll get off my high  horse now, but that one comment I heard behind me really...well, it got to me.

We are doing really well. Pregnancy wise, moving, in general is getting harder and harder. Even flipping from side to side at night takes a lot of me. I think it's hysterical, Blair sometimes...not so much. I'm pretty sure I woke him up last night because I moved his pillow because it was "trying to eat my face"? He grumbles, but he will always scoot over or help me adjust the thousands of pillows I sleep with. He's a trooper, I love him.

Stretch marks have finally decided to REALLY show up. It seems as though in the past two days I've gotten these beautiful lines marking up my belly. I love them. I love the evidence that I am carrying life.

Let's talk about yoga for a second, because I love yoga. I wish I was going more frequently. I feel very good about myself and my baby after we go. Everything hurts less. :) I also like that most of the poses are things I can bring home and do on my own. My instructor is wonderful and adorable and makes me feel incredibly at peace. (In fact, after this, I'm gonna go do some stretches...things be tight up in here yo!)

All in all, we're just getting more excited. I keep praying about labor, and trusting in my midwife and listening to Blair when I feel crazy (which has been rather frequent I must admit...) I'm drinking lots of red raspberry leaf tea and another tea called NORA tea (Nettles, Oats, Raspberry leaf, and Alfalfa) and I feel strong. Most of the time. Sometimes, when I'm still for too long and then start going again, I get weird and move really slowly. I've got the pregnant waddle down, even though I try really hard to walk normally.

It's already the middle of May and June is almost here! I keep in mind that Little Miss might decide to come in July (which I can TOTALLY see her doing because she's half Blair and he's stubborn like you would not believe) just to mentally prepare myself that I might not be "done" when the calender says I should be. Babies come when they're ready. I'm ok with that.

I will really try to post more! I have lots of things that happen and I think, "That would make a great blog post" and then I get home....and Eleanor says "SSSSSSSSSLLLLLLLEEEEEEPPPPPPPPPPP" and I must admit, I'm willing to oblige the little goober. :)