Tonight I started writing this in my head while I went down to get our laundry from the dryer. I talk to myself when I do this. I probably sound crazy. Most of the time what I talk/write to myself never even gets written out. I usually end up taking a whole different angle or don't even write what I was thinking about.
So what have I been thinking about?
This is long. This whole healing process is long. My son takes a long time to heal. Blair and I joke that he will be our pokey child. I'll tell Ellie and Dean to get their shoes on and Ellie will be in the car honking the horn ready to go while my son sits and cries because he doesn't know if he wants to put his left show on or his right shoe on first. He sets his own pace and his pace isn't quick enough for me.
I feel like I am chomping at the bit...and at the same time, I feel so guilty about stuff.
I feel guilty that I don't call the nurse twenty times in a night, especially when I get up to pump.
I feel guilty for thinking about quitting pumping, I hate it, I hate it so much, but know that this is best for my baby boy. So I keep going...
I feel guilty when I don't go at 8 AM every morning to go see him.
I feel guilty for forgetting the medications he is on and all the things they have done for him.
I feel guilty that I don't ask more questions.
I feel guilty that I don't stand by his bed for the hours that I am at the hospital with him.
I feel guilty when he cries while I pump, that I am not there to calm him and the nurse has to.
You can tell me I shouldn't feel guilty, but I still will. I will still have to work through those feelings. Slowly offering them up to the Lord. This is all I can do.
I don't have much to offer right now. I don't have time to help others, I rarely respond to people who I know care deeply, I feel like I'm sucking at keeping people informed. I'm not talking about the general public, I'm talking about family...at the same time, I feel like I text and tell them too much and they get annoyed with me...
We are in a terrible state of limbo right now. Caught between he's not just out of surgery and he's not out of Critical Care yet. It's an awful place to be. Some days he does well, some days he has small set backs, some days the changes they make for him are so small I have to slow them down to make sure I caught what they are doing. It's infuriating. Then I have to relay those things to Blair, because that amazing man is still working 40 hours a week, and he counts on me to tell him what our boy is doing. Sometimes I forget. I feel terrible when he comes and the nurses tell him something that is new for him but old for me. It embarrasses me.
I go through a wide range of emotions right now. Crazy things throw me off. Finding out they would fortify my milk with formula threw me into a funk last week. (That's a whole post in and of itself...) I meet a million doctors a week it feels like, all of them telling me new things about my son. Like they are watching his bilirubin levels because he was getting jaundiced. Found that out today. Or that he is STILL going through withdrawal from his medications. He was sedated for so long...so very long. He finally gets to be a "normal" baby now and they are trying to help him "catch" up.
Information. Overload.
I have to be so careful about my heart and my head colliding. I have to daily come to Jesus and lay down these things. Because this is hard. Especially because this is hard.
We have, in general, come to believe that if something hurts or that because its hard that we have this excuse to sin. That because this isn't fair, because we are sleep deprived, or someone we love hurts that all the sudden we can say or do or think what we want.
Can we though?
My son hurting is not an excuse to be angry at God. It is not an excuse to be mean to Blair or Ellie or my family or anyone for that matter. It is not an excuse to forget that my friends are hurting and might need a listening ear as well. It is not an excuse to withdrawal and let my Bible collect dust. It's not an excuse to be a jerk.
I am very careful about where my heart is when I talk to people about what we are going through. While it is hard and scary and there is so so so much unknown, sin is still sin. Worry is still sin. Self-deprecation is still sin. Hurtful words are still sin. Complaining is still sin.
It's not that I'm not talking about how I'm feeling (hello, I have a blog, I tell you guys a lot of stuff) I'm just trying to be careful about where my heart is when I do. And if I haven't talked to God about something, shouldn't He be who hears my feelings first?
Look I talk to God at three in the morning when I'm Zombie pumping next to my semi-asleep husband. I let Him know how much I'd rather be nursing my infant son and how much this hurts (physically now, I'm not even talking about the emotional part of it)(also, yes, I talk about pumping, because exclusive pumping is new for me and different and I still wish I were nursing my baby boy). I talk to God about how I hate that I'm not going back to work, but know how unfair it would be to my boss and my co-workers and mom. I talk to God about how I can't even think about next week...Blair tried to talk to me about me working from home and I almost lost it. Next month feels so far away and unattainable. I'm glad Blair can think about those things, one of us needs to.
There is a balance that I am working on finding. Between sounding like I'm complaining and simply explaining what is going on in my head and heart.
My son's heart surgery and recovery is not an excuse to sin. It is not an excuse to worry or forget God's promises.
I repeat 2 Corinthians 4:17 to myself like an anthem right now, "For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison." I mentioned that verse the last time I wrote I think, and here it is again. I write it everywhere and repeat it. Reminding myself that there is Glory at the end of this epic battle my son is fighting. There is Glory and a story and love and grace and the opportunity to offer hope to others.
There is no pain or hurt big enough in this world that God can't handle our lives. So using it as an excuse to sin is a cop-out. I'm not ok with that. I'm not ok with just getting by and saying "Oh it's ok right now because things are hard." Things will always be hard in someway.
I want my life to mean so much more. I want to not just get through this, but to overcome it. I want to be a Conqueror! I want to be MORE than a Conqueror! Gosh darn it...I've gone through too many "hard" things and used them as an excuse to be a jerk. In loads of ways. And especially to my Heavenly Father.
And I love Him to much to do that. And I love my kids and my husband too much to do that. I want my son and daughter to know that no matter how they are hurting that sin is sin. But it doesn't have to be that way. We don't have to balk against the things this world throws at us, we just have to accept that Christ is there to see us through.
If I want them to learn that, it starts with me.
So this is me. Not using my hurt and pain as an excuse.
So this is me. Accepting that Christ will see us through this.
Are you?
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