There are some times in my life when I want to look at people and say, "Pardon me, my uterus and PMS is showing, would you excuse me a moment?"
I don't have cute pictures to share this time, and I don't know if anything I write will make sense, and if you're a dude, you might not want to read this, or maybe you should, I don't frigg'en care.
I'm a girl. My hormones go a little crazy sometimes. If you're one of those girls whose periods doesn't affect them, well fine and dandy for you...jerk. That's how I feel about that.
I've had to learn to be very careful with my emotions. Because it's very easy to use this as an excuse to be mean and sin. But it shouldn't be used for that.
My wonderful husband always reminds me of reasons we should rejoice during my time o'the month. And today, since I'm feeling pretty annoyed with the whole thing, I decided to share those reasons we rejoice.
The bodies design/the design of a woman's body is so complex and wonderful that all of this just means that God created my body to do these wonderful amazing things, and that is worth rejoicing in.
I can have babies. Let's be real, it's true.
Blair doesn't mind taking care of me while I'm all sorts of crazy and hormonal. I went to sleep before him last night and when he crawled into bed with me, it woke me up. Which, God Forgive Me, was the wrong thing for him to do. I wanted to punch his face off. As I write this, I have to chuckle to myself a little bit. I didn't scream though, I got up, went to the bathroom, and came back to bed. This conversation happened, "Can I snuggle you?"-Him "NO....please don't touch me..." -Me He loves me in the morning. He's a good man.
I know there are more reasons than that, but I can't think of them, and I want a nap. :)
Hope you laughed at this, maybe even a little.
But if you didn't, I'm in that mood, where, really, I don't care.
I have to make lists a lot, and I've been debating on whether or not I should share this latest list. Mainly because it could come off as sound callous, so hopefully is I explain it right, I won't!
See, this is the first time in four years that I am not going back to camp. Not going back to the place where pictures like this
And this..
happen.
Right now is staff training. And I am not part of it. And it's weird, just really weird. I've been doing really well it, and the reason I am doing so well with it is because I've made a list of GOOD things that can happen this summer because I'm not at camp. I would like to share that list, mainly so that some of my actions recently are explained, and also because I'm a sharing type of girl :)
My Husband, is the number one reason why going to camp is ok. :) Let's be honest, I love him, I love him a WHOLE bunch, more than just a little bit, and every night I get to shnuggle up next to him and it's wonderful. As much as I miss my camp, this makes it all so worth it.
The Library. Don't judge! This summer they're doing an adult reading club fun thing. You register books and then they hand out prizes! Can you believe that!? Prizes! For just reading! I am a huge fan, and have three books already that I need to log...
Dresses. I have dressed like and looked like a professional all week. I didn't wear shorts, or even my paint pants! I wore theses wonderful flowy sundresses. It would be hard to wear a sundress at camp while you're in a harness trying to Belay people....things could get awkward.
My Caleb, my job, his Momma. God has me right where He wants me, and this family that I've come to love so dearly actually needs me this summer. It's exciting to be here with them during the summer months, and different. I'm so used to school school school that just being and having fun with them is a whole new animal. I like it. And I like being here for his Momma, who if you've followed me on Facebook, is doing VERY well.
Camp Unite! I've been involved in and helping to plan Camp Unite! The youth pastor at our church has rallied together some youth groups to do a week of camp right here in my community! Hello! This is RIGHT up my alley! I'm doing skits, and crafts, and sharing my testimony. I can't wait to see what the Lord does with this one week of camp.
This is gonna sound awful, but it's the truth...on Saturdays...I can...well, truth be told, I can sleep in. I can. I probably won't to much, but I can, and that little fact just boggles my mind...
Photography. I made a Facebook page! https://www.facebook.com/MJaquesPhotography, if you haven't liked it, please go do so now. :) And the best part is, that people have contacted me about doing some pictures for them! I am humbled by the amount of people who are on board with this, and maybe with some publicity I can start booking some more people for shoots. I realllllly wanna do another birth! Really! I loved doing that and I'm really hoping that opportunity opens up again.
