Just Give Me A Minute

I didn't write for a long time, because I had a secret.

But considering that that secret is gone, I guess it doesn't matter.

I'm writing out of pain, and hurt, and this...place that I've come to.

I was pregnant. I found out June 25. And I was excited. So excited. We talked about names, to a midwife, to my parents, his parents, my family, and finally we told others. Maybe we should have waited.

I lost the baby July 20. I was six and half weeks pregnant.

I can't...

It's a give her a minute time, like my friend Ameh likes to say.
"She's ok."
"Yeah, give her a minute."

"She's crying again."
"Yeah, give her a minute."

"She's angry."
"Yeah, give her a minute."

Just give me a minute.

Because, I'm ok sometimes, and then, I start crying again, and then I can't breath, and then I am so, so, so freaking, angry.

But I don't know what to be angry at, so I get confused.

And please, for the record, don't tell me that God has a plan. Don't tell me He knows, don't tell me that He's holding that little one, just, don't. I already know. I do. And I trust in that. But trusting in those things, does NOT make it hurt less. As a friend said when I told her "if you need me to sit in the ashes and be upset with you, I will."

When Job had everything taken from him, he just sat in the ashes.

And that might be where I am for a while. Because...because that was my baby. And I passed this...tissue...and it was my baby.

So please be patient with me. I'm grieving and while some days I'm ok, most of the time when I get home alone (because of course my husband has to be gone for two weeks while this happens) it's not ok anymore. And there are some things that you can't erase from your memory. And there are times when the hurt is very real and close and sharp.

This to shall pass, but it hasn't yet.

So please, please just...just give me a minute...