Where I Am

More and more recently as I start to focus on relationships and people, I have come to see that my life is getting...simpler.

We all lead complex lives. We have things we MUST do and places we MUST go and things that MUST be accomplished. To be functioning adults this is true. It is true that we need to work to feed our family, to take care of what God has given us.

I can't help but wonder though...am I giving up the best things in pursuit of the good?

Sometimes, I leave dishes in the sink at night. Sometimes, it is better for me to take a nap with my girl and not fold laundry. Sometimes, she hides things and they go missing under the couch for months. Sometimes, well, always, her toys are scattered about...taking what would otherwise be a clean space and transforming it into a somewhat messier lived in space.

It is good to clean your house. It is good to make it functioning. It is good to not have ants in your kitchen. And yet...and yet...

I don't want to be so consumed with making my house picture perfect that I don't stop to dance with Ellie while she dances. I don't want to be so intent on folding laundry that I don't put her on our (unmade) bed to throw her around and hear her sweet sweet giggles. Those things are the best. Those things will be treasured in my heart. The good things can be put on hold for a moment to stop and savor the best things...

I have been making an effort to be more Intentional. Intentional about the time I spend with God, the time I spend with my husband, the time I spend with Ellie, the time I spend with my physical and spiritual family. When a person is laid on my heart, I let them know. When I feel the need to STOP and pray for someone, I do. When Blair is gone now at nights, instead of watching a show, or reading a book I clean things up or I read my Bible.

I am finding that life has become simpler.

I feel at Peace. I feel Joy. I am able to empathize more with those who are hurting. I am able to spend more time with Blair. I am finding my cup is filled, and with it filled I am able to pour it our freely to others.

I am not perfect. I make mistakes. Loads of them. But I am learning. I am trusting. I am being filled day in and day out with the Holy Spirit which is helping me through another rough pregnancy.

I still throw up a lot. I still have a hard time keeping food down a lot of days. Someone today asked me "Well why do it then? Why not get your tubes tied?" Because in this case, I am not a selfish person. Mothers are incredibly selfless...we give and we give and we cry out to God because there are times when we feel there is nothing left to offer. I keep telling the Lord "Thank you for being stronger in my weakness." I especially tell Him this when I curled around our toilet, asking Him to see me through this, because I KNOW that the end result is so so so worth it. I put aside myself, I die to myself, every. Single. Day. And I simply follow. I simply allow myself to be led and fed and built up by the body of believers. I am humble, and I admit those days that are my worst. "You can do this! You can rock this pregnancy!" someone commented on my Facebook within the last week. Simple words that filled me, so that I could in turn feed and fill others.

The more intentional I become about spending time alone with the Lord and more intentional I get about spending time with my community of believers the more in Love I am falling with my Savior.

And isn't that the point? To fall more and more in Love with the Savior?

And then in turn pour that out to those who don't know that Love?

This is my heart right now. This is where I am.

Where are you?