Dear Ellie,
This is as much your story as it is your little brothers. You don't know this, but you are giving up so so so much so that Daddy and I can be with him. You won't remember so I want to tell you, because it is important.
You are such a little girl. So tiny still. I feel like your little brother will take very much after the Carrigan side of things, as you took after the Jaques side of things. He might outweigh you pretty quickly. You will always be the big sister though. You will always have 20 months of life on him and trust me, that 20 months will go a long way at some point.
Don't forget that I had you first. Don't forget how precious those 19 months of just you and me and Daddy were. Don't ever, even for a minute, think I don't love you as much now that you have a brother.
My heart grows to hold both of you, in big big ways.
I want you to know that people love you. Uncle John and Aunt Kackie who watched you while I was in labor, giving up their Super Bowl Sunday to come take you. Mimi who flew all the way from India to meet your brother and to be here to play with you...I can't tell you how wonderful it was to know that you were with her. That she was with you. Grammy and Grumpy who might have you for a month or two while we wait and see how baby brother does. All of these people love you, so much.
None of them are Me though.
I feel guilty Ellie. I feel like less of a Mommy because I can't do everything for both of my babies. I miss you during the week in the worst ways. I'm terrified I'm going to annoy Grammy because I ask after you all the time. I'm terrified that she will resent having to look after you for weeks while I'm here at a hospital. (She assures me this is not the case...but she's your Grammy, not your Mommy, and I don't want you to ever forget that). (So for now, it's fine that she gives you ginger snaps with whipped cream).
I have to fight every day to remember that this is what God has given us. I have to fight every day to remember that in Christ I am enough, and I want to fight, because I want you to know that. You are loved. You are enough. You are strong. You are beautiful. You are kind. You are a Daughter of Christ and His love for you is BEYOND what I will ever be able to tell you.
But if I don't believe those things for myself, I know you will never believe them for yourself.
So I fight.
We're fighters Ellie. We come from some strong women, women who have been through the ringer and come out stronger on the other side.
You and me, girlfriend, we're going to come out stronger from this.
I'm going to ask so much of you one day, especially when it comes to your little brother. I'm going to ask you be kinder and gentler to him. I'm going to ask you to protect him and watch out for him on the bus and while you guys are at school. I'm going to ask you to take care of him when I can't, and I'm going to ask you to stick up for him when I'm treating him like a fragile baby doll. He's not. My head knows this, but my heart doesn't yet. Be his Big Sister. Stand up to me sometimes too.
Already you are giving up so much time with me and Daddy. Already you are making sacrifices of love, already you are showing your little brother how much you love him, simply by letting me and Daddy be here while the Doctors fix his "owies" as you like to call it. Already you are strong and teaching me to be strong. Already you show me so much compassion when you snuggle me while I cry, just because I have the privilege of holding you.
We are going to argue one day Ellie girl. We are going to fight and scream and be so so angry at each other. I might not like you and you might not like me. In fact, I promise that we won't like each other for a while. I also promise that at the end of the day, there is nothing you could do that would make me love you less. Never. My Mama said that to me once and I will say it to you, because it's truth.
You won't remember the long weeks without us, you won't remember the Facetime calls or the Skype Dates. You won't remember the tedious car rides where you tell me "ow ow ow" just because you want out of the car seat.
You won't know that I cried the other night because I just wanted to be home with my babies, you won't know that my heart hurts every time I had to leave you.
You wouldn't know any of this, unless I told you. And I want to tell you Ellie girl.
Because your brother is fighting a battle. Because you and me and Daddy...we are all fighting a battle.
And without you, you brave strong beautiful little girl, we wouldn't make such a great team.
Deano's story is your story too Ellie.
Don't forget that.
Love,
Mama
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