That's All

It is the day after Thanksgiving, and I have finally showered. To put this in reference, I haven't since Sunday. I don't care if you think that's gross, it's what happened. Showering take a lot of me, I get real tired. I even shaved my legs.

I don't know what I want to write. I haven't in a while. We've had so much going on that, sitting down to write something seems...trivial. I don't even have any new revelations or spiritual awakenings or big commitments or anything to tell you.

I am surviving. Living. There are some things in the making, but for the most part, nothing is new.

I think if anything, I'm learning something very important about myself. I don't think I know how to ask for help. I am so used to being able to do things on my own, and to go help other people, well...as this current stage in my life, I need help. But I'm having a real issue knowing who to ask, or how to ask, without going into to much detail as to why I have to ask.

I have been relying on my Husband for a lot. A lot. A lot lot. I can't stress to you how important he has been to me. I'm learning that he is so much more selfless than I am. I wish I could be like him more, in that. I feel more selfish that I think I really am.

One day at a time, right?

Maybe the next time I write I'll have more words of wisdom or a cute story.

For now, this is all you get.

Rest in Goodness

It's 8:33, and I should be asleep. My husband is/is trying even as I type this. But, I can't sleep just yet, and I haven't written in a while, so I decided to. 

Because, I am learning. So many things. 

August sucked. September, except for a few parts (like seeing one of my best friends get married/visiting one of my other very best friends) sucked. 

I've taken to memorizing scripture. Like it's a life line. Like it's my job, and well, it is. I've paid special attention to Philippians 4:8, and Matthew 6:34. Go look them up, I'm to lazy to type them out. I've been learning/been being taught that we are to take it one day at a time.

I can't control tomorrow, I can't control money, I can't control people, I can't control time, I can't control the president, I can't control some of the things my body has done, and I can't control situations. But, 

I can control me. 

I can control my thoughts and actions, and instead of dwelling on things that are negative and silly, I think about true and lovely and honorable things. Instead of worrying about tomorrow I remember that God is I Am, not I was or I will be. He's the God of Today. 

And you know, I have good days and bad days, but today was a good day. I was thinking last night about bills and people and food and how I'm going to buy groceries and what all I needed to do this week, but, today, I quieted myself. I thought about God's goodness and with a rational mind I thought about His faithfulness. 

And He proved to me that this is Truth. 

And I'm going to go to sleep soon, curl up next to my husband, and I'm going to truly rest in His goodness. 

For now friends, look at me and my husband being adorable. 

Because we are.

And I met a girl who's trying to start her own business and she took pictures of us and it was wonderful. And it was cute. And I love them. 

So look at our faces and smile, because we are. :)

Um, the water was cold.

  

Whatever Is Lovely

Good morning!

Today, I am adorable. I woke up giggly and woke my husband up giggly and giggled about one and million things already this morning. 

Good days are good. 

All things considered this past two weeks, with as many silly things that happened, there was a lot of good things. I've found encouragement, I've been honest, with myself, with others. I've laughed, I've made a few changes in my life. I've been brutally honest about why I want to make those changes. 

The husband and I go out. It's not that we're past the honeymoon stage, we just actually enjoy the company of others now. And it's the company of good people. Like this kids 18 birthday:

He's a cool kid. His family is pretty awesome to. Spending that evening with his family and some other friends kinda made my week. We played Mad Libs. We laughed and ate pizza. We watched a three year old very bossily tell people where they should be hiding, and laughed when she told who was going to count. 

 Why does this world think that we need to drink and smoke and do all sorts of other detrimental stuff to have fun? I had fun. There was no smoking, no drinking, just honest fun. The type of fun where you play hide and seek with a three year old. The type of fun where she finds a bug and carries it around and wants to show EVERYONE where she found it. Don't get me wrong, I'm over 21, every now and again, I have a drink. But the people I hang out with don't have to be drunk to have an awesome time. I'm just reflecting on a time in my life where that wasn't true...

I wrote this blog post in my head at three thirty this morning. I feel like there was something more profound that I wanted to say, some big revelation that would shock and awe you. 

But the truth is that I woke up in a good mood this morning, and have been hanging around good people most of the week and that's helped me. 

Support comes in such funny ways. People who I didn't even know came out of the woodwork to encourage, support and love on me and my husband. And even in those moments (which I still have) where I don't know what we're doing, how we'll buy groceries, or I'm tired of waking up (again) at three, I remember those people. And it really does make me smile. 

This is the verse I'm dwelling on this week, one that was mentioned to me this Sunday:

Philippians 4:8

Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things.

3 AM Life Lessons

Why Hello There World,

IT'S 4:06 IN THE MORNING. 

Fun fact, I am not a morning person. Not really. If I can get up on my own terms at my own time, I do pretty well. Change my schedule, and man, life will be rough for a while...ask my best friends mother. I was once a Jeopardy question at her birthday party, "Danielle thinks this person is the scariest person in the world to wake up...who is Maddie Carrigan?"...I maintain that those were bad teenage years, and said best friends mother needs to let that one go...however, I am woman enough to admit my lack of morning happiness deficiencies.

The man and I are back down to one car, which just means I have to wake up before God to take him to work, change my work schedule (which worked out fine...I hope...I think...) and go to bed while it's still light out. All things we can manage. It's a season right?

So today was the first day I had to be up at said time, and there are some things that I am already learning. Here is a list. I composed it while trying to not act like a crazy person on the road.

1. The lights stay green, because no one else is on the road...seriously...it was weird. And if I did come to a red light, it changed quickly. And why? Because no one else is on the road this early...and for good reason.
2. I'm a bad early morning driver. I had a running commentary about everything this morning, my husband politely asked me to stop talking...it was that bad. 
3. The only commercials are ones for people who are over 50 and need life insurance. And why would these be the only commercials? Because only really old people are up this late? I guess...I don't know. I would think they would put more commercials on about crazy young adults who need to settle down or something...or maybe it's just that I was watching more re-runs of Law and Order (it's a good show, I'm a little obsessed, with all the different ones, but SVU is def. a fave!)(Oh my gosh, I just shortened words............)
4. Opossums. We almost killed one, along with a squirrel and a deer. Wild life decides to be awake this early too. Also opossums are freaking ugly man. It's no wonder they only come out at night when normal people are asleep...don't nobody want to see them. 

I also have already done dishes, made my bed, and picked up my room, AND I remembered to take meat out of the freezer for dinner. 

And now I feel like I have all this time to do more stuff. I'm even contemplating running...or watching the sunrise...or making more cards....or stamping...showering would probably be helpful. But you know what I could really go for?

I hope this amused you all. And I hope you all realize that what's really about to happen is that I'll fall back asleep, maybe. 

I should write a poem about 3AM...it's a crazzzzzy time. 

Valid

People are weird. Because sometimes, they don't know what to say to you.

They either ignore the situation, tell you their own story and offer condolences, ask you if you want to talk about it, or they ask what they can to do help. Some people are so awkward about it that you can't help but feel sorry for them. A woman from my church today gave me two of something instead of one because I was pregnant...I calmly smiled and said, "No sweetie, not anymore." People don't know how to handle that.

I wish I was writing a blog post about how this is drawing me closer to God, how I'm learning so much about His character, or about patience or something...but I'm not. I'm not learning anything, and I'll be really honest, Church sucked this week for me. Completely sucked. There are so many pregnant woman in my church, and please please please if you are one of those woman don't think that I hate you, or can't be around you, or anything like that. I can. But later, I might have to cry about it. Because, I was supposed to be one of those woman. I was supposed to be counted when people started talking about new babies and mothers. There were other things to, said in ignorance, that just cut me to my core. I think I spent most of service holding onto my husbands hand while crying.

I don't know...when that will change. I don't know how to grieve, and I don't know how much time is enough. I feel like there will never be enough time to grieve for this tiny person who was supposed to grow up and be loved by my husband and I. We wanted our baby. With all that we are, we wanted our baby.

I'm still learning how to...be. Exist. A stranger asked me the other day if I was a mother...how do you explain to them that you are, that you had a baby that passed from this world?

I don't know. I may never know. And I keep writing about it, and I will continue to write about it. Because I have to. I might have to for a long time. I have to talk about my baby, and if you catch me on the right day, I might talk about it with you.

It's ok to look at me and say that you're sorry I lost my baby. It's ok to ask me how I'm doing. I'll tell you if I can or can't talk about our little one.

It's not ok to act like it never happened. I need to know that the life of my baby, however short, was important. I need to know that our little one mattered, and I need to know that people see me for what I am, a mother without her child.

Ignoring that it happened, is probably the worst thing you could do...because it really makes me think that these emotions that I'm feeling are not validated. That they aren't important.

But they are.

Distractions

I thought about writing a full fledged post, but in the end, I don't think I care too...

Recovery is a long road, and I'll be honest, I feel like there is more and more bad things happening, and while I know there's still good, it's hard not to feel defeated.

Especially when you think that you're done crying and your husband comes home and you cry all over him...again...

I'm tired. And this week, I feel defeated. I feel defeated, useless, and very very very empty.

And for as tired as I am, I'm not sleeping. Maybe one day I will share the art that I've made since...yeah...

Here's the thing that no one tells you about miscarriages, I'm a mother, I am. I just don't get to hold my baby...yeah...wrap your mind around that one...

I'm still on that minute by minute processing...and it's still rough a lot of the days...

BUT
Tomorrow, I am FINALLY getting to do a photo shoot and me and some friends are going to get VERY dressed up, we're gonna go out, and we're just gonna pretend for a moment that we're young and carefree and nothing can touch us.

I think sometimes, we just need distractions, and right now, I need one....

One Week Later

It's my birthday tomorrow.
And I'm torn between celebrating the day of my birth, to hiding in my my house because I'm still grieving the loss of my child...

I don't know.
I don't know yet what we'll do.
My Beloved is HOME now, and I have to say, just having him in the house is so good for me. Just having him near me is good for me. I'm glad we live in this little apartment, because I would have been so very lost by myself at that big house in the mountain.
Each day, things get a little better. I don't cry as much as I used to, as much as I did this week.

There are so many other emotions right now though that I've never had to deal with that are just completely throwing me off. For example: other woman with children. Some people, I just can't handle. I don't want to be around them, I don't what to hear them complain, I don't want to care. As I said on my Facebook, this week I've become so incredibly grateful for a family that holds me up, a husband who supports and listens, and for friends who drop everything for me. When I hear ungrateful comments, though they are not personally directed towards me, it kills me. "Love you children," I said, "because at least you have them, some of us don't." And I stand by what I said.

I would give anything to still be exhausted. I would give anything to need naps at three o'clock because my body was working in growing a baby. I would even give anything to have morning sickness, or to have to pee every blessed three minutes. Anything. If you're a mother, hug your kids. Love them, because if you had lost one of them, you would feel the same way.

I'm also just trying to assimilate myself back into life, and I'm finding that to be harder than I thought it would be. Some days I still feel like I can't function. I get a call from my brothers wife everyday, just because she cares and she has to check up on me. I love her for it. I also called my oldest brothers wife who knows this pain. Our conversation went like this, me, "Today just sucks."
She said, "Yeah...yeah it does."
I think that was all I needed to hear from someone.

I'm not looking for answers, I'm not blaming God, what's the point in that? He didn't DO this. We live in a fallen world, a world where babies die in the womb, because yes, yes we are that far from the Lord and what He originally wanted. Makes me wonder if Eve, who was alive so close to Paradise, ever miscarried a baby? I don't know. I certainly hope not.

When my husband came home his biggest concern was that I wouldn't feel beautiful, that I wouldn't feel like he still wanted me. And to tell the truth, he was right. He had to spend some time in the past few hours and days convincing me that he still thinks I'm beautiful. I thought...I thought how could he when my body, this things he loves so much, has done something so ugly? I've been working on that one...he's been a huge help...

Having him home...I feel like I'm really ready to start to heal now. I just needed to hold onto him, to be near him, to hear HIM tell me that this wasn't my fault. Because there is head knowledge and heart knowledge, and sometimes the path between the two gets funky and messed up. There are a lot of things right now that I know, but I don't feel. Sometimes I think that's really what my husband does, he helps me align the two.

And here its time for my birthday. Part of me wants to skip it, the other part of me is ok with people telling me happy birthday, and a strange part of me wants to just hide. It's also Sunday and I didn't go to church last Sunday...not without my husband. I have this theory in my head that when I get there I'll just start crying again...just when I thought that I was done crying to. I can't live like that though, hiding just because bad things happen. Bad things are going to continue happening. There will be other times in our marriage where things kinda just suck a whole lot.

So we are going to church. And we are going to eat pie at a friends house to celebrate my birthday. And I am going to continue to grieve the only way I know how.

I think though, that there is a small part of my heart that will always be reserved for this baby. Because I wanted him or her...so much. And I just don't think something like that will ever go away...