Pockets

I have started and deleted at least three blog posts.
I have written countless things in my head and prayed for the time to get them OUT of my head.
I have explored topics and themes and thought about some of the "little" moments in life that have been happening, and some BIG moments in life that have been happening.

I have thought a great deal about Love and what it means and how we do it. Thought a great deal about how love is a choice and a hard one at that. How we chose to love our spouses, chose to love our kids, chose to love our family, our friends. Thought a lot about specific ways that people have chosen to love me, to love my small family.

I have thought a lot about love and a lot about loss. Because I have known loss.

We have become bosom friends. Nestled together. Loss of friends, loss of babies, loss of dreams and hopes. Loss has shifted the way I think, the way I handle things, the way I talk to God.

I woke up today wondering about loss and about pain. About why we chose to put a price on loss. "You have lost more than I have, therefore, your pain must be greater." No. We both have lost and that loss has created pockets of sorrow in our souls. Sometimes we can live and forget those pockets, sometimes our hands are stuck in our pockets, jingling those losses around like the key chains on my car keys. Sometimes those pockets are full and heavy and present. Sometimes they are light, the lint that is there...we barely feel it.

I've been having some of my own heart issues lately. Not physical ones, but spiritual and emotional ones. Ones that feel very very very big. Ones that make me a bad mother and bad wife and a bad Maddie. I drifted away from things I know I should be doing, forgetting the BEST things in pursuit of the GOOD things.

It is GOOD to have an empty sink, it is BETTER to have spent time with God.
It is GOOD to fold clothes, it is BETTER to lay on the floor and let Ellie climb all over me.
It is GOOD to work out and try to be healthier, it is BETTER to sit with Blair and listen to his day.
It is GOOD to tell people that I will be praying for them, it is BETTER to ACTUALLY pray for them.

I am working on bringing my heart issues to God and forgetting them there, Emptying my pockets of the sorrow and loss I have been carrying around for the past month. Letting go of the fear and the worries and expectations and pain that has rooted deep into my soul. It is a long hard journey. And to be very honest, I already want to quit, because some days, all my son does is cry and I want to scream. And while it is easy to say "I am thankful he is crying" it is another thing to LIVE that.

One persons pain and struggle does not diminish another.

It is what we chose to do with the pain we have that makes us all so different.
Do you give up? Do you let it ruin your life? Do you live in that?
Or do you get back up? Try again and again? Die to self minute by minute, because let's be honest, day by day is too hard...

I'm working on emptying my pockets of the sorrow and pain that I carry.
You should too.

You'll be lighter.