So here's the dealio, this week, kinda really just sucked. It's the truth. I won't deny it, really don't think that I could. If you know me, talk to me, read my Facebook, you would know this. It's really simple to know.
Know who else knows I had a lousy week?
My husband.
Sunday afternoon, I cried.
Monday night, I cried.
Get the picture?
Some of it was about stupid stuff, some of it was about stuff that really hurt my heart. A lot it was for other people. He dealt with it beautiful. He held me, comforted me, told me he was here, and let me be completely and totally insane in every possibly way.
So far this week my husband has done the dishes multiple times, folded laundry for me, moved crap loads of stuff to out small storage space, made our bed most mornings, and today, he truly went above and beyond.
My husband showed up at work and gave me these daisy's. And not just Walmart flowers, they were from a real florists. He brought them to my work and made me blush, and made me smile. He then proceeded to kiss me and tell me that he was making me dinner tonight.
He made me bacon wrapped asparagus, and garlic baked chicken and salad and it was wonderful. Bacon wrapped anything is always good. Asparagus is always good. This was a win win situation people. And it was good. It was so incredibly good.
After that and our movie, which was Hook, one of the best movies to ever exist in the world, we went out to Bloop, a frozen yogurt place.
My husband knows me. And he knows me well. I feel pampered and precious and gorgeous and wonderful, and I just feel like I can make it through this next week.
And I just wanted to write this. To remember all the good things in this world. To remember that my Husband loves me and sees me and wants to make things better.
When I get angry, it's hard for me to sleep. Unfortunately, the same goes for my beloved Husband, which is why both of us were up until two in the morning last night, and no, it's not because we're newly weds, it's because we were so very angry.
There is a lot of injustice in this world. And I can't think about it to much because it keeps me awake at night. It haunts me. It hurts my heart. It hurts my heart that people would hurt babies, that mothers loose their infants, that wickedness and pain flow from people just to make others miserable. It hurts my heart when I feel like my Husband and I are doing all we can to be good, righteous God fearing folk, and it feels like we fail time and time again. At least to me it feels like we're failing. This adult thing, I'm not sure that I like it so much. Sometimes, and don't tell the Husband, I think about how much easier it was living in parents basement and running away to camp every summer. I can't do that. Nor would I trade waking up to my Husbands face, or to hear him call "Baby? Where are you, I can't find you" when I've woken up at five in the morning and am sitting at our kitchen table pouring my heart out to the Lord, and just asking, God, why?
See, my Husband, when things like this happen (I'll explain the this in a second...) he just smiles, and says, "This means we're doing something good, this means that Satan has to attack us because he's scared of our testimony!" He gets excited when we are put down, persecuted (because that's what this feels like), and when things that I consider "bad" happen. I think he praises the Lord more than I do in this...and I can't tell you how lovely it is to be around someone with that kind of Faith.
We are dealing with our previous landlords, and without going into to much, basically, we're young and naive and stupid and should have listened to someone older and wiser and never moved in in the first place (you know who you are..Diddy...). But the never should have's and wish we hadn'ts are too late, and it's time to deal with this, now.
Here's the catch though, I don't want to. And my Husband and I had a long talk last night where he told me, "Well...why do you have to? I'm here too." I am learning that it takes a lot for me to trust people/my husband. I am learning that I don't have to carry these burdens, that I don't have to make sense, that I can be upset, that feelings are ok. Acting on them is not always the best idea, but actually feeling them is.
I spent all morning praying and asking God why and telling Him how unfair this is, and asking, for just a second, to have a break, just for a second. Because, I know they tell you God doesn't give you more than you can handle, but I don't think that's true. I think He throws things at you to say, "Hey hey hey, here I am. Trust me! TRUST ME! I got this..." We can't do things without Him. Compete dependence. Complete trust.
So I decided to stop today. I'm not going to ask God why, I'm not gonna ask him for an explanation. or tell Him how unfairly we're being treated. I'm gonna take all these burdens and I'm just throw them down. Because I can't handle them. I can't handle all these things that have happened to me. I can't handle people implying that my husband and I don't take care of things the way that we were supposed to. I can't handle being an emotional hormonal girl. I can't handle the fact that there are people out there who hurt babies. I can't handle the fact that sometimes, I feel so lost that I just want to give up. I can't handle it.
