Oceans (Where Feet May Fail)

So I'm just gonna keep writing about stuff, and y'all have to deal with it.
Because I have to deal with it.

Tonight, I'm writing about this song. Stop. Listen to it. And then I'll tell you a story.

So last Thursday night, I started to spot. And it wasn't a big deal, because honestly, that happens to a lot of woman.

Friday morning, I was still spotting, and I was trying not to freak out, but I was assuming the worst.

I was at a conference with a young woman from my church, and I was trying to hide how scared I was at this point. Every morning we had this intense workshop, and we had worship. The worship band was amazing. They truly loved the Lord. I went to the bathroom during that time, and there was still spotting, and in that moment. I knew. I knew what was gonna happen, in my heart and in my head. I did. Believe me or don't believe me, I don't care. But I knew.

I came back out, trying not to cry. And they started to sing this song. And I will never be able to listen to it again without thinking about this week. I stood there in worship and just cried and cried. And I thought, "You know Lord...this was one of those worst case scenario's where I thought, maybe I won't be able to love you if this happens." I'm listening to these lyrics, singing them in my heart because I couldn't with my lips, and in my heart, I knew I would loose this baby, and in that moment I heard that still small voice saying to me, "It's ok. You don't have to. But I'll still be here." And I remember thinking, Lord, do what you have to do to bring me closer to you.

Maybe I'm not gonna feel so strong for a while, people keep telling me that I am. That I can be angry at the injustice of it, that my feelings are ok, and these are all true things. And maybe today was just one of those good days where I didn't cry five times in a row, or I had clear moments when I knew that I will get through this. And maybe tomorrow everything will fall to pieces again and I won't be able to breath and I'll hate everything and I'll cry five million more times. Maybe tomorrow will be bad. But who cares? I don't have time to worry about tomorrow, besides, God's already there.

"Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders, let me walk upon the waters, where ever you may call me. Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander, and my faith will be made stronger in the presence of my Savior."

Just Give Me A Minute

I didn't write for a long time, because I had a secret.

But considering that that secret is gone, I guess it doesn't matter.

I'm writing out of pain, and hurt, and this...place that I've come to.

I was pregnant. I found out June 25. And I was excited. So excited. We talked about names, to a midwife, to my parents, his parents, my family, and finally we told others. Maybe we should have waited.

I lost the baby July 20. I was six and half weeks pregnant.

I can't...

It's a give her a minute time, like my friend Ameh likes to say.
"She's ok."
"Yeah, give her a minute."

"She's crying again."
"Yeah, give her a minute."

"She's angry."
"Yeah, give her a minute."

Just give me a minute.

Because, I'm ok sometimes, and then, I start crying again, and then I can't breath, and then I am so, so, so freaking, angry.

But I don't know what to be angry at, so I get confused.

And please, for the record, don't tell me that God has a plan. Don't tell me He knows, don't tell me that He's holding that little one, just, don't. I already know. I do. And I trust in that. But trusting in those things, does NOT make it hurt less. As a friend said when I told her "if you need me to sit in the ashes and be upset with you, I will."

When Job had everything taken from him, he just sat in the ashes.

And that might be where I am for a while. Because...because that was my baby. And I passed this...tissue...and it was my baby.

So please be patient with me. I'm grieving and while some days I'm ok, most of the time when I get home alone (because of course my husband has to be gone for two weeks while this happens) it's not ok anymore. And there are some things that you can't erase from your memory. And there are times when the hurt is very real and close and sharp.

This to shall pass, but it hasn't yet.

So please, please just...just give me a minute...

How Good It Is!

So it's been a while. Or it feels like it's been a while. I've avoided writing just because I've been to tired to write. So much has been going on, and finding time for it has been harder for me than I thought it would be.

I finally, finally, have something that I really want to write about. I know I know, it's taken me long enough, and I promise you, it's probably not what you're all expecting.

My husband and I have recently had the opportunity to meet and become friend with an amazing couple who have four little girls. Who, as you can tell by the picture, are 3, 2, 1, and 0 (about three months if I'm not mistaken).

We all started a Bible Study that will meet on Sunday nights, and I'll be honest, it was awesome. We ate together, played outside with the girls, and I had the chance to catch some pretty cute pictures.

 Do you know how nice it is to feel encouraged? Do you remember the last time you met people who love some of the same things that you do? Can you tell me the last time you just got to fellowship with other people, who just love the Lord?

When was the last time, you truly felt encouraged?

We ended our night with prayer. And I'll be honest, it took a lot for me not to cry. We learned new things, were given some good food for thought, and we just. Felt encouraged.

At the camp that I used to work at, we had this thing, called the Five Finger Contract and/or the Full value contract. One thing that we always talked about was encouragement. Encouragement to do new things, to help one another during the week, all sorts of things. I've been thinking a lot, every time I see my hand really, how much I need to feel encouraged. I need to feel uplifted and like someone out there has something out there who just has my back. We all need that. 

