After: In The Flames

Today a rare and exciting thing happened. My kids went to their beds for their naps and I didn't feel the soul crushing exhaustion that I usually do. All the sudden there were multiple things that I could do. The possibilities seem endless.

It's been a while since I've been able to write. It happens. I'm a mom, I get busy. Really busy. Even now I feel guilty taking these moments to write when I look to my right and see the messes that are waiting for me to pick them up. And I hear the dishes calling my name, reminding me that there are still things that need to be done.

I wanted to write when Dean turned one. It was an exciting month for us, February was. We did a lot of things, saw a lot of fantastic people and celebrated with cake (several times) our little dude's birthday. There were presents and cake smashes and staying up way too late and pictures and it was great. It was really everything that I wanted for his birthday.

However I am experiencing this strange conundrum now. It's called After.

After a year of fighting and doctors and shots and medications and emergency air lifts. After a year of saying good bye to Ellie and being away from Blair and nurses. After a year of diagnosis and trips and asking, constantly, for help. After all this, what's left?

We're still a family, but we're not a family on the verge anymore. We aren't constantly worried he's going to go into heart failure (ok, fine, I AM not constantly worried he will go into heart failure). All the sudden the smoke is clearing, the fog is lifting and we get to do something phenomenal.

We get to simply be a family.

And oh man...it's a little hard.

All the sudden we can start to do things, we can go back to Church, we can go to the park and the grocery store. We're going on our first real family vacation. We get to worry about normal bills and cars and doing our taxes. We get to focus on disciplining Ellie and turning off the TV more. We get to paint and talk about our dreams. We made actual real life goals for the year.

All the sudden I'm working on learning ho to be a "normal" mom who doesn't live in a hospital. Who doesn't have to speak medical jargon. Who has time during the day. Who can sign up to do things with the Women's Ministry at Church. Who is learning how to incorporate the Lord into every aspect of my life.

It is not easy though for me. I'm having a hard time talking to my husband. I'm having a hard time remembering that I can go out and DO things. I am having a hard time juggling housework and quiet time and time with my kids, though I promise you, I know which is more important. I all the sudden can leave my son with people other than my parents or my husband. His godmother watched them on our anniversary so we could go out (WE WENT BOWLING AND IT WAS AWESOME) and I wasn't worried I'd get a "call" the whole time we were out. Ok. Maybe I was, but that's because I'm convinced this kid can't survive without me.

Truth is though that he is can. He is tough and smart and quickly learning what NO means. And this requires me to redefine who I am as a wife, mother, sister, daughter, and friend.

I'm dealing with a lot of other things as well. Things I'm not sure I have the courage to write about yet. Things that just are bringing me more and more to my knees. I feel like I have been so "strong" for so long that all the sudden... I can relax ever so slightly. My body knows this, but my mind is having trouble following that line of thinking.

We are still working on lots of things with Dean, we probably always will be. But we're in the sweet spot now, a sweet spot that seems to be TOO sweet to me.

I am still praying for the courage to write about all aspects of my life. I've always been proud of myself for being vulnerable and all the sudden God has taken that pride and shut it down and put me to the flames. When you're put to the flames, you have two choices, let it burn you or refine you.

I am praying that it refines me.

Thanks for tuning in my friends. It felt nice to sit and write this out today.