Chapter Infinity

Being a mom, no matter what "type" of Mom you are, means you are always On. There is no off switch. There is no Me Time, there is no down time.

When we came home this last time I was so ready to be home. I was ready and excited and had it in my head that we could now do all the things. We could go everywhere and I could finally hang out with people and life would be just grand.

And I was slapped in the face with the Reality of it.

Dean is not the greatest at going out. He likes being home (who can blame him) and he likes things a certain way. The only way I can get him to nurse is if it's quiet and no one makes any loud noises and the moon is aligned with the Earth (maybe that last part is an exaggeration). We have a strict med schedule and an injection twice a day. We have two more appointments this month. And there are still red flag things that could possibly land us back in the hospital.

I guess in my head we would come home and everything would be great and I could hang out with friends and go to all these wonderful things people had invited me to and it would be fantastic, right? I would strap him onto me and we would go for walks with Ellie in the park and go throw rocks in the creek and get out of the house. I found out that taking him out in the heat is not so great for him and that if its windy the wind makes him stop breathing (talk about a moment of panic..). So we mostly stay indoors where it's cool and quiet and not windy. And Ellie hates it.

We did pretty good most of the week and then I don't know...I don't know. I just wanted to...I don't know...quit today. I wake up every morning by 5:50 every morning and most of the time Dean does not go back to sleep after his injection. And it sucks. I'm not a morning person. I wish I could explain to Dean that I would be a much better mommy if he let me sleep just like an hour more. I pray for patience pretty much every morning. And by the time he does take another good nap, Ellie is already awake and making noise and being an awesomely behaved two year old. And by awesomely I mean she's two. All hell breaks lose if I give her the wrong sippy cup/drink.

The stress of having him home finally caught up to me for real though yesterday. I saw some discoloration in his gtube and freaked. the. crap. out. I called a friend who came right away and got Ellie because I was convinced he was bleeding internally from his blood thinner. I was scared out of my mind that I would call and we would end up back in the hospital for another three weeks and my heart just sank, because mentally, I am not ready for that. I called the powers that be in DC and turns out, everything was ok, crisis averted, move on with life. Huzzah. Only to wake up this morning and go to give him a medication and realize I've been giving him double that medicine for a week. Heaps of Mom Guilt.

I am so worn. I am so tired. I am dealing with about five million different emotions and trying to navigate the fact that I have this tiny human with special medical needs. And a two year old. And I want to make sure that, like, I eat and shower. And I want to make sure we have a house that is almost maybe kinda livable since I'm home all the time now.

Expectations. I was texting my best friend and I said something to her that I didn't know I needed to say to myself. I said "we put all these expectations on ourselves to do better, to be more when Christ specifically told us that DON'T have to do those things." Where does this incredibly high and unattainable expectation that I should be able to do everything  very day come from? Why is it not enough that Dean is home and healthy? Why is it not enough that I'm with Ellie now? Why do I feel the need to clean my house before any person steps into it, or apologize any time some unwritten standard is not met?

Motherhood man, it's not for the weak. Which is why God made women that way He did. I think He knew we'd have these crazy emotions about how we were always supposed to be doing better and He says "Hey, look, Chill." That part in the Bible about not worrying? I'm pretty sure He wrote that about me. He was like "Let's put this part here for Madalynn Carrigan/One day Jaques". Because He knows that some nights I have trouble sleeping because I'm afraid my kids will stop breathing.

Motherhood man, you are always on. And you have to make a lot of choices.

Today my choices entailed letting the dishes pile up and the toddler make messes so that I could semi-nap on the couch. Today the choices entailed not getting dressed until four in the afternoon and painting while my kids slept instead of folding laundry. Today my choices entailed sitting down to write before pretending to clean my kitchen. I mean hey, we have to stay up until at least 9:45 each night for meds and sometimes that's hard, because hey, Blair and I are exhausted. Is there a word for more than exhausted? I'm not sure. But if there was, it'd be used to describe us.

Motherhood man. It's Chapter Infinity. Because it just doesn't end.

Not that I would ever want it to. I love my kids. I love being a Mom. Some days, I rock it and I'm like "Yeah, we all showered, we all ate, the dishes got done, and the house didn't blow up AND I worked out (that happened one day this week for real)." And some days I'm on the opposite side of things where we watch crap tons of TV and Ellie and I eat every meal on the couch. And both days are blessings. Both days are ok. Some days though...it takes me a little longer to see the blessing.