So hear me loud and clear, I. Am. Not. Going. To.
How about, for one day, even if it's just today, I let God handle it? What if I lay it all down and have a "give it a second" day? What if I surround myself with worship songs and sing and sing and raise my hands in my own kitchen, and choose to worship, despite how I feel? What if I just say, "hey God, I give up, you do it?"
All of this can be summed up in words from this song,
I told you that once I got internet I would be writing more, and today, I just have something that I want to share.
I recently memorized the 23rd Psalm, we all know it, but do we know it? In taking the time to commit this passage to memory I was struck by a few things, and it was awesome, because they were all things that I really needed to hear/read about.
The Lord is my shepherd I shall not want, he makes me lie down in green pastures, he leads me besides still waters, he restores my soul.
First of all, we'll ignore the part where God compares us to sheep...because sheep are, well...dumb and I'm sure that you could have a whole sermon devoted to just that. I want to talk about that "makes me" part...because in the process of moving, I forgot to be still. I forgot to stop and thank the Lord for what he's been doing (and there are a lot of things he's been doing!) and for his provision in everything. He doesn't just give us everything we need, he gives us stuff we don't even know we need, like rest. Every time I feel myself getting to caught up in stuff, I stop to think that he MAKES me lie down in those green pastures, and I should appreciate that.
Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me. Your rod and your staff they comfort me.
And now we're in that valley. We all have them. We've all got burdens, things that happen to us, things that happen to others, things that just...just break our very hearts. But don't forget, we are walking through that valley, not stopping. We have got to keep moving. We just have to. There are so many things that bring me to my knees, that hurt my soul, that make me cry out to God and just ask...Lord, why!? But those things don't have a hold on me, and if you love the Lord, they don't have a hold on you either. And why? Because, God. Is. Good. He just is.
You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies, you anoint my head with oil, my cup overflows. Surely goodness and mercy will follow me all the days of my life and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever.
So here we have the best part. Those enemies, the ones who hurt you, who hurt people you love, who have done unspeakable things, they will watch you eat a table prepared by the Lord and Creator of the Universe! Seriously, I dwell on this a lot, I have to. Because we are not the judge, and we don't get to decide what happens to people, only God does, and I'll be honest, that's hard for me. So when I read this passage, I have to read this with passion. And when you put this into practice, your cup? It will overflow. And I love that. You would think that after that, it can't get better, oh, but it can.
Because then the Bible tells us that we get to dwell in the house of the Lord, forever. Forever forever, real forever. Not just for a little bit of time, but all time.
I don't know about y'all, but this passage of scripture is one I used to take for granted, but not anymore. And I take comfort in that, as should you.
We are set up in the new apartment! I had this idea in my head that I was going to post all these cute pictures with the post about the new apartment, but...I'm too tired to care. My camera with said cute pictures is in my car, and the thought of walking towards that car, outside none the less, makes me want to just kinda...get into the fetal position and stay there. :)
It's been a crazy few weeks. We've done a lot and had a lot of help...here! A list! Those always help me!
I am blessed with not ONE but TWO momma's that were Military wives. Know what that means? Moving, is no big deal to them. They just know what they are doing. I have never seen a house moved so quickly. It was intense. It was awesome.
I am also blessed with a Daddy who has a very big truck. (That said truck was bought before a shower in the basement where I used to live doesn't bother me at all...really...there was a lot of sarcasm there...) (In the end though...) I'm glad he has that truck, because we moved all of our junk in pretty much two days. Don't tell me that's not amazing. Because it is.
Our apartment is tiny, and we have kids above us, and a construction site right next to our bedroom, and death toilets that flush so loudly I sweat I'm making EVERY one wake up to hear...BUT we love it. We love it so much. And you know, I can see us being here for a while, it's cozy, and we like cozy.
Moving makes me crazy. Not sleeping well makes me crazy. God bless my amazing Husband who lets me be crazy. Seriously though, in the past two months, we've gone through some things that have really tested and strengthened our relationship.
