Since I last wrote we have: had an amazing family vacation in the summer, I had an amazing art show focusing on grief and loss, did an entire month of paintings daily, and we found out we were pregnant with our sixth and third living baby. We have confirmed a heartbeat, made it to 18 weeks and I have made it through the morning sickness (which I’m not 100% sure I’m over all the way, but it’s gotten better!). I have had more blood draws than ever before in my life and met a midwife who saw the despair and fear in my soul and did her best to counteract that immediately.
The week we found out we were pregnant, we went for Deans cardiology checkup where his cardiologist said “Ok. It’s time. Let’s get the third surgery done.” She also suggested getting it done as soon as possible because of me being pregnant. Deans heart cath was in october and I’m not sure I handled it well. Honestly. I was a mess. And I was throwing up a lot still...
We went with him, to the lab. We helped out the mask on him for the anesthesia. I pray and hope you never, ever have to experience that. And if you have, please know how much my heat hurts for you having that memory etched into your mind.
Soon after that appointment Blair found out he was leaving for a three week long military training. Our idea had been to get his surgery done ASAP...but those plans were put on hold. Without a doubt I know God did that for a purpose. Those three weeks were long and awful for me. I was sick quite a lot and relied heavily on family and friends. Dean got a rash because everytime I tried to change a poopy diaper, I’d throw up and he sat in them just a *little* too long. I questioned my worth as a mother, as a wife, and the despair that comes with the morning sickness I experience set in. I’m so thankful for the friends who speak life into my heart during times like that.
So here we are, January. I decided I was done waiting for Cardiology to call me and I made some calls. I made what felt like a million calls. Then out of no where, we got the date.
We send our son for his third open heart surgery January 24, 2019, provided Dean has no colds or sickness. We are preparing as well as we can. Many people have asked me how I’m feeling or how I’m doing.
Well. Guys, I mean, this sucks. They have to hurt him, again. It doesn’t do anyone any good to sugar coat that. They saw through his sternum and skin. He’ll have a fresh wound and then have to recover and feel all of that. Never, please, diminish a child’s pain because they are “young enough they won’t remember.” No. He won’t. That doesn’t however, mean he will not hurt. Our little sassy girl will, once again, be away from us. You know what I’m bummed about? That by the time we really start feeling this baby kick, Ellie will be with grandparents and godparents. Do you know how excited she is to feel her baby? It makes me sad for her. She’s bigger now and realizes what’s happening. We have already begun the conversations about what’s going to happen to Dean. She needs to know. She asked me the other day if I was scared. And I told her the truth, I am. It’s heart surgery on a three year old. It’s scary.
Now. That doesn’t mean we aren’t hopeful. Because we are! This kid, man, this kid is a nut cas. He has two goose eggs on his head, impaled himself on a toothpick on Christmas Day, and he’s fearless. He’s absolutely fearless and brave and amazing. And so is his sister! My kids are amazing resilient goofy little suckers who drive me up the wall! It’s fantastic! I can’t wait to see him blow doctors and nurses away.
I can’t wait to see him P I N K. Not BLUE. P I N K.
We are doing our best to prepare. How do we do that? We talk, we pray, and we started a t shirt fundraiser. (https://www.bonfire.com/deans-gimpy-heart/) The heart on these shirts is hand drawn by me. No one is under any obligation to buy one, and I know not everyone likes T-shirt’s or sweatshirts as much as I do. Haha. If you’d rather donate money straight to Blair and I, you can always use my PayPal (mcarrigan04@gmail.com). Fundraising is a weird thing for me. Between Blair missing work to be right at Deans Aide (where he wants to be) and the expense of eating hospital food almost daily, parking garages, and any bills that might surface, let alone our regular bills...well the word *tight* comes to mind. We have no idea how long Deans recovery will be. It could be two or three weeks, it could be months. And if anyone would rather send a gift directly to Dean for his stay, I have an Amazon wishlist of things I have asked other heart moms about.
Kazzos, recorders, and harmonicas to help him blow into and get his lungs working. Batman slippers and Button down pjs for wires and to help give him incentive to start walking more. Pout Pout Fish Books and ty erase workbooks because he loves both of those things. We’ll be bringing his Batman pillow and sheets, all four of his special blankets, and his favorite stuffed animal doggy. A Heart Mama suggested putting s bandaