When I was younger I used to love adventures. I loved to drive without a destination, loved to take off and get lost, loved to find neat places and spend time there.
I'm a little older and while in theory I love those things, I'm also a huge fan of consistency and schedules and everything flowing smoothly.
Today, things did not flow smoothly.
Things didn't even really flow. Things kinda...got splattered all over the hood of the car while you're going 80 miles per hour and you think "Oh God what the crap." Just. Saying.
So the story goes like this, our "good" car has been acting funny. Just a little funny. Enough for us to say, yeah, we should get this looked at, but not enough for us to be like, nope, no more driving for us. Plus. Appointments. We can't not go to his appointments (even though we ended up canceling one)(ugh). So here I am in the city, a little over an hour away from home with my ten month old son and our car goes from "lets get this checked" to "this is not safe don't drive it anymore." I'm on the side of the road going from Appointment A to Appointment B and my car will not accelerate. In the middle of an intersection. On a three lane road. With my very cranky screaming ten month old.
I wish in my very core that I were better about break downs. Something about our cars not working strikes this instant flight or fight mode in me and I straight panic. I called Blair. No answer. So like every Daddy's girl out there I do the only other logical thing, I call up my Daddy. Who is amazing and wonderful and who talked me through my next steps and said "you really shouldn't be driving it like this." He also reminded me that first and foremost I need to be taking care of the very sad baby in the back seat. Ok. Got it. Take care of baby.
Problem was, where I was stopped, I could not get out of my car without another car taking the door off/hitting me. Both bad options. So I try to see if the car will go again and it does. At this point I'm on the phone with Blair talking to him and he is being very calm. As I go to turn off the busy road, the car stops accelerating again. As I'm going uphill. On the busy road. While on the phone with my husband. Who lost contact with me and thought we'd been hit. Fun. Ok. At that point the small human is VERY upset with me. I'm shaking and worried that I won't be able to get the car off the road without getting hit, but THANK YOU JESUS, I did.
I pull into a very nice house in Fairfax that is for sale. You can go look it up on Zillow here if you would like. It's a nice house, carpets are awful though. There was a very nice agent who was very worried about me and Dean. He told me that if the house was warmer he would have let us stay inside. The people he showed the house to had an adorable little girl they totted in, the Mama gave me a "of you poor thing" look.
Blair came and got us, we were able to go his work office get his car and get home.
Hindsight. I wish that I could have been calmer and more level headed. If I had, Blair would not have had to miss more work and I could have gotten back home on my own. It frustrates me how incredibly panicked I got today. Though, in my own defense of myself to myself (what?), when Blair saw the roads where I was he understood why I was so upset.
I am thankful that we were not on the highway when this happened. I am thankful Blair was on his way to DC on the Metro for work and could easily get to me. I am thankful that my Dad answered his phone and helped me calm down a little bit. I am thankful that no other cars hit us. I am thankful that I had several friends offer to come get us. I am thankful that my discipler and friend was texting me while all this was going on and reminding me of TRUE things. I am thankful that Blair got to talk to the president of the company he works for and tell him how thankful he is for all the help that they've given him.
I am thankful.
And I am tired. And I FEEL defeated. I FEEL like this is just one. more. thing. I FEEL like we are doing this all wrong. I FEEL like this is my fault. I FEEL like somehow some way, I caused this.
I FEEL this way. I KNOW this is not true. And I rode home with Blair, telling myself "God did not promise you a car. He promised to meet your needs." So. If we do not have another car, then God will provide a way for us to get where we need to be. I might have to call a lot of people. I might have to adjust everything about our lives, and I will do that. And I know that we have enough people that it will happen.
I'm just..I just...oh I am tired of this season. I am tired of feeling like I'm not doing enough. I'm tired of feeling like we don't do enough. I'm tired of not feeling like we can do this on our own. I am tired of asking for help all the time. I'm tired of making calls and asking and asking and feeling like I'm taking. All the time. I don't want to ask for help. I don't want to need help. I don't want to any more.
Today was not easy. And that's ok, we've had lots of not easy days this year. Ha, this wasn't even the not easiest. There have been much worse.
These are not the type of adventures that I want. These are not the stories that I want to tell. I just want to feel like I can breathe. Just for a second.
But I'm finding it hard to breathe, so. Good thing that God is giving me some scuba gear man. I have a mighty need for it.
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