Struggle Bus

It's been a while, it feels like it's been a while. To say that there has been a lot going on, is an understatement, and to be honest, I don't feel like writing. I want to crawl into my bed and stay there for week, but oh wait, I'm hopefully moving in like, two weeks, hopefully, so that's out...more on that later.

I'm hoping that in writing tonight, I can stop feeling so glum and gloomy and snuggle my husband and drift off to sleep. My mind is running about a million miles an hour and it won't stop. Some things happened to me, things I was not expecting, and to be honest, for once, I'm not up for sharing. If you know me, you know that normally I get over things and am able to share, this...this I am not. Just know that something very close to me was lost, and I'm still reeling and trying to understand it. I haven't even talked to my mom about it yet...I'm working up to that one.

The husband and I are fine, so there are no worries there. We are, in fact, preparing to move. We found this tiny little two bedroom apartment like twenty minutes away, and I gotta tell ya, we love it. Absolutely love it. I love how close it is, how quaint and cute and darling it is. I love the walk through closet and tiny kitchen. I look forward to making messes there.

However, it sucks having to take down all my pictures and paintings and see bare walls again. I was looking forward to settling in here for a while.

Usually I would take a moment to say "But God has other plans..." but, to be honest, right now, in this moment, I don't like His plan. I don't like His plan for a lot of things. And I'm honestly having a hard time loving a certain set of people right now. I feel like one big ball of struggle. Struggle against my own human nature, struggle against other people and their attitudes, struggle against biology, struggle against fluctuating hormones and feeling like I can't control my own feelings, struggle against the very God I love. I don't want to do anything. Except maybe watch every season of Lost, stay in pj's, grow fuzzy legs, and never leave my bed.

However, this is not possible. I'll settle for crying a whole bunch and trying not to look like someone peed in my wheatie's. I can be pretty good at pretending like everything is all hunky dory, and I'm trying not to do that, while at the same time I'm trying not to deny my feelings. I just think there is a time and place to break down, and for me, that place is no where.

So dear friends, right now, I'm on the Struggle Bus. If you don't know what that is, don't ask, you probably don't want to know.

And I promise you that when I get off, I'll write a new post, hopefully the next one won't sound so pitiful and stupid.

Shmer.