Because I have to deal with it.
Tonight, I'm writing about this song. Stop. Listen to it. And then I'll tell you a story.
So last Thursday night, I started to spot. And it wasn't a big deal, because honestly, that happens to a lot of woman.
Friday morning, I was still spotting, and I was trying not to freak out, but I was assuming the worst.
I was at a conference with a young woman from my church, and I was trying to hide how scared I was at this point. Every morning we had this intense workshop, and we had worship. The worship band was amazing. They truly loved the Lord. I went to the bathroom during that time, and there was still spotting, and in that moment. I knew. I knew what was gonna happen, in my heart and in my head. I did. Believe me or don't believe me, I don't care. But I knew.
I came back out, trying not to cry. And they started to sing this song. And I will never be able to listen to it again without thinking about this week. I stood there in worship and just cried and cried. And I thought, "You know Lord...this was one of those worst case scenario's where I thought, maybe I won't be able to love you if this happens." I'm listening to these lyrics, singing them in my heart because I couldn't with my lips, and in my heart, I knew I would loose this baby, and in that moment I heard that still small voice saying to me, "It's ok. You don't have to. But I'll still be here." And I remember thinking, Lord, do what you have to do to bring me closer to you.
Maybe I'm not gonna feel so strong for a while, people keep telling me that I am. That I can be angry at the injustice of it, that my feelings are ok, and these are all true things. And maybe today was just one of those good days where I didn't cry five times in a row, or I had clear moments when I knew that I will get through this. And maybe tomorrow everything will fall to pieces again and I won't be able to breath and I'll hate everything and I'll cry five million more times. Maybe tomorrow will be bad. But who cares? I don't have time to worry about tomorrow, besides, God's already there.
"Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders, let me walk upon the waters, where ever you may call me. Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander, and my faith will be made stronger in the presence of my Savior."
No comments:
Post a Comment