Fierce.

I can recall a specific time when my mom showed me just how fierce she can be. 

We were at dinner, and my Dad was getting onto (read, yelling) at one of my brothers. I'm not sure what he did, but I'm pretty sure my Dad was being a little harsh at the time. We younger kids sat in silence, watching wide eyed. One of my younger sisters was probably crying because she has a tender heart, and if someone was in trouble she took it pretty hard. I remember watching my Mom during this exchange though...I could see her reaching a point that we did not like to see her get to. I vividly remember her SLAMMING her fist on the table (the dishes jumped I swear) and her telling my father "YOU will NOT talk to MY son that way."

I will never forget the look on her face.
Or the look on his. 

My parents had always been pretty united. They were one and the same. They made choices together, and even when they argued we watched them come to a conclusion together. Rarely did I see my Mother truly YELL back at my Father. This was one of those times and I think it's important that it was about one her babies. 

My mom taught me how to be fierce. She taught me to stand up for myself', she taught me that I was beautiful and talented. She cried with me, she prayed with me, she taught me how to be a woman of strength and dignity. 

And I have needed that knowledge and teaching more in the last year than ever before. 

Every day I am faced with the choices I need to make for my sons health. Every day I wake up deciding that today I will do whatever I need to do for him. Every day. 

And it. Is. Hard. 

It is hard because some days I don't want to. I want someone else to decide what to do for him. I want someone else to tell me what's best. I want someone else to know him better so they can make the tougher calls. It is hard because I don't want to tell the doctors that even though what they see looks good, something in my mama heart is still worried about our boy. It is hard because they hurt him, and I have to let them, because without it, his life would be forfeit. It is hard because I know too many woman with babies who didn't make it, babies who were doing just fine. Every day, we are faced with the fact that we might not have our son for long and every day I have to chose to say
"Thank you" for that. 

I have a beautiful friend. She has a project called the "I Chose Joy" project. It's amazing. She took what could have broken her and decided to find joy. To Chose Joy. Every single day. There are shirts  you can buy, I would highly recommend it. (The proceeds go to Joy Bags, which are sent out to parents who have found out that their little ones have HLHS...they offer support and love in a very difficult time.) So why bring this friend up?

Because I still need to be reminded to chose Joy. I still forget. I forget to see the Joy in the day, I forget to smile at nurses and techs, I forget to snuggle close to Blair and love on him. 

And I forget to tell God "Thank You." 

Thank You for giving our son half a heart. Thank You for making this road a hard one. Thank you for needles and medications and daily xrays. Thank You for shredded tires (that's a whole other story...) and sleepless nights. Thank You for clouded lungs and chest tubes. 

Thank You for drawing me closer to You, for reminding me how truly weak I am and showing up and reminding me how truly Strong You are. Thank You for teaching me, daily, to find MORE Joy. 

This is what I've been thinking about all day. Especially because I started a blog post that I will NEVER EVER PUBLISH. Seriously, I started writing, re-read some of it and closed my computer in disgust with myself. Boy did I need an attitude adjustment. 

And instead of my mom slamming her fist on the table, God slammed his mighty fist on my heart. Reminded me of the truth. 

And He told me to suck it up. Keep going. 

Every day. 

So I will do it all again tomorrow. 

I will fuss at the doctors and tell them that the way my son is acting NOW is the way he was acting before his lung filled with fluid and he turned blue. I will fight for more tests and more answers and I will advocate for the boy God has given me. 

And Lord have mercy I will be fierce. I will call on all the strength and dignity that I have and I will find the Joy. 

Because it's there. I know it is.