No Fear In Love

It's a late night. The clock is ticking away the hours of my life, but I'm still not sleeping well, so I might as well write when I can't sleep, correct? :)

I don't mind to much. I thought today, I would share my growing up thoughts with you. Because, as much as I wish I could be Peter Pan (like my best friend Rebecca G is going to do) and never have to grow up, we all know the reality hits us with a two by four and no, we cannot stay young children forever.

I feel that in the past few months I have been thrown into Adulthood. More like I'm a squirrel and I got hit by a semi-truck. I bought a car, have paid rent twice, had to fix the car, had to get a new phone, had to take care of many monetary things. Though I know that my God has told me that worrying can't add one day to my life, I still seem to find time to do. I wonder what would happen if every time I started to worry about something, I prayed about it instead (hmmm, I sense an experiment coming up!). I bet things would change. I think things already have changed. Slowly, but surely, I am becoming a Woman, and not just a young Woman any more, but like, a real life one! Who knew!?

This weeks biggest issue was the phone. My Daddy (and yes, he is my Daddy) had to activate the new phones that he got for my mother, himself, and little brother. My old number when to the little brother. I was without a phone for what...a day? The same day that he did this, I bought a cell phone. Well, a cell phone plan, the phone was free. I got all bent out of shape for the ONE day. Which was stupid.

This leads me to the next thing that I would like to share. Every morning my Beloved texts me "Good Morning" add in there some I Love You's, Beautiful's, and My Love's. I think the reason I got so bent up about not having a phone, was because then I wouldn't get that text. Selfish, yes, true, yes.

Do you want to know what my Beloved did for me?

He woke up early, and before work, he stopped at my house, came into my room, gave me a kiss, and in person said, "I love you." Such a simple thing, but you know, out of all the things that I'm thankful for in this ending November month, it would be a man who loves me enough to get up early for me. See, I don't get up early for many people, so when people do that for me, when HE does that for me, I can't even begin to tell you how happy that makes my heart.

He truly loves me.

Oh wait, it gets better. I had work off today, and tomorrow. Tomorrow my mother and I  (that blessed Woman) are going to see to some wedding detail things. Which I'm super excited about (I do like spending time with her). I decided that today would be a good time to do some things at our house, finish up some painting, maybe finishing priming the back room. Well, I get a call from my Beloved telling me he has to go to Urgent Care because his back is spasming and hurts so bad he can't lift things (super not good for someone who works in a warehouse). The doctors gave him some muscle relaxers and pain killers (the real good kind) and sent him home to me. I got to play Nurse Maddie. After a nap, some good drugs, a eating pad, and food, he started to feel slightly better.

Do you want to know what my Beloved did for me?

Even though his back was still hurting him, he helped me hang a few things up that I've been wanting to put up for weeks. He took time to ask me where I wanted things, what I wanted up, how I wanted it hung. I love hanging and putting things on the walls, but actually doing it is hard for me. He knows that. He knows I would need his help. He helped me.

I have the honor and privilege of helping and serving and ministering to this man for the rest of my life. When I think of all the ways I've had to grow up these past few months, I realize that I am not scared of it at all. Not one bit, because so long as my Beloved is there, so long as he tells me good morning, so long as he challenges me in my faith, I am not scared.

Makes me think of 1 John 4:18

"There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear." 

So I am not Peter Pan, nor do I want to be him, because if I were, I would never have the honor to be marrying this wonderful amazing man of God. 

And that is what I wanted to share. :)

Laying on the floor, playing
with MY new phone. :) 

Hanging things up for me even
when he hurts. :)

The tree we stole from my parents to
make the house more festive!

Dates

My Beloved and I are setting a very bad trend for ourselves. Are you ready to hear what it is?

We don't go on dates as much. 

Now you would think that this isn't so much of bad thing, we save more money, we get more done, we don't drive as much. Those are all good and valid things. But I worry, because one day, we might have five kids (Lord Willing!) and not always be able to go out on dates. So if we don't make time for it NOW, how will we THEN?

We are both very content to stay at home, in our grungy clothes, watching movies, or reading books, even playing video games. Sometimes, he plays and I craft, or do dishes, or read or write. We don't go out NEARLY as much as we used to. We have decided, however, that sometimes, it's ok to go out. It doesn't have to be expensive, it doesn't have to be fancy, we just have to go. OUT.

So the other day, we had a date. But it didn't start off as a date. I started by taking down all the books in my room and putting them in boxes.

Seeing an empty bookshelf makes me sad!

I had four boxes of books!

I am preparing myself for the fact that in less than 100 days, we're really really gonna get married. I decided that one way to make that real, was to take all my books up to our house. See, my books are my friends, and to let them live with my Beloved, well, its an act of great trust. And he knows this. So he came to help me move my books. We got to the house, unloaded, and got real tired! So we took a nap, and woke up all sorts of groggy. From there, after lazing about for a while, we decided, you know what, we need to get outta the house, and go on a date. So we did.

