Two Voices. One Choice.

The list in my head starts very early in the morning.

Do the dishes. 
Pick up the toys. 
Make breakfast. 
Clean up from breakfast.
Play.
Keep the TV off. 

The exhaustion creeps into my bones.

Pay the bills. 
Remember the bills due today that you forgot about. 
Frantically search to see if you can pay them online. 
Find out you can't. 
Decide to pack the kids up to go pay bill. 
Stand in line with two tired, hungry cranky kids. 
Realize you left the house without your wallet. 
Decide to leave. 

This is when the Voice starts to whisper into my heart, "You are not enough"

Make it home.
Change diapers.
Hurriedly make lunch.
Feed the kids lunch on the floor.
Worry that you didn't feed them enough.
Realize that you have a drainer full of dishes to be put away...and another sink full to wash.
Again.
Look around. See the toys. Realize you need to pick up.
Again. 

The Voice says in a sinister way "You are failing."
A still smaller voice whispers into my heart "I Am enough for you."

That second voice is so very hard to hear.

Turn n a movie. 
Toddler cries because its not the right movie. 
Get impatient. 
Yell, spank out of anger. 
Cry when she cries. 

That menacing voice says "You are a bad Mother."
That tiny voice insists "I have give you a gift, treasure them."

Realize your toddler has been begging you all day to play with her.
Realize you haven't played in the floor with your children.
Realize that you haven't read your Bible or prayed.
Waves of guilt and shame wash over you.
Cry silently while you hold your children. 

The harsh voice starts to say "What a horrible person you are-"

And that still quiet voice becomes a roar in my ears, crashing into my heart, drowning me in Grace screaming, yelling, willing itself to be heard

"I. Love. You. Right now. Right here. I love you. I love you when you forget bills and yell at your kids and forget your wallet when you leave the house. I love you at 3 AM when your son is not sleeping and you are angry. I love you when you lose patience. I love you when you worry and stress. I love you. Right here. Right now. Right where you are." 

And I let the list go. And I sit quietly with my girl. And I tell that first voice that is has. no. power. here. And I listen to that still small voice that tells me Grace is new every minute. That tells me that I am Enough in Him. And I let that voice seep into my bones and heart.

And I am thankful for it.