God is Bigger than the Boogie Man...

Tonight was one of those nights.

You know, where the kid doesn't want to sleep and you got a lot done but now you are tired and you know the kid is tired and gosh darn it if only that silly kid would go to sleep...

So you get a warm bottle and then you do the unthinkable. You turn on a show. You search through for a show that you would actually want your kid to watch.

Said kid is 14 months old. Shows help, but don't hold too much attention. (Ok fine, the show is for you, but whatever.)

Tonight we turned on a good old Veggie Tales.

As Junior watched a show he probably shouldn't be watching and Bob and Larry came to his room to sing to him...the words to the song that I've known and heard so many times resonated with me.

God is bigger than the Boogie Man.

God is bigger than the monsters on TV.

When I was little and scared I would go crawl into bed with my Daddy. Always my Daddy. I rarely remember crawling into bed next to my Mom. I would crawl up next to him (maybe crying) and he would wrap his arms around me and I would feel safe. Everything bad would be chased away, just because my Daddy wrapped his arms around. Because he was bigger than anything bad.

Now I'm older. Now I have a kid and another one cooking. Now my husband works later in the evenings and I go to bed with him.

Now my Boogie Monsters have taken on new names, adult names, names like Doubt and Failure and Fear and Debt and Money. Now my fears extend to realizing that if anyone came in this house unwanted, I would die before I let anyone hurt my daughter. Now my fears extend to another human being. Three really.

My boogie monsters are dreams that wake me in the night, scared that I won't carry to term, Scared that this labor won't go as well, scared that I will mess up whatever plans God has for this new baby and for my daughter.

They are giants that stand in front of my eyes. Remind me of the times I lose patience, of the times when I fail my friends, of the times when I didn't do good enough. These are the monsters of adulthood.

Tonight as I rocked my girl and prayed she would fall asleep and listened to vegetables sing about not being afraid, my heart was encouraged.

God is so much bigger than those things. He is so much bigger than Fears and Doubts and Hurts and Failures. He is bigger. And like the tomato said "He's watching out for you and me." Such simple truths told to children, to remind them.

I am a child. I am His child. Sometimes I need silly songs to remind me of things that are true.

I needed this reminder. That God is bigger than the boogie man, that He is bigger than MY boogie men.

So I thought maybe someone else needed to be reminded too.

Maybe you need to know that God is Bigger. So so so much bigger.

And like Junior said, "He's on my team!"

Where I Am

More and more recently as I start to focus on relationships and people, I have come to see that my life is getting...simpler.

We all lead complex lives. We have things we MUST do and places we MUST go and things that MUST be accomplished. To be functioning adults this is true. It is true that we need to work to feed our family, to take care of what God has given us.

I can't help but wonder though...am I giving up the best things in pursuit of the good?

Sometimes, I leave dishes in the sink at night. Sometimes, it is better for me to take a nap with my girl and not fold laundry. Sometimes, she hides things and they go missing under the couch for months. Sometimes, well, always, her toys are scattered about...taking what would otherwise be a clean space and transforming it into a somewhat messier lived in space.

It is good to clean your house. It is good to make it functioning. It is good to not have ants in your kitchen. And yet...and yet...

I don't want to be so consumed with making my house picture perfect that I don't stop to dance with Ellie while she dances. I don't want to be so intent on folding laundry that I don't put her on our (unmade) bed to throw her around and hear her sweet sweet giggles. Those things are the best. Those things will be treasured in my heart. The good things can be put on hold for a moment to stop and savor the best things...

I have been making an effort to be more Intentional. Intentional about the time I spend with God, the time I spend with my husband, the time I spend with Ellie, the time I spend with my physical and spiritual family. When a person is laid on my heart, I let them know. When I feel the need to STOP and pray for someone, I do. When Blair is gone now at nights, instead of watching a show, or reading a book I clean things up or I read my Bible.

I am finding that life has become simpler.

I feel at Peace. I feel Joy. I am able to empathize more with those who are hurting. I am able to spend more time with Blair. I am finding my cup is filled, and with it filled I am able to pour it our freely to others.

I am not perfect. I make mistakes. Loads of them. But I am learning. I am trusting. I am being filled day in and day out with the Holy Spirit which is helping me through another rough pregnancy.

I still throw up a lot. I still have a hard time keeping food down a lot of days. Someone today asked me "Well why do it then? Why not get your tubes tied?" Because in this case, I am not a selfish person. Mothers are incredibly selfless...we give and we give and we cry out to God because there are times when we feel there is nothing left to offer. I keep telling the Lord "Thank you for being stronger in my weakness." I especially tell Him this when I curled around our toilet, asking Him to see me through this, because I KNOW that the end result is so so so worth it. I put aside myself, I die to myself, every. Single. Day. And I simply follow. I simply allow myself to be led and fed and built up by the body of believers. I am humble, and I admit those days that are my worst. "You can do this! You can rock this pregnancy!" someone commented on my Facebook within the last week. Simple words that filled me, so that I could in turn feed and fill others.

The more intentional I become about spending time alone with the Lord and more intentional I get about spending time with my community of believers the more in Love I am falling with my Savior.

And isn't that the point? To fall more and more in Love with the Savior?

And then in turn pour that out to those who don't know that Love?

This is my heart right now. This is where I am.

Where are you?

Words of Life

"In the beginning was the Word, and the was with God and the Word was God."

We were spoken into existence with words. God spoke and therefore, we were, in all our ugly, beautiful, crazy, mundane, human glory.

Words. God used words to give us life.

Words hold so much weight and power. They have the power to heal, to tear down, to build up, to bring people to their knees. I'm reminded of a Dr. Who episode, "I can bring you down with words...Doesn't she look tired?" (For the record, I have no clue if I quoted that right, I'm not the Dr.Who fan, that's the husband.)

We are told as children that sticks and stones can break our bones, but words can never hurt us. What a load of crap. Someones words, carefully placed, can resonate in our heads for weeks and weeks and years and years. They have power. That's why God used to them to speak life into us.

Recently, some words were said about me. By who and about what are not important. What is important is since then, every single day has been a battle. A battle to fight the negative thoughts that crept into my heart. "You are not enough, you are not good, you are not worthwhile, you are worthless, useless, unloved..." Round and round and round.

I have been fighting friends, to remember the Truth. The Words that Jesus would speak into my life. Words about love and hope and encouragement. The gentle reminders that in my weakness, He is stronger. That my worth is from Him and Him alone. It is astounding that the words of one can out weigh the words of ten who do speak these words into my life.

My husband came home and found me in tears, because last night I wasn't feeling good, had gotten sick, and didn't cook him dinner. I was crying because I didn't cook him dinner. I was crying because there are two baskets of clothes that needed to be folded. I was crying because I was spotting yesterday, and was afraid for the baby I carry. I was crying because Ellie was crying and I couldn't vacuum. I was crying because those words had slowly seeped into my heart to make me so insecure that I thought that me not doing those things was going to affect my husbands love for me.

He took me into his arms and reminded me...

He reminded me that I am unfinished and imperfect. He reminded me that nothing I could do would make him love me less. He reminded me that he knows I'm doing my best. Without words he reminded me of Grace and Love and Forgiveness and that tomorrow is a brand new day. In one wordless hug he reminded me that for him, right now, I am enough. Just like I'm enough for the Lord.

I will always be careful with my words, and will apologize and beg forgiveness when I am not. Because the words I speak have so much power in peoples lives. Regardless of if I mean them to or not.

My daughter and this new baby I carry, will grow up hearing words from me.

It is my choice to speak life into their lives, or to use those words to put them down.

I will chose to speak life. It is the example I have been given, and it is beautiful.