This blog! I hope I write a lot this summer! I plan on having a FEW adventures, so I can record them very easily right here for you all to see!
Another confession...Air Conditioning...it's the truth. Don't judge.
Did I mention my Husband? Yes, let me mention it again, he makes being here in the humidity of Va bearable. (Plus we have a tiny apartment that we can easily make freezing cold, refer number 9...)
I. AM. GOING. TO. COLORADO. IN JULY! WHOOO-HOO! A couple months back a wonderful young human from my church asked if I would consider going to this thing called LTCU, Lead the Cause University. I'm pretty much stoked about it. I'm going and it's gonna be awesome.
New friends. I've made a couple in the past few months. It's been interesting and I love it. I'm excited to here and be a part of other people's lives.
I can go to the bathroom alone. Being labeled "camp mom" means many things. I always had bug spray, bug bite medicine, I made sure people did their "chores", I cleaned up after people, and some nights I was up late listening. I also didn't go to the bathroom alone much. A certain Ms.G and Ms.P would not allow it...you know who you are...you crazy woman! Now, this whole summer, I am alone to take care of things. How nice!
So there you have my amusing list, at least, I hope it amused you.
And don't worry, just because I'm not physically going to camp, doesn't mean I'm not praying for them, or there in my heart. I miss it, but there are so many things to look forward to, and I have to remind myself of those things so I don't get all melancholy and sad.
What about you all? You have any brilliant plans for the summer?
It's a neat little place, and since I've taken these pictures we've put up curtains, moved more things to storage, and I am proud to say that we are COMPLETELY moved out of the OTHER house, and we NEVER have to go back.
Yesterday I dropped off the other house key and walked through those rooms once last time. I'm fighting the urge to be bitter. We loved painting those walls, and we loved living there, and I had every intention of having our first baby in those rooms. The kitchen was big and wonderful and it was quiet, in the morning you could hear the birds. Am I sad that we moved? Maybe just a little, if I had to be honest.
Coming home to our little two bedroom though, brings a smile to my face. There are things about this little apartment that I love. Being so close to my godson happens to be one of the best parts.
And guess what?! The other day, I vacuumed and I never even had to move the plug! It was awesome! We're close to town, we're closer to Winchester, we've separated from Front Royal a little bit, and my Husband loves his job.
I guess, yesterday, as I was driving home I was just thinking, you know, I don't care where all my stuff is. Not really. So long as I know that my Husband will be there waiting for me. And don't get me wrong, if God truly wanted us to move again anytime soon, He and I would have words, because it was a lot of work, and it caused a lot of stress for me and my husband. God has his plans though, and if His plans are an itty bitty two bedroom, then so be it.
We like our new little place. we enjoy it and I'm glad we're where we are.
So there you have it folks, the long awaited pictures of the new place, I know my loyal fan group was dying to see it. Hahaha...fan group...I crack myself up! :)
So I'm making dinner super late tonight, because the Husband's new job gives him weird hours and he's gone until ten, and I JUST NOW finally got hungry, and when I cook, I think a lot.
I'm making this casserole noddle cheese thing and thinking about how nice it will be for my Husband to come and have dinner that he can heat and a clean floor and I recall a conversation that he and I had not long ago.
Somewhere along my delusional girl mind I had this theory that the house/apartment/living space should always be super clean for him when he gets home, and dinner should just be coming from the oven, and laundry should be done. Somewhere along the way, I decided that June Cleaver was going to be living at our household.
What I thought I was supposed to look like...
I would greet my Beloved in a cute apron and a clean dress, and the dishes would be done, and the house would be cleaned and I would never ever be overwhelmed.
So this past month, while we're moving and dealing with crazy landlords and other personal things, I had this crazy mental breakdown, because I was not able to do all this. Because I am only one woman, and most of the time, just like you, I need help.
I'm not saying that this is not what I want. I still want to be a Bride, and a Mommy, and all that that entails. However, as I was sitting there sobbing to my poor husband (who probably just asked me some silly question) he said something I've written down now about three times, because I can't forget this, I can't.
"If that is your expectation of yourself for our marriage, stop. Just stop. You won't always be able to. There will always be dishes, there will always be something that needs to be cleaned, and you will not always want to cook dinner. You will be tired, and sometimes cranky, and baby, that's fine. So long as I come home to you, none of that other stuff matters. And if it matters so much to you, that will cause problems for us later, so...you know...stop."
So I know that all you married people out there are saluting the amazing male human that is my husband. You woman who have been where I was, are standing and smiling and shouting for joy that someone else's husbands gets it. Not only that, he caught this early in our marriage. And you know, he's right.
I like to clean and make things nice and serve. Some days though, I wake up, and hate, you know, pretty much everything. My husbands love and support help me get through the day sometimes.
It's so fun to me that I've kept up with this little blog. I hope that one day I can look back at how silly I was when we first got married. To see our courtship, our marriage, and then these first months... the lessons and heartache and growing up that we both had to do. Some people look at us and say, "But you're just babies! How can you be married!?" I understand now.
But doing all of this with a man who says such sweet things like that well...it makes it all worth it doesn't it? :)
So here's the dealio, this week, kinda really just sucked. It's the truth. I won't deny it, really don't think that I could. If you know me, talk to me, read my Facebook, you would know this. It's really simple to know.
Know who else knows I had a lousy week?
My husband.
Sunday afternoon, I cried.
Monday night, I cried.
Get the picture?
Some of it was about stupid stuff, some of it was about stuff that really hurt my heart. A lot it was for other people. He dealt with it beautiful. He held me, comforted me, told me he was here, and let me be completely and totally insane in every possibly way.
So far this week my husband has done the dishes multiple times, folded laundry for me, moved crap loads of stuff to out small storage space, made our bed most mornings, and today, he truly went above and beyond.
My husband showed up at work and gave me these daisy's. And not just Walmart flowers, they were from a real florists. He brought them to my work and made me blush, and made me smile. He then proceeded to kiss me and tell me that he was making me dinner tonight.
He made me bacon wrapped asparagus, and garlic baked chicken and salad and it was wonderful. Bacon wrapped anything is always good. Asparagus is always good. This was a win win situation people. And it was good. It was so incredibly good.
After that and our movie, which was Hook, one of the best movies to ever exist in the world, we went out to Bloop, a frozen yogurt place.
My husband knows me. And he knows me well. I feel pampered and precious and gorgeous and wonderful, and I just feel like I can make it through this next week.
And I just wanted to write this. To remember all the good things in this world. To remember that my Husband loves me and sees me and wants to make things better.
When I get angry, it's hard for me to sleep. Unfortunately, the same goes for my beloved Husband, which is why both of us were up until two in the morning last night, and no, it's not because we're newly weds, it's because we were so very angry.
There is a lot of injustice in this world. And I can't think about it to much because it keeps me awake at night. It haunts me. It hurts my heart. It hurts my heart that people would hurt babies, that mothers loose their infants, that wickedness and pain flow from people just to make others miserable. It hurts my heart when I feel like my Husband and I are doing all we can to be good, righteous God fearing folk, and it feels like we fail time and time again. At least to me it feels like we're failing. This adult thing, I'm not sure that I like it so much. Sometimes, and don't tell the Husband, I think about how much easier it was living in parents basement and running away to camp every summer. I can't do that. Nor would I trade waking up to my Husbands face, or to hear him call "Baby? Where are you, I can't find you" when I've woken up at five in the morning and am sitting at our kitchen table pouring my heart out to the Lord, and just asking, God, why?
See, my Husband, when things like this happen (I'll explain the this in a second...) he just smiles, and says, "This means we're doing something good, this means that Satan has to attack us because he's scared of our testimony!" He gets excited when we are put down, persecuted (because that's what this feels like), and when things that I consider "bad" happen. I think he praises the Lord more than I do in this...and I can't tell you how lovely it is to be around someone with that kind of Faith.
