I Know Who You Are

When I get angry, it's hard for me to sleep. Unfortunately, the same goes for my beloved Husband, which is why both of us were up until two in the morning last night, and no, it's not because we're newly weds, it's because we were so very angry.

There is a lot of injustice in this world. And I can't think about it to much because it keeps me awake at night. It haunts me. It hurts my heart. It hurts my heart that people would hurt babies, that mothers loose their infants, that wickedness and pain flow from people just to make others miserable. It hurts my heart when I feel like my Husband and I are doing all we can to be good, righteous God fearing folk, and it feels like we fail time and time again. At least to me it feels like we're failing. This adult thing, I'm not sure that I like it so much. Sometimes, and don't tell the Husband, I think about how much easier it was living in parents basement and running away to camp every summer. I can't do that. Nor would I trade waking up to my Husbands face, or to hear him call "Baby? Where are you, I can't find you" when I've woken up at five in the morning and am sitting at our kitchen table pouring my heart out to the Lord, and just asking, God, why?

See, my Husband, when things like this happen (I'll explain the this in a second...) he just smiles, and says, "This means we're doing something good, this means that Satan has to attack us because he's scared of our testimony!" He gets excited when we are put down, persecuted (because that's what this feels like), and when things that I consider "bad" happen. I think he praises the Lord more than I do in this...and I can't tell you how lovely it is to be around someone with that kind of Faith.

We are dealing with our previous landlords, and without going into to much, basically, we're young and naive and stupid and should have listened to someone older and wiser and never moved in in the first place (you know who you are..Diddy...). But the never should have's and wish we hadn'ts are too late, and it's time to deal with this, now.

Here's the catch though, I don't want to. And my Husband and I had a long talk last night where he told me, "Well...why do you have to? I'm here too." I am learning that it takes a lot for me to trust people/my husband. I am learning that I don't have to carry these burdens, that I don't have to make sense, that I can be upset, that feelings are ok. Acting on them is not always the best idea, but actually feeling them is. 

I spent all morning praying and asking God why and telling Him how unfair this is, and asking, for just a second, to have a break, just for a second. Because, I know they tell you God doesn't give you more than you can handle, but I don't think that's true. I think He throws things at you to say, "Hey hey hey, here I am. Trust me! TRUST ME! I got this..." We can't do things without Him. Compete dependence. Complete trust.

So I decided to stop today. I'm not going to ask God why, I'm not gonna ask him for an explanation. or tell Him how unfairly we're being treated. I'm gonna take all these burdens and I'm just throw them down. Because I can't handle them. I can't handle all these things that have happened to me. I can't handle people implying that my husband and I don't take care of things the way that we were supposed to. I can't handle being an emotional hormonal girl. I can't handle the fact that there are people out there who hurt babies. I can't handle the fact that sometimes, I feel so lost that I just want to give up. I can't handle it.

So hear me loud and clear, I. Am. Not. Going. To.

How about, for one day, even if it's just today, I let God handle it? What if I lay it all down and have a "give it a second" day? What if I surround myself with worship songs and sing and sing and raise my hands in my own kitchen, and choose to worship, despite how I feel? What if I just say, "hey God, I give up, you do it?"

All of this can be summed up in words from this song,

I don't know, I don't know what you're doing...

But I know who you are.