Our big night out!

My Beloved.

Me...

And yes Ladies and Gentlemen, yes. We went to McDonald's and ate Chicken Nuggets and Hamburgers and fries. And it was a glorious and adorable date. He (more often than not, right now) looks nicer than I do. We have a joke where I say, "You look all nice and fancy, and I look like...me." To which he replies "I like how you look." 

And you know what? I believe him.

We are learning that Dates mean making each other feel special, that going out to eat shouldn't be an every week type of thing, but an every now and again. That it's really taking time to be, physically and mentally, there with each other that makes all the difference.

Today, we went and ran a few errands in our town, and then you know what happened?

We went to the Library. And if I could have, I would have taken pictures of the cute couple, noses in books, arms link, her head on his shoulder, in complete silence at a work table. Because we love books, and I like our Library dates the best. I wander the shelves, and get lost in trying to find something that catches, and sometimes, at the end of the aisle, he pokes his head around the corner, and smiles at me, just to know I'm still there. 

Being with my Beloved, is never time wasted. 

Unconventional, Filled With Love

My Holiday was nothing but non-conventional. I'm sure that everyone had a grand time, out there eating turkey and stuffing and mashed potatoes. Do you want to know what I did?

I spent the day with the man I'm going to marry. We went to his mother's house and had brunch with his mom, little sisters, and younger brother. We made omelettes, well, he made omelettes for us. We cooked and made an apple pie (it was my one request) and then we talked and laughed and shared a cup of coffee. We tried to play Go Fish, and had a skype date with someone we ALL love very much, who couldn't be here with us for this Day. It is amazing to me, the way that technology can bring us together.

We cut up deer ribs from a cooler, with a saw. I helped to wash them, it was pretty awesome, won't lie. We packed up, and we went to our house. We cooked more food there, and played a Biblical Version of Clue (which I found out I'm very not good at).

Sorry if this is to gross,
I thought it was pretty awesome!

Never once did we sit down to dinner. Never once did I feel pressured. Never once did I say out loud what I was thankful for, they all knew. We all enjoyed one another's company, and laughed at my fiance when he tried to open a bag of chocolate chips and they burst all over the floor. I cooked with the woman who raised the man I'm going to marry. She taught me, and brought up a butt ton of food for Blair (because I don't think he knows that he has to go grocery shopping to have food...)

Blair with his bag of food! 

It was nice to have people at my house, and even though I didn't have a "traditional" Thanksgiving, I'm gonna go ahead and say that it was up there on the Top 10 list. I missed my older brothers, their wives, and their children, but I'm learning that I'm part of a new family, and as much as I missed them, I wouldn't trade the memories I made yesterday. Not at all.:)

The great Chocolate Chip drop of 2012!

Very much a reflection of what I used to do...

This one is ALWAYS hungry.

Three people can fit in my kitchen!
Praise the Lord!

Games later that night.
A new one! My family would LOVE this!

Perceivable Merchandise or Something I Love?

What a day! I always feel like when it gets down to it, sitting down to write an entry here, is way to crazy to ACTUALLY happen. I'm trying to be better about organizing my thoughts into words, maybe it'll be ok, maybe it won't. Maybe you'll understand, but maybe you won't. I like to document my life anyway though. So even if you don't understand, you can see pictures that I've taken here and there of a few things!

Speaking of pictures and photography, I feel I should update you all on that aspect of my little life.
I love to take pictures. Once I discovered that cameras could not only capture moments in time, but people's spirits, I began to fall in love with photography. It's more than just a picture, and none of it is about ME. I like to see the smile in people's eyes, the look on their faces, the way they look at one another. Essentially, I like the idea of seeing the Art that the Lord has created, and capturing just a slight glimmer of that in my photo lens. Two years above, I took a big step, bought a Canon XS Rebel, and have been going to town ever since. I've taken pictures where I work, of my family, of couples, done a few weddings, and engagements  baby portraits, maternity shoots, and throw in a few nature expeditions  Anything and everything that shows this world what God looks like in every day life, that's what I love to take pictures of. I've even gotten to take pictures of two dear friends, brave enough to let me shoot their births. Not only do they let me do that, but they call me back, and ask me to take MORE pictures of their babies and children.

A friend feeding one child, reading to the other.

A sweet moment of a detail long to be remembered.

Those are two fine example of the work and life that I like to capture. Families at their finest, moms who are not afraid to feed and love their children. These are the type of things I like to take pictures of. 