We are dealing with our previous landlords, and without going into to much, basically, we're young and naive and stupid and should have listened to someone older and wiser and never moved in in the first place (you know who you are..Diddy...). But the never should have's and wish we hadn'ts are too late, and it's time to deal with this, now.
Here's the catch though, I don't want to. And my Husband and I had a long talk last night where he told me, "Well...why do you have to? I'm here too." I am learning that it takes a lot for me to trust people/my husband. I am learning that I don't have to carry these burdens, that I don't have to make sense, that I can be upset, that feelings are ok. Acting on them is not always the best idea, but actually feeling them is.
I spent all morning praying and asking God why and telling Him how unfair this is, and asking, for just a second, to have a break, just for a second. Because, I know they tell you God doesn't give you more than you can handle, but I don't think that's true. I think He throws things at you to say, "Hey hey hey, here I am. Trust me! TRUST ME! I got this..." We can't do things without Him. Compete dependence. Complete trust.
So I decided to stop today. I'm not going to ask God why, I'm not gonna ask him for an explanation. or tell Him how unfairly we're being treated. I'm gonna take all these burdens and I'm just throw them down. Because I can't handle them. I can't handle all these things that have happened to me. I can't handle people implying that my husband and I don't take care of things the way that we were supposed to. I can't handle being an emotional hormonal girl. I can't handle the fact that there are people out there who hurt babies. I can't handle the fact that sometimes, I feel so lost that I just want to give up. I can't handle it.
So hear me loud and clear, I. Am. Not. Going. To.
How about, for one day, even if it's just today, I let God handle it? What if I lay it all down and have a "give it a second" day? What if I surround myself with worship songs and sing and sing and raise my hands in my own kitchen, and choose to worship, despite how I feel? What if I just say, "hey God, I give up, you do it?"
All of this can be summed up in words from this song,
I told you that once I got internet I would be writing more, and today, I just have something that I want to share.
I recently memorized the 23rd Psalm, we all know it, but do we know it? In taking the time to commit this passage to memory I was struck by a few things, and it was awesome, because they were all things that I really needed to hear/read about.
The Lord is my shepherd I shall not want, he makes me lie down in green pastures, he leads me besides still waters, he restores my soul.
First of all, we'll ignore the part where God compares us to sheep...because sheep are, well...dumb and I'm sure that you could have a whole sermon devoted to just that. I want to talk about that "makes me" part...because in the process of moving, I forgot to be still. I forgot to stop and thank the Lord for what he's been doing (and there are a lot of things he's been doing!) and for his provision in everything. He doesn't just give us everything we need, he gives us stuff we don't even know we need, like rest. Every time I feel myself getting to caught up in stuff, I stop to think that he MAKES me lie down in those green pastures, and I should appreciate that.
Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me. Your rod and your staff they comfort me.
And now we're in that valley. We all have them. We've all got burdens, things that happen to us, things that happen to others, things that just...just break our very hearts. But don't forget, we are walking through that valley, not stopping. We have got to keep moving. We just have to. There are so many things that bring me to my knees, that hurt my soul, that make me cry out to God and just ask...Lord, why!? But those things don't have a hold on me, and if you love the Lord, they don't have a hold on you either. And why? Because, God. Is. Good. He just is.
You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies, you anoint my head with oil, my cup overflows. Surely goodness and mercy will follow me all the days of my life and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever.
So here we have the best part. Those enemies, the ones who hurt you, who hurt people you love, who have done unspeakable things, they will watch you eat a table prepared by the Lord and Creator of the Universe! Seriously, I dwell on this a lot, I have to. Because we are not the judge, and we don't get to decide what happens to people, only God does, and I'll be honest, that's hard for me. So when I read this passage, I have to read this with passion. And when you put this into practice, your cup? It will overflow. And I love that. You would think that after that, it can't get better, oh, but it can.
Because then the Bible tells us that we get to dwell in the house of the Lord, forever. Forever forever, real forever. Not just for a little bit of time, but all time.
I don't know about y'all, but this passage of scripture is one I used to take for granted, but not anymore. And I take comfort in that, as should you.
