One Week Later

It's my birthday tomorrow.
And I'm torn between celebrating the day of my birth, to hiding in my my house because I'm still grieving the loss of my child...

I don't know.
I don't know yet what we'll do.
My Beloved is HOME now, and I have to say, just having him in the house is so good for me. Just having him near me is good for me. I'm glad we live in this little apartment, because I would have been so very lost by myself at that big house in the mountain.
Each day, things get a little better. I don't cry as much as I used to, as much as I did this week.

There are so many other emotions right now though that I've never had to deal with that are just completely throwing me off. For example: other woman with children. Some people, I just can't handle. I don't want to be around them, I don't what to hear them complain, I don't want to care. As I said on my Facebook, this week I've become so incredibly grateful for a family that holds me up, a husband who supports and listens, and for friends who drop everything for me. When I hear ungrateful comments, though they are not personally directed towards me, it kills me. "Love you children," I said, "because at least you have them, some of us don't." And I stand by what I said.

I would give anything to still be exhausted. I would give anything to need naps at three o'clock because my body was working in growing a baby. I would even give anything to have morning sickness, or to have to pee every blessed three minutes. Anything. If you're a mother, hug your kids. Love them, because if you had lost one of them, you would feel the same way.

I'm also just trying to assimilate myself back into life, and I'm finding that to be harder than I thought it would be. Some days I still feel like I can't function. I get a call from my brothers wife everyday, just because she cares and she has to check up on me. I love her for it. I also called my oldest brothers wife who knows this pain. Our conversation went like this, me, "Today just sucks."
She said, "Yeah...yeah it does."
I think that was all I needed to hear from someone.

I'm not looking for answers, I'm not blaming God, what's the point in that? He didn't DO this. We live in a fallen world, a world where babies die in the womb, because yes, yes we are that far from the Lord and what He originally wanted. Makes me wonder if Eve, who was alive so close to Paradise, ever miscarried a baby? I don't know. I certainly hope not.

When my husband came home his biggest concern was that I wouldn't feel beautiful, that I wouldn't feel like he still wanted me. And to tell the truth, he was right. He had to spend some time in the past few hours and days convincing me that he still thinks I'm beautiful. I thought...I thought how could he when my body, this things he loves so much, has done something so ugly? I've been working on that one...he's been a huge help...

Having him home...I feel like I'm really ready to start to heal now. I just needed to hold onto him, to be near him, to hear HIM tell me that this wasn't my fault. Because there is head knowledge and heart knowledge, and sometimes the path between the two gets funky and messed up. There are a lot of things right now that I know, but I don't feel. Sometimes I think that's really what my husband does, he helps me align the two.

And here its time for my birthday. Part of me wants to skip it, the other part of me is ok with people telling me happy birthday, and a strange part of me wants to just hide. It's also Sunday and I didn't go to church last Sunday...not without my husband. I have this theory in my head that when I get there I'll just start crying again...just when I thought that I was done crying to. I can't live like that though, hiding just because bad things happen. Bad things are going to continue happening. There will be other times in our marriage where things kinda just suck a whole lot.

So we are going to church. And we are going to eat pie at a friends house to celebrate my birthday. And I am going to continue to grieve the only way I know how.

I think though, that there is a small part of my heart that will always be reserved for this baby. Because I wanted him or her...so much. And I just don't think something like that will ever go away...

Oceans (Where Feet May Fail)

So I'm just gonna keep writing about stuff, and y'all have to deal with it.
Because I have to deal with it.

Tonight, I'm writing about this song. Stop. Listen to it. And then I'll tell you a story.

So last Thursday night, I started to spot. And it wasn't a big deal, because honestly, that happens to a lot of woman.

Friday morning, I was still spotting, and I was trying not to freak out, but I was assuming the worst.

I was at a conference with a young woman from my church, and I was trying to hide how scared I was at this point. Every morning we had this intense workshop, and we had worship. The worship band was amazing. They truly loved the Lord. I went to the bathroom during that time, and there was still spotting, and in that moment. I knew. I knew what was gonna happen, in my heart and in my head. I did. Believe me or don't believe me, I don't care. But I knew.

I came back out, trying not to cry. And they started to sing this song. And I will never be able to listen to it again without thinking about this week. I stood there in worship and just cried and cried. And I thought, "You know Lord...this was one of those worst case scenario's where I thought, maybe I won't be able to love you if this happens." I'm listening to these lyrics, singing them in my heart because I couldn't with my lips, and in my heart, I knew I would loose this baby, and in that moment I heard that still small voice saying to me, "It's ok. You don't have to. But I'll still be here." And I remember thinking, Lord, do what you have to do to bring me closer to you.

