Part Two: Chapter Two: "Bad Day"

You know what?

I didn't have the greatest day ever.

I've been analyzing it, trying to pin point where it all went wrong, why it felt like I couldn't change my attitude. Why I wasn't more grateful, more thankful, more joyful, more patient, more kind.

Here I am 25, with two kids here on Earth, two in Heaven, and I can't figure out why today, I was so angry. Why playing with Ellie wasn't enough. Why holding Dean wasn't enough.

Especially because I of all people should know how fragile having children really is. I should be more thankful, more joyful, more patient, better, right? In my head at least, yeah.

Ellie spilled a bottle of milk that I'd just pumped today and I yelled at her. Dean got incredibly fussy and I just thought in my head "Will he never stop crying?" Blair asked me if I had any intentions of going back out to the kitchen to finish dishes and I wanted to leap at his throat and kill him. I'm not saying these things because I'm proud, I'm just telling you this is life. This was my day.

How many others had days like this?

How many others felt like they failed because they didn't "love the little moments" or be "thankful to be holding their kids" or "find joy in the mundane things"? How many moms wondered what was wrong with them for wanting to pee alone? Or for wishing they could go back to the days before they had kids so that they could just sit somewhere and not think? How many moms felt like they failed some crazy expectation that they are supposed to have it all together?

Look, I'm not some super mom just because I have a little gimpy heart baby. I wish I could tell you that I stare lovingly at Dean and think "Oh thank you Lord"...while I still do that, more than often I think "Kid, what in the world could possibly have you THIS upset?!" I wish I could tell you that I am great with Ellie and help her learn and do things...most of the time I have days like today, where we watch ten to many shows on Netflix...

People keep asking me how I am, how we are doing. The answer is always the same. Some days are better than others.

Life has become chaotic and hectic and scary. It has become harder and rougher. Blair and I have less time for one another and we can pretty much forget having time to ourselves, or sleep.

Our new normal is hard.

And some days, we struggle.

And it's ok.

Because we always get up the next day.

Some days that's all we can do.