And, Not Just

I worry about the word "just".

Am I just a mom?
Am I just a wife?
Am I just a workhorse?
Am I just stuck here?

I want to be more than "just". I want to be a Wife AND a Mom. I want to be a Home keeper AND my children's play mate. I want to be a Mom AND an Artist.

I know too many moms who stop doing the things they love. I'm not basking them for this, look, being a Mom is a 24/7 all the time job. We don't get a lot of breaks, we don't get time off, and vacations are nice, but still work. We signed up for it and we know it and it's ok. But I've never wanted to give up the things that I love. The things that make me so deeply who I am.

I have always loved to draw. I have always loved to color. I love to dig in clay and make misshapen things. I love to have paint on my hands and clothes. I love when people ask me about it.

For the first in my life I feel like I can call myself an Artist. Other people always have. They introduce me that way "This is Maddie, she's an artist". But I would never introduce myself that way. It just didn't feel right. I liked art, sure, I was always making something, but yet...never did I feel in my heart I was an artist.

When Dean was born and we started his life long battle with his little gimpy heart I experienced for the first time true pain. We all think we go through these things that are the hardest things, and then we go through something so much harder and long for the things that were "less" hard. I'd much rather move in the middle of sophomore and junior year than watch my son struggle the way I had to. I had to figure out a way to take all that pain and get it out of me. For my Husband, for my kids, for me.

And I turned to Art.

I have created more this year than I think I ever have in my life. I have filled notebooks and watched tutorials and made countless trips for art supplies that I "needed". I have stepped out of my comfort zone and for the first time in my life I'm truly exploring and trying new things. I have seen improvement in my work. I have seen the nameless emotions I've felt come out of me onto a page. And I have shared my work.

From this deep pain I have found out who I am as an Artist and guys, it's freaking awesome.

It cracks me up that I have two kids, a house to keep track of, a husband to keep encouraged and I have suddenly found ("made") the time to sit and work on my art. Early mornings, late nights, small spinets of time hunched at my art desk, furiously working out an idea.  My husband being the one to tell me "It's late you need to go to bed" and I'm the one saying "One more minute babe".

It just feels nice to be able to call myself an Artist. And not "just".

I am And. All these things AND.

And it's beautiful, to be in this place. To be a wife AND mom AND artist.

And is so much better than Just.