I have neighbors! People that I like! Twice now I've walked to a friend from my churches house, not to mention she is the mother of my God son, not to mention she has a sweet washer and dryer and I never have to use my buildings laundromat to do my laundry! God has blessed me indeed, and I've gotten to spend so much time with my Rayden. When I clap my hands and say "Yay" he claps his hands and smiles. He knows me. :)))
On a more serious note, Rayden's Grandmother, my boss/mentor/person I look up to, has been diagnosed with Breast Cancer. That's been a little intense. I won't say to much, because it's a close family thing, but hey, they keep telling me I'm family, and let me tell you, this woman...is amazing. I have this bad awesome habit of loving people, FIERCELY and when they hurt, I hurt. I come home super tired at the end of the day, because I wish, with everything in me, that I could take this hurt for her. As it is, I can only lift her up to the Lord and Healer, and ask others to do the same. So if you read this, say a prayer, she needs all the prayers she can get (as do most of us!).
I wish I was being more diligent about posting photos, because I've done a couple shoots here recently (one of some siblings, it was awesome!) and I would love to share and write! It's taken us a while to get our internets hooked up, but now that we do, hopefully I'll be back to writing and sharing and posting. Who knows what will happen?! Only the Lord, and you know what, I'm happy about that. :)
Here is what I have learned in the past twenty fourish hours:
I am way to sassy to be an adult. Seriously, I can't stand it. I can't stand the fact that other people get to act like five year olds and I have to be 30 instead of 22. It angers and frustrates me. I don't like it.
Listening to those who are older and wiser does not make you stupid, it makes you smart. Really really smart. Sometimes, older people, they just know way more than you do, and you should accept it.
Asking for help is a beautiful thing. I'm finding more and more people are willing to step in and help in ways that I never imagined. I am overwhelmed.
People believe me. People know me and call me and ask me things and they want to talk. I thought...I thought I had a burden to big to bare...I thought that no one would believe me, I didn't think I wouldn't be able to talk to people about something very near and dear to my heart. Which was hard for me. Because I like to talk and I need to talk about things, so not talking was a huge problem for me, I didn't like it.
I have learned that help also comes in packages that you didn't expect. Like hugeish teenage boys who come to your house spackle walls, pack things up, and eat the four pizzas that you make in three point five seconds.
I am tired now. Life is slowly getting better. And we're moving soon. When there is more to tell, I'll tell you more. :)
It's been a while, it feels like it's been a while. To say that there has been a lot going on, is an understatement, and to be honest, I don't feel like writing. I want to crawl into my bed and stay there for week, but oh wait, I'm hopefully moving in like, two weeks, hopefully, so that's out...more on that later.
I'm hoping that in writing tonight, I can stop feeling so glum and gloomy and snuggle my husband and drift off to sleep. My mind is running about a million miles an hour and it won't stop. Some things happened to me, things I was not expecting, and to be honest, for once, I'm not up for sharing. If you know me, you know that normally I get over things and am able to share, this...this I am not. Just know that something very close to me was lost, and I'm still reeling and trying to understand it. I haven't even talked to my mom about it yet...I'm working up to that one.
The husband and I are fine, so there are no worries there. We are, in fact, preparing to move. We found this tiny little two bedroom apartment like twenty minutes away, and I gotta tell ya, we love it. Absolutely love it. I love how close it is, how quaint and cute and darling it is. I love the walk through closet and tiny kitchen. I look forward to making messes there.
However, it sucks having to take down all my pictures and paintings and see bare walls again. I was looking forward to settling in here for a while.
Usually I would take a moment to say "But God has other plans..." but, to be honest, right now, in this moment, I don't like His plan. I don't like His plan for a lot of things. And I'm honestly having a hard time loving a certain set of people right now. I feel like one big ball of struggle. Struggle against my own human nature, struggle against other people and their attitudes, struggle against biology, struggle against fluctuating hormones and feeling like I can't control my own feelings, struggle against the very God I love. I don't want to do anything. Except maybe watch every season of Lost, stay in pj's, grow fuzzy legs, and never leave my bed.
However, this is not possible. I'll settle for crying a whole bunch and trying not to look like someone peed in my wheatie's. I can be pretty good at pretending like everything is all hunky dory, and I'm trying not to do that, while at the same time I'm trying not to deny my feelings. I just think there is a time and place to break down, and for me, that place is no where.
So dear friends, right now, I'm on the Struggle Bus. If you don't know what that is, don't ask, you probably don't want to know.
And I promise you that when I get off, I'll write a new post, hopefully the next one won't sound so pitiful and stupid.