Lately, I've been asked and noted for the work that I do. At the gentle nudge of that man I love so much (he seems to come up a lot on this blog!) I have been encouraged to go into business. I think that this might be something I might possibly pretend to do, maybe, one day. I thought about this especially after reading Proverbs 31. As I prepare to, you know, I don't know, be a wife, I've been searching the Bible to practical ways to do such a crazy thing! Obviously I turned to Proverbs 31 (we all do!), the "Wife Of A Noble Character" because, who can find that, according to verse ten in that stanza?! Well, I'd like to hope that my man has found that in me (Lord Willing!). But verse 18 struck me one day after this "opening my own business" started. It says, 

"She perceives that her merchandise is profitable"

When I read that, I thought, well, what do I do or have that could be profitable to my future household? Oh! Pictures! Duh! You would have thought that would be a no brainer. But you know, it's not. It throws me for a loop to think that one day, I could charge people to do what I love. That they are allowing me the privilege of taking pictures for them, and then paying me for it, boggles my little female brain. I am slowly coming to terms with the fact that this might be something that I could do. 

The Lord is good, and He has promised good things to me when I follow Him closely, which I'm trying every day to do. This has been something that is in the making for a long time, and I'll keep you crazy kids updated on those days when I do go out to take pictures for others. For now, here are few shots from maternity sessions that I've done for friends that warm my heart. Enjoy, and I can't wait to tell you what the Lord does this with talent and passion He's placed in me. 

From a great friend and her husbands
shoot while she was pregnant with their son!
Seen above nursing away! 

From a couple expecting their third child!

I was there at this little guys birth!

Little Sisters, Engine Lights, And Trust

There is so much I would like to share! I'm trying to pin point ONE thing, but you know, I just can't do it! 

Let's start with Friday.
On Friday, not only did I get to spend most of the day with my intended, but I got to spend a lot of it with his siblings, whom I happen to love. I brought over Diego the Durango, and my intended's 9 year old sister helped me to clean him out. We vacuumed, organized, washed windows, and wiped down seats and steering wheels. Honestly, it was a lot of fun. She's a great little kid, and having the responsibility of being her big sister is a little daunting sometimes. Which is almost silly, because I have two little sisters of my own. But these are someone else's daughters, and while I know how my parents raised me and my sisters, I have to learn someone else's rules. I want to show her, and Blair's other sister, what it means to be a Woman of Christ. I want to be a good example to them, as well as be a good example to my own little sisters, still.

Anyway, while we cleaned, I snapped a few pictures, here are two good ones! She stole my scarf and was wearing it while we cleaned, and then when we went to clean the wind shield, she climbed right up on top of that silly car! No fear at all from her little heart!

My little helper!

She has such a givers heart, it's beautiful to see.

Now, there is more to the story of Friday, (we haven't even made it through half the things I want to tell you!). I've been dealing a lot with trust and worry and wisdom lately. Because the Lord tells me that I shouldn't worry, in James and Matthew, we are told, explicitly that the Father in Heaven will care for us. The Bible, in Proverbs, also tells us that we should be wise and seek counsel in the choices that we make. So here's my issue, when does wisdom become worry? When does trust become flippant? When do we end, and God's provision and blessing on our choices begin? I think about these things. As you all know, we bought a car not long ago, and since then, we've had some issues with it (like, not passing inspection). After spending some time cleaning out the car with my wonderful almost little sister, I got in the car to leave, and the check engine light came on.

It can mean nothing, it can mean everything. But it seems that this ALWAYS happens to me. It upsets me. So I went to my house that I'll live in when married, and cried on the floor. I wanted to call one of my best friends, but we've had to take a step back, so I couldn't. It is hard for me, to let things go. Especially people that I truly love. I cant give them time and space, but in the end, I still love them, always. I don't love in little ways. When my beautiful and wonderful intended came to the house, I held it together for only a few minutes for breaking down in sobs. He's a good man. He may not know what to do, but he knows that telling me "it's all gonna be ok" when I'm like that, usually just pisses me off. He has this habit of helping me to remember that we are to have Faith like little Children, that God told Abraham to pack up and go, blindly, and we are to have that same type of faith.

I'm working on that one.

It's late friends, and though there is more to tell you, perhaps I'll wait until tomorrow. I have to go put purple goo on my face and watch it harder so that my skin looks like when I get married in 98 days. :)

Butterflies

Hmmm, hello there to anyone who might happen to read this. I've had a lot of coffee today, and feel jittery, and powerful, like I could accomplish ANYTHING. Sometimes, it's a good thing, sometimes, I get ahead of myself, and as much as I think I'll get things done, I end up too spastic to DO anything.

I'm working on this, I promise. ;)

My wedding planning is coming along nicely, although, I suggest to anyone out there to elope. Everyone told me to do that, but I didn't listen. I usually don't. I like to do things my own way, stubborn puts it lightly. Today I bought the rest of the flowers that I needed for my corsages, and I bought a butterfly to go in my hair.

