I am wondering how to accurately describe a feeling. How to tell you about hugs and family and love. If you've never known what it is like to love without hindrance or conditions my heart goes out to you.
There are so many things right now that I want to record. I want to write down. The way it felt to see my brothers, to be hugged by them, how it felt to be near my older sisters, all of them, the amazing love and grace Blair and I were shown all weekend. I want to tell you all what it was like to watch my family, my favorite people, all be in a room looking at our son, who years ago, wouldn't even be alive. Some of them cried. I didn't, not really, I was to excited. I tell you I have never had an audience while changing a diaper until this past Sunday!
Saturday my family was celebrating my amazing younger sister graduating High School, we paused to take a family picture. We were all there. Except Dean. I went inside and was talking to my mom.
"What's wrong sweetie?"
Moms know man. Moms know.
I wanted Dean home this weekend. I didn't want him at the hospital. I have never struggled with him being there like I have this last time. I have struggled to go into the hospital. Struggled to stay in his room. Gone back home more than I normally have. My heart was angry and hurting and longing for the freedom that we had at home. Frustrated that I spent two weeks without Blair, getting to know our son, and before he got to come home and do that, we were back in the hospital. I didn't want my family to have to plan how we were all getting to the Hospital in DC, I just wanted to drive over with our boy. To spend the whole day with his family, to get to know them. I just needed to lay my head against her and have a moment to cry, to grieve for the life that my son is missing while he has to heal.
I want the doctors to be definitive. I wanted answers last Monday. I wanted them to tell me a plan and stick to it. I was angry at them. Frustrated. Annoyed because it felt like they were not giving me answers. I watched Dean turn blue last week and then start breathing incredibly fast and I had to sit and watch and do nothing. I told the doctors at Rounds the next morning "This is not ok, I need answers. What are we going to do." It is agreed that we are going to look to do the next surgery soon. Tomorrow the doctors and surgeon have their big pow-wow and decide WHEN.
I want them to do it. I want it to go smoothly, because I want to be back home. For good.
I am telling a story. Dean's Story. Ellie's Story. Blair and I's story. All these chapters.
I was thinking today about Chapters in books, how some you love and you are sad when they end. How there are some that you hate and can't wait to get to the end of them.
I'm not a fan of this chapter. My reserves feel shot, weary once again. I keep trying to "fill my cup" and believe me, seeing ALL of my siblings together CERTAINLY gave me enough strength for the week...but I will be glad when this chapter of our story ends and we get to the next one.
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