Remember

I sat down the intention of writing a super awesome blog post. I have all these ideas about what to write and why I want to write. In the end though...I'm not really sure what I want to say.

I feel like a lot of it as already been said. I offer no new insights. No new convictions to spur you on to becoming a better human. What does Ecclesiastes say? There is nothing new under the sun? I get that now.

There are beautiful struggles that we've been through. Terrible sleepless nights, there have been tears, and emergency room trips. There has been laughter and joy and these beautiful moments where we look at one another and at our daughter and it's all too much. In the past month there have been fights and arguments and disappointments. There has simply been Life.

Each day, each minute, each second, we are surviving. We are learning new things, about ourselves, and about our baby. We have accepted adventures and trials with what grace we could muster.

Some people describe their lives as beautiful, and I wonder, how? How can a pile of dishes and laundry that NEVER EVER ends be beautiful? I don't think my life is beautiful all the time. I think it's a mess. I think I am a mess. After all, I am mother now. I'm not sure that my shirts are ever truly clean, and if they are, don't worry they won't be for long.

Some people describe these wonderful marriages, and I wonder how? We fight. I get annoyed with him and sometimes, I just want him to go away. Or to let me go away. Sometimes I go to bed and wait for him to come to bed and when he does he wakes me up and then I want to punch him in the face. And he's a man, he is smelly. All the time. Then he makes me dinner, and does the laundry, or lets me take a nap and I remember how much I love him.

If I could throw my life into one word, that's what it would be. Remember. I'm in a state of remembrance. I remember how it felt to first be married (we are coming up on two years now...and I love that), I remember how he held me when he saw me after I lost our first baby, I remember kissing him after we had our little girl, smiling and saying "We did it babe, she's so beautiful." I remember what it was like to sleep through the night and what it was like to spend an ENTIRE day BY MYSELF. I remember how selfish I used to be. I remember.

I remember that in all things there is purpose and that for everything there is a season. I remember that God promises not to leave me or forsake me, that He promises to walk with me. I remember His promises. I remember how He wept for His friend, and how He weeps when I do, even if I am alone in the shower and all I want to go to bed.

My life is not always beautiful, but I remember when it is. I mark it down. Talk about it. So that my friends can look at me and say "Yes, that happened and it was beautiful."