See, Blair (my future husband) loves butterflies, and so do I. If you've never heard the song "You Had me At Hello" by A Day To Remember, go listen, it's a beautiful song. And in it there is a line that says "You gave me butterflies at the mailbox, and you had me at hello". We love that song, and while I was gone from him this summer, he sent me a butterfly that he found, literally a butterfly in the mailbox. It was romantic and sweet and weird, which is very much our style. 

I like to share these sweet moments that we have. Because I like to be able to look back and remember all this, for the tough times. I don't ever want to forget how sweet and precious and wonderful Blair makes me feel. And if I write about it, I never forget. 

I have to burn off some  this energy, so I'm going to clean my room, something that we all know needs to be done more than I do it. And then, I think, I'll hit the gym, because going there makes me feel good about myself, and as we all know, that never gets old. 

Love Is A Verb

I'm getting married in Three Months. THREE. MONTHS. 

For all intents and purposes, it's not that long until I get to change my name, wear my pretty dress, and party with friends and family who love me very very very much. I'm very excited, and very nervous. There is so much to plan! I get overwhelmed at times, when I really stop to think about it. I am convinced that I wouldn't be able to pull this off without the help of the most amazing talented beautiful woman that I have ever known; my mother.

While I've been trying to spend time with my fiancee, and prepare our very beautiful house for us to live in, she has been working on table decorations, flowers, and all the details that I don't even remember that I don't know even know! She's amazing!

Without her help, I wouldn't have sent out our wedding invitations, wouldn't have found my bridesmaids dresses, wouldn't have had my dress shipped from Tennessee (remind me to tell that story sometime, it's a GOOD one!), and I wouldn't have thought about the fact that I need special wedding underwear so that I look EVEN MORE amazing on my wedding day. She thinks about these things, I'm so in love with Blair that I normally don't...go figure right?

Today, we are going to get the rest of our fake flowers (let's face it, real flowers are way to much to buy, and we can make fake pretty ones all by ourselves!) and I get to spend the day with my Mommy. Because she's still that, she's still my Mommy.

I hope I can be like her one day. Have you ever read Proverbs 31? You should. Go, right now, and read what it means to be a Godly Wife, and then, apply that to my Mommy. She knows how to rise before dawn (I don't know that one yet), she knows the stores and wares of her household (I don't even know where to begin to shop for groceries!), and her husband calls her blessed (maybe I'll get there ONE day!).

I guess I just realized how much my Momma does for me so that my wedding goes smoothly and beautifully. And I am excited that she does, and I am blessed to have a Momma who helps me with all this mess, Lord knows I couldn't do it on my own! She loves me. And she shows me she loves me in her actions, because after all  Love?

It's a Verb.

This is what my mother has been doing!

Consider this a sneak peak at my wedding details!

Diego the Durango

I pray every day. I pray differently from most people, every day. See, I feel like when I pray out loud, in just talking, I don't really communicate enough with the Lord. So I write out my prayers. I like to journal and write, it's a hobby, and it helps me think and it helps me organize my thoughts. Today, I was praying for Trust.

I don't feel that I trust the Lord enough. I don't think that I listen to Him fully, that when others look at me they say, "Maddie, oh yes, she trusts the Lord." It's hard for me. I worry and I think, and my "I'm just being wise" becomes "I'm shattered by fear, and can't move at all."

So today, the Lord taught me about Trust.

He said, Go Buy This Car.

Seriously, here's what happened. My loving and adorable Fiancee texted me this morning that there was was a Durango at the bottom our mountain, at the end of our road. I should look at Durango's online and see if I even liked them. I did. I thought it might be to big an SUV for me. I passed this car on my way to work, and thought nothing more of it, until said adorable fiancee texted me again that the price was right and could I come take it for a drive/look into it more? Well, I was freaked the crap out, but went, I did.

And I ended up buying a car today.

A little background for why this was a lesson in trust...in list form!

• I've been looking into getting a new car for some time now...as in months...
• I ALWAYS get worked up over the car thing. I never felt like it was right.
• I really wanted to impress my father with my knowledge and choice of vehicle. 
• I never thought it would happen.
• Really what it comes down to was, does God REALLY care about me needing a new car.

In Matthew Jesus tells us that he cares for the birds in the air, the lilies in the valley, and we are MUCH more important to him than those things. He says, "Why should you care about what you wear or eat? Does not your Heavenly Father provide clothes for you? Does He not provide food for you?" (paraphrased people, Matthew chapter six, go read for yourself!) While re-reading this for the seven thousandth time, I inserted "Doesn't God know you need a car, hmmm Madalynn?" 

So trusting my heavenly Father, and trusting my earthly Father, and my wonderful future husband, I decided to buy this car. 

It runs, it's old, and has a lot of miles, but it is mine. And I am thankful. And I know my Lord...He cares, even about a girl who needs a car.

This is my Crazy Face.