A New Shape

So I'm gonna step out on a ledge with this one. It's a hard topic for me, I'm not entirely sure I'm excited about writing this, but I know I need to.

Back in February I went to the doctor for myself. It was an incredibly weird experience for me. I'm so used to going for everyone but myself that answering the doctors questions was really hard. We talked about how I don't sleep, how I'm losing hair like it's my job in life, how exhausted I am by the afternoon and how I've gained way way to much weight (and this after making and implementing some big changes in the way our whole family eats). I was convinced something was physically wrong with me, I made them do a blood panel. I had them check my thyroid and make sure I wasn't anemic. I had them check all sorts of things. And it all came back normal. Physically nothing is wrong with me.

So...then the doctor, being a perceptive jerk face, brings up the one thing I was avoiding: depression. We go back and forth talk about a few things and he asked me to come back after a few days with these papers. Apparently if you want to know if you are depressed all you need is to fill out papers.

I come home and talk to Blair about it and tell him how stupid I think it is and how that's not really whats wrong with me and hey I've held it together all freaking year, right? And NOW all the sudden my brain starts to misfire? For real? After talking with the doctor and Blair and some trusted friends I started to realize the truth of what was happening inside my brain. There is, indeed, a misfire.

The problem is, though, that it's not *just* that I'm depressed. It's that there is this awful terrible Anxiety that's messing me up. In the past three months I have had four panic attacks. Two one night while Blair was gone. One while we were on vacation with my family in TN and one this week. I was trying very hard to use homeopathic remedies to see if that helped and for a while it did. But then we got to go out in public, we got to do things as a family. We went from 0-60 in five seconds. And it messed my head all the way up.

I've always been a believer, advocate, champion for mental health. I believe people who tell me that their brains are not functioning the right way. I believed it for everyone but myself. I have spend so much time trying to "be strong" and "brave". I have done a lot of things I never thought I would have to do. And now that things have reached a lull my brain can't stop the "do all the things, be strong, be brave." It's like it's still wired to have to fight, but the fight is at a lull. I know I should be able to relax, but my brain goes nuts and says NO NO NO bad things will happen if you relax.

It makes me feel weak. And crazy.

If you have never had a panic attack, then I'm so happy for you. I wouldn't wish this on anyone. I'm not even sure I can accurately describe what it feels like. How do you explain to someone that you forget how to breathe? How do you explain to someone that things that you know aren't happening have you in fight or flight mode? Look when I hear a helicopter my heart beat picks up and my hands shake. When I had to put the nebulizer mask on my kid this week I started to hyperventilate. Last week when my daughter didn't want to sit and eat a picnic pavilion that was near a parking lot my mind went from "she's being a kid" to "oh crap oh crap oh crap a car is going to hit her". It's not just that I worry about things, it's that I can't stop my mind from full on visualizing it and from there it all goes down hill.

It's incredibly scary. And it's scary when it happens and I'm home with my kids. This week I sat at my art desk hyperventilating because I couldn't remember how to breath and Ellie cried at my side telling me "don't be sad Mama, it's otay, don't be sad." I was texting a friend, because having a coherent conversation seemed impossible, and I kept telling her I was sorry. Because not only does Anxiety make you scared to talk about it, but it tells you that you are being an inconvenience.

Listen I know all the things. I know that I have people who love me and are there for me. I know I have people who I can call any time I need to when I'm panicking and can't stop it. I know that Blair doesn't think I'm less of a mother because some days the best I can do is throw cheerios at our kids until nap time. Please understand that this for me is stupidly hard. Not just to live with this and figure out how to live with it, but to move forward. I feel trapped some days.

I am afraid of having more panic attacks. I am afraid of someone seeing me have a panic attack. It's not an easy thing to understand. I never really did until this started happening to me. I'm working SLOWLY on accepting that right now this is where I am and that it's ok.

I am mom with a kid with special needs and a toddler who also just needs me all the time and I have depression and anxiety.

I love my children and my husband. I love what we've been given and how we've been shaped. I know this is just shaping me.