So Much Love

38 Weeks.

Belly? Henna'd. Huge. Uncomfortable.

Sleeping? What is that? Does that really happen? Can I roll from the left to the right side? No. If I don't do it fast it doesn't happen and I end up stuck on my back. I am a turtle.

Feeling? Hormonal. There were tears this week about wipes. There was anger at my husband about...well, wipes. And other assorted stupid stupid things.

Blessed?

Yes yes yes.

I feel the prayers. I feel the support. I feel the encouragement. Today I was surrounded by women and friends from my church who just...it was amazing. It made it all the more sweet that two of the people who made it happen have been going through some difficult things themselves. They still took the time to make this Card shower come together. Oh the sweetness.

I said it with Ellie, and I'll say it with baby Dean, I feel like Mary, treasuring all these things in my heart. The women who hug me gently and let me know they are praying. The ones who smile at me in church and tell me that me posting about my babies, ALL my babies, made them cry. The texts, the emails, the cards, the understanding. The offers to watch Ellie. The people who are coming home.

I am overwhelmed.

I am humbled.

We might not have to buy gas for the entire month of February. Wow.

We have money for food, groceries and elsewhere. Wow.

I have a book of support, prayers and verses (and some other pretty hysterical notes to make me laugh, hashtag whodidthat?). I have pictures. Ellie ended up with a bear (not intended for her) that she has been toting around and loving on. We have the most amazing artwork of the Tin Man for baby Dean's corner of the room. All the sudden, I really want to set up "his" space so that I can look at all the beautiful things meant for him.

Oh we are just...ready now. I'm ready for him to be here. I'm ready to hold him, I'm ready to fight, I'm ready to find out how God is going to use this little dude and his story for so many amazing things. I'm also very very ready to NOT be pregnant any more (seriously, the random projectile vomiting has got to go, I'm over it!).

From the very depth of my soul, to the people far and wide who are praying for us, I cannot begin to tell you how much you mean to me. I was telling a friend that we just don't know how well baby boy will do and she said "But Maddie, a lot of those other babies, while I'm sure they're loved, they may not have the power of prayer behind them like this baby does." It's true. So much power. So many good thoughts. So much love.

So much love.

What a wonderful way to end a hard week.

What a wonderful feeling to wrap myself in and dream of.

No News Is Good News

Thanks for all the love, support, calls, and texts today.

Basically, no news is good news. Our boy's heart looks pretty much the same as it did last month, which is actually good! It means there are no new complications and we can keep him baking in there for a while yet!

We are scheduled to be induced in DC February Ninth and are looking forward to seeing our son (I'm really hoping he has his Daddy's dimples!). Until then, I still go see lots of doctors to keep an eye on him and me.

There have been a multitude of people who have helped watch our Ellie girl while we were at appointments, and I can't even begin to tell you how much that means to us both. The prayers, listening ears, and hope that are thrown our way sure make this easier to deal with.

The closer we come to having him in the outside world, the more nervous I become I must confess. There are still a lot of unknowns. There are still a lot of risks. He's still my baby boy. I beg for patience and understanding, especially if I don't return phone calls or texts right away.

We are pretty tired tonight (as are my parents I imagine, who made the trip out to DC with Blair and I...which means more than either of them will ever know), so I this is probably all I'll say before drinking some warm tea and passing WAY out.

There are many blessings in this storm we are weathering (like he fact that we will be able to see Blair's Dad before baby comes, with the possibility that he might get to meet his grandson!) and we are sure to count them.

Regular pregnancy is certainly starting to takes it toll on this Momma too. I am BEAT by the end of the day. Our boy is getting bigger and bigger (he gained an estimated pound from last week to this week..I need more protein and less chocolate!) and rolling from side to side gets harder and harder.

We have around 20 days until we get to meet this guy, and THAT is when our REAL battle begins.

What I Pray For

Many people will not like what I'm about to say.

Please bare with me and wait until the end.

Please keep in mind this is my personal blog, and I am writing to share/process this journey.

Please be kind.

I am not praying for God to miraculously heal my son. I am not praying that when he is born he will not need surgeries and that his heart will be healed. 

You may pray for these things if you'd like, but please, refrain from telling me you are doing so.

I promise you, I have reasons.

I believe that God is big. Bigger than you or I could ever imagine. I believe that if He wanted to, He COULD heal my son, in a heart beat (no pun intended there). I believe that God raised people from the dead, healed them by His touch, cured the diseased, and made the blind see. I believe He is the same God today that He was then, and if He wanted to, He could do whatever He wanted.

For some reason (one I may never know) He has chosen my son, our son, to have a heart condition. One that really won't ever be truly cured unless there are major advances in medical science (totally possible! Please pray for that!) or by a completely new heart.

Every month, a lot of times two or three times a month, I go to a Doctor's office, lay on a table, get some goo put on me and they check on his heart. I lay there uncomfortably and see exactly what the doctors are talking about. Half of my sons heart doesn't work. I see this. Every. Single. Month.

When I went in December, maybe...to be truthful, I was hoping that the ultrasound they showed would be wrong. I was hoping I could get in the car and call about five million people and say "See, look, God HAS healed him!"

But this is not what God did. This is not my sons story.

There are lots of people praying for miracles. Lots of people who have loved ones going through terrible battles who would love to see God's hand in their lives...in the way they WANT to see God's hand.

I am...am asking a lot of God right now. I am asking for strength, and patience. I am asking for Joy in the middle of what could possible be something terrifying. I am asking for Guidance, to do the right things as we go to have our son and as he prepares for his surgery. I am asking that no matter what I keep my eyes and heart focused on this Big God who has chosen us and my son to do Big things.

But I do not need to ask God to miraculously heal him. Because maybe to God that means my son goes to Heaven before I do. Maybe to God, THIS is our miracle, that we get to draw deeper and deeper to Him in this, our time of utter dependence on Him.

I am praying for God's Will to be evident in our lives and in our sons life, and that We, as a Husband and Wife, as a Mother and Father, glorify Him, no matter what the outcome, no matter how hard, no matter what.

If my son is born and they find out that his heart is fine, Praise God.

If my son is born and whisked away because half his heart doesn't work, Praise God.

If my son doesn't survive birth, Praise God.

If my son doesn't survive the first, second, third surgery, Praise God.

If my son survives and thrives for 20 years and developed complications later, Praise God.

It is easy to say these things now, hard as they may be, but it will so much harder to live them out. Please...please pray that We glorify God in this situation. Please...please pray for the Doctors and Nurses that will be taking care of our son. Please...please pray for the other families who just spent Christmas and New Years in the Hospital, praying that their child's numbers get good enough to come home. Please pray that Blair and I have the opportunity to pour Hope into other families facing the same challenges. Please pray that God's Will be evident and that we accept it with Grace and Beauty. Please pray that we rely on the Lord and the amazing Support that we have had during this time. Please pray that my emotions stay in check when they induce me, that the Lord give me a Spirit of Strength and Hope, that I do not fear. Please Pray for Blair as he misses work, and tries to take care of me, Ellie, and our Son. Please pray that Ellie have such a grand time with others that she doesn't realize how long Mommy has been gone. Please pray that the she is taken care of so well that I don't even have a second to worry about her. Please pray for our own hearts, as we see our child hooked up to tubes, with a scar down his chest. Please pray that we budget well, that our finances stay secure while we are in the hospital.

Please Praise God with us, that we have had our son as long as we have had him. Praise God that we have seen an out pouring of love and support.

Life, in and of itself, however God chooses to bring it, is a Miracle.

We don't need one my friends, we already have one.

Thank you.