And for a long time, and you can ask my husband about this, I haven't felt like anyone is backing me up. I've felt a little lost, like I was still searching for someone or something to just make me feel good after I left their house. It was nice, to go be with some one who believes in Midwives, and natural labor. It was nice to talk to a young women who believes in nursing her children and who had four little ones who are so very adorable. We prayed before we ate, and talked bible, and you know what, it was nice. It was truly just nice. 

  

I hope you all feel encouraged by this. I hope you all just feel encouraged in general. Because as much as we Christians need our personal relationship with Christ, we need the Body of Believers. After all, that's why David said in Psalm 133,

Behold, how good and pleasant it is

    when brothers dwell in unity!

2 

It is like the precious oil on the head,

    running down on the beard,

on the beard of Aaron,

    running down on the collar of his robes!

3 

It is like the dew of Hermon,

    which falls on the mountains of Zion!

For there the Lord has commanded the blessing,

    life forevermore.

Excuse Me, My PMS Is Showing

There are some times in my life when I want to look at people and say, "Pardon me, my uterus and PMS is showing, would you excuse me a moment?"

I don't have cute pictures to share this time, and I don't know if anything I write will make sense, and if you're a dude, you might not want to read this, or maybe you should, I don't frigg'en care.

I'm a girl. My hormones go a little crazy sometimes. If you're one of those girls whose periods doesn't affect them, well fine and dandy for you...jerk. That's how I feel about that.

I've had to learn to be very careful with my emotions. Because it's very easy to use this as an excuse to be mean and sin. But it shouldn't be used for that.

My wonderful husband always reminds me of reasons we should rejoice during my time o'the month. And today, since I'm feeling pretty annoyed with the whole thing, I decided to share those reasons we rejoice.

1. The bodies design/the design of a woman's body is so complex and wonderful that all of this just means that God created my body to do these wonderful amazing things, and that is worth rejoicing in. 
2. I can have babies. Let's be real, it's true. 
3. Blair doesn't mind taking care of me while I'm all sorts of crazy and hormonal. I went to sleep before him last night and when he crawled into bed with me, it woke me up. Which, God Forgive Me, was the wrong thing for him to do. I wanted to punch his face off. As I write this, I have to chuckle to myself a little bit. I didn't scream though, I got up, went to the bathroom, and came back to bed. This conversation happened,
   "Can I snuggle you?"-Him
   "NO....please don't touch me..." -Me
   He loves me in the morning. He's a good man.

I know there are more reasons than that, but I can't think of them, and I want a nap. :)

Hope you laughed at this, maybe even a little. 

But if you didn't, I'm in that mood, where, really, I don't care. 

That Is All

Confessions of a Not Returning Summer Staffer

I have to make lists a lot, and I've been debating on whether or not I should share this latest list. Mainly because it could come off as sound callous, so hopefully is I explain it right, I won't!

See, this is the first time in four years that I am not going back to camp. Not going back to the place where pictures like this

And this..

happen.

Right now is staff training. And I am not part of it. And it's weird, just really weird. I've been doing really well it, and the reason I am doing so well with it is because I've made a list of GOOD things that can happen this summer because I'm not at camp. I would like to share that list, mainly so that some of my actions recently are explained, and also because I'm a sharing type of girl :)

1. My Husband, is the number one reason why going to camp is ok. :) Let's be honest, I love him, I love him a WHOLE bunch, more than just a little bit, and every night I get to shnuggle up next to him and it's wonderful. As much as I miss my camp, this makes it all so worth it. 
2. The Library. Don't judge! This summer they're doing an adult reading club fun thing. You register books and then they hand out prizes! Can you believe that!? Prizes! For just reading! I am a huge fan, and have three books already that I need to log...
3. Dresses. I have dressed like and looked like a professional all week. I didn't wear shorts, or even my paint pants! I wore theses wonderful flowy sundresses. It would be hard to wear a sundress at camp while you're in a harness trying to Belay people....things could get awkward. 
4. My Caleb, my job, his Momma. God has me right where He wants me, and this family that I've come to love so dearly actually needs me this summer. It's exciting to be here with them during the summer months, and different. I'm so used to school school school that just being and having fun with them is a whole new animal. I like it. And I like being here for his Momma, who if you've followed me on Facebook, is doing VERY well. 
5. Camp Unite! I've been involved in and helping to plan Camp Unite! The youth pastor at our church has rallied together some youth groups to do a week of camp right here in my community! Hello! This is RIGHT up my alley! I'm doing skits, and crafts, and sharing my testimony. I can't wait to see what the Lord does with this one week of camp. 
6. This is gonna sound awful, but it's the truth...on Saturdays...I can...well, truth be told, I can sleep in. I can. I probably won't to much, but I can, and that little fact just boggles my mind...
7. Photography. I made a Facebook page! https://www.facebook.com/MJaquesPhotography, if you haven't liked it, please go do so now. :) And the best part is, that people have contacted me about doing some pictures for them! I am humbled by the amount of people who are on board with this, and maybe with some publicity I can start booking some more people for shoots. I realllllly wanna do another birth! Really! I loved doing that and I'm really hoping that opportunity opens up again. 
8. This blog! I hope I write a lot this summer! I plan on having a FEW adventures, so I can record them very easily right here for you all to see! 
9. Another confession...Air Conditioning...it's the truth. Don't judge. 
10. Did I mention my Husband? Yes, let me mention it again, he makes being here in the humidity of Va bearable. (Plus we have a tiny apartment that we can easily make freezing cold, refer number 9...)
11. I. AM. GOING. TO. COLORADO. IN JULY! WHOOO-HOO! A couple months back a wonderful young human from my church asked if I would consider going to this thing called LTCU, Lead the Cause University. I'm pretty much stoked about it. I'm going and it's gonna be awesome. 
12. New friends. I've made a couple in the past few months. It's been interesting and I love it. I'm excited to here and be a part of other people's lives. 
13. I can go to the bathroom alone. Being labeled "camp mom" means many things. I always had bug spray, bug bite medicine, I made sure people did their "chores", I cleaned up after people, and some nights I was up late listening. I also didn't go to the bathroom alone much. A certain Ms.G and Ms.P would not allow it...you know who you are...you crazy woman! Now, this whole summer, I am alone to take care of things. How nice!

