It has been one month. Tonight I am up late and my heart is racing and I can't force myself to sleep because that means tomorrow will come and I don't want to deal with tomorrow. I don't even want to deal with now.

You did not wake up this morning feeling an emptiness inside you. I did. I feel...like a tomb. A grave yard. I feel like I am standing on the edge of a panic attack...

Look so many things have happened in the past week and in the past month. My brain is swimming in images and thoughts and sensations. I want to write about everything. I want to tell these stories. None of the words formulate right and I honestly am afraid I sound like I'm having a pity party.

Dean got the flu. And just like I thought we would, we ended up spending a night in the hospital. If I can, I avoid ER trips. Do you know why? They suck. They always keep him up late they always traumatized him, they always make me cry. This time, his face turned blue while they placed the IV. The last time I saw him that blue was when he was air lifted because he was dying. All of my mom instincts wanted to be like "look we're here just cut him open fiddle around in there and be done, please".  Because honest to God I am effing sick of this. I just really am.

I'm sick of being scared to go places because he could sick. Then deciding not to scared and going places and then him getting sick. I'm tired of leaving Ellie with people when she should be with me. She had the flu too ya know. She felt just as miserable. And I had to leave her.

I don't think I handled this ER trip well at all. I don't think I've handled the past month well at all. I don't think people realize how traumatic and awful our miscarriage was. I don't think I realized how angry I am about all of it...

How many baby's do I have to watch die to have live kids? At this point, in order to carry to term, I assume I have to have a miscarriage first. It's like pieces of me are missing. Every time we take a family picture, three of my kids aren't there. Every time I see a family tree, three of my kids aren't there. When people ask me how many kids I have...how do I tell them I have five kids, when only two are with me? The X-ray tech at Deans hospital asked if I was pregnant or had any chance of being pregnant. I laughed. I didn't know what to say. "Nope! That baby died a mo th ago! We're cool!"...

I was so damn excited to be having another baby. To feel that little stinker kick and move, to watch my body change, to have him or her here in our home. I wanted t to nurse a baby again. I wanted a sweet cuddly newborn that snuggled with me late at night, wrapped in our own world...

Now I'm not sure if I ever want to do it again. I'm not sure I ever want to tell Blair we're having another baby only to watch myself bleed it out.

I don't really sleep any more. I've been having nightmares. It's easier to just stay awake.

This is not the life I ever imagined for myself. For Blair. For my kids. And lately I'm having a hard time accepting it and being content.

Anyways...it's late. And Moms don't get days off. So I'll go lay in bed for a while pretending I'm going to sleep...