Maybe I'm not gonna feel so strong for a while, people keep telling me that I am. That I can be angry at the injustice of it, that my feelings are ok, and these are all true things. And maybe today was just one of those good days where I didn't cry five times in a row, or I had clear moments when I knew that I will get through this. And maybe tomorrow everything will fall to pieces again and I won't be able to breath and I'll hate everything and I'll cry five million more times. Maybe tomorrow will be bad. But who cares? I don't have time to worry about tomorrow, besides, God's already there.

"Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders, let me walk upon the waters, where ever you may call me. Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander, and my faith will be made stronger in the presence of my Savior."

Just Give Me A Minute

I didn't write for a long time, because I had a secret.

But considering that that secret is gone, I guess it doesn't matter.

I'm writing out of pain, and hurt, and this...place that I've come to.

I was pregnant. I found out June 25. And I was excited. So excited. We talked about names, to a midwife, to my parents, his parents, my family, and finally we told others. Maybe we should have waited.

I lost the baby July 20. I was six and half weeks pregnant.

I can't...

It's a give her a minute time, like my friend Ameh likes to say.
"She's ok."
"Yeah, give her a minute."

"She's crying again."
"Yeah, give her a minute."

"She's angry."
"Yeah, give her a minute."

Just give me a minute.

Because, I'm ok sometimes, and then, I start crying again, and then I can't breath, and then I am so, so, so freaking, angry.

But I don't know what to be angry at, so I get confused.

And please, for the record, don't tell me that God has a plan. Don't tell me He knows, don't tell me that He's holding that little one, just, don't. I already know. I do. And I trust in that. But trusting in those things, does NOT make it hurt less. As a friend said when I told her "if you need me to sit in the ashes and be upset with you, I will."

When Job had everything taken from him, he just sat in the ashes.

And that might be where I am for a while. Because...because that was my baby. And I passed this...tissue...and it was my baby.

So please be patient with me. I'm grieving and while some days I'm ok, most of the time when I get home alone (because of course my husband has to be gone for two weeks while this happens) it's not ok anymore. And there are some things that you can't erase from your memory. And there are times when the hurt is very real and close and sharp.

This to shall pass, but it hasn't yet.

So please, please just...just give me a minute...

How Good It Is!

So it's been a while. Or it feels like it's been a while. I've avoided writing just because I've been to tired to write. So much has been going on, and finding time for it has been harder for me than I thought it would be.

I finally, finally, have something that I really want to write about. I know I know, it's taken me long enough, and I promise you, it's probably not what you're all expecting.

My husband and I have recently had the opportunity to meet and become friend with an amazing couple who have four little girls. Who, as you can tell by the picture, are 3, 2, 1, and 0 (about three months if I'm not mistaken).

We all started a Bible Study that will meet on Sunday nights, and I'll be honest, it was awesome. We ate together, played outside with the girls, and I had the chance to catch some pretty cute pictures.

 Do you know how nice it is to feel encouraged? Do you remember the last time you met people who love some of the same things that you do? Can you tell me the last time you just got to fellowship with other people, who just love the Lord?

When was the last time, you truly felt encouraged?

We ended our night with prayer. And I'll be honest, it took a lot for me not to cry. We learned new things, were given some good food for thought, and we just. Felt encouraged.

At the camp that I used to work at, we had this thing, called the Five Finger Contract and/or the Full value contract. One thing that we always talked about was encouragement. Encouragement to do new things, to help one another during the week, all sorts of things. I've been thinking a lot, every time I see my hand really, how much I need to feel encouraged. I need to feel uplifted and like someone out there has something out there who just has my back. We all need that. 

And for a long time, and you can ask my husband about this, I haven't felt like anyone is backing me up. I've felt a little lost, like I was still searching for someone or something to just make me feel good after I left their house. It was nice, to go be with some one who believes in Midwives, and natural labor. It was nice to talk to a young women who believes in nursing her children and who had four little ones who are so very adorable. We prayed before we ate, and talked bible, and you know what, it was nice. It was truly just nice. 

  

I hope you all feel encouraged by this. I hope you all just feel encouraged in general. Because as much as we Christians need our personal relationship with Christ, we need the Body of Believers. After all, that's why David said in Psalm 133,

Behold, how good and pleasant it is

    when brothers dwell in unity!

2 

It is like the precious oil on the head,

    running down on the beard,

on the beard of Aaron,

    running down on the collar of his robes!

3 

It is like the dew of Hermon,

    which falls on the mountains of Zion!

For there the Lord has commanded the blessing,

    life forevermore.