So there you have my amusing list, at least, I hope it amused you. 

And don't worry, just because I'm not physically going to camp, doesn't mean I'm not praying for them, or there in my heart. I miss it, but there are so many things to look forward to, and I have to remind myself of those things so I don't get all melancholy and sad. 

What about you all? You have any brilliant plans for the summer?

The New Apartment (Pictures too!)

Here are pictures of our new place. 

It's a neat little place, and since I've taken these pictures we've put up curtains, moved more things to storage, and I am proud to say that we are COMPLETELY moved out of the OTHER house, and we NEVER have to go back. 

Yesterday I dropped off the other house key and walked through those rooms once last time. I'm fighting the urge to be bitter. We loved painting those walls, and we loved living there, and I had every intention of having our first baby in those rooms. The kitchen was big and wonderful and it was quiet, in the morning you could hear the birds. Am I sad that we moved? Maybe just a little, if I had to be honest. 

Coming home to our little two bedroom though, brings a smile to my face. There are things about this little apartment that I love. Being so close to my godson happens to be one of the best parts. 

And guess what?! The other day, I vacuumed and I never even had to move the plug! It was awesome! We're close to town, we're closer to Winchester, we've separated from Front Royal a little bit, and my Husband loves his job. 

I guess, yesterday, as I was driving home I was just thinking, you know, I don't care where all my stuff is. Not really. So long as I know that my Husband will be there waiting for me. And don't get me wrong, if God truly wanted us to move again anytime soon, He and I would have words, because it was a lot of work, and it caused a lot of stress for me and my husband. God has his plans though, and if His plans are an itty bitty two bedroom, then so be it. 

We like our new little place. we enjoy it and I'm glad we're where we are. 

So there you have it folks, the long awaited pictures of the new place, I know my loyal fan group was dying to see it. Hahaha...fan group...I crack myself up! :)

I'm Just Not June

So I'm making dinner super late tonight, because the Husband's new job gives him weird hours and he's gone until ten, and I JUST NOW finally got hungry, and when I cook, I think a lot.

I'm making this casserole noddle cheese thing and thinking about how nice it will be for my Husband to come and have dinner that he can heat and a clean floor and I recall a conversation that he and I had not long ago.

Somewhere along my delusional girl mind I had this theory that the house/apartment/living space should always be super clean for him when he gets home, and dinner should just be coming from the oven, and laundry should be done. Somewhere along the way, I decided that June Cleaver was going to be living at our household.

What I thought I was supposed to look like...

I would greet my Beloved in a cute apron and a clean dress, and the dishes would be done, and the house would be cleaned and I would never ever be overwhelmed.

So this past month, while we're moving and dealing with crazy landlords and other personal things, I had this crazy mental breakdown, because I was not able to do all this. Because I am only one woman, and most of the time, just like you, I need help.

I'm not saying that this is not what I want. I still want to be a Bride, and a Mommy, and all that that entails. However, as I was sitting there sobbing to my poor husband (who probably just asked me some silly question) he said something I've written down now about three times, because I can't forget this, I can't.

"If that is your expectation of yourself for our marriage, stop. Just stop. You won't always be able to. There will always be dishes, there will always be something that needs to be cleaned, and you will not always want to cook dinner. You will be tired, and sometimes cranky, and baby, that's fine. So long as I come home to you, none of that other stuff matters. And if it matters so much to you, that will cause problems for us later, so...you know...stop."

So I know that all you married people out there are saluting the amazing male human that is my husband. You woman who have been where I was, are standing and smiling and shouting for joy that someone else's husbands gets it. Not only that, he caught this early in our marriage. And you know, he's right. 

I like to clean and make things nice and serve. Some days though, I wake up, and hate, you know, pretty much everything. My husbands love and support help me get through the day sometimes. 

It's so fun to me that I've kept up with this little blog. I hope that one day I can look back at how silly I was when we first got married. To see our courtship, our marriage, and then these first months... the lessons and heartache and growing up that we both had to do. Some people look at us and say, "But you're just babies! How can you be married!?" I understand now. 

But doing all of this with a man who says such sweet things like that well...it makes it all worth it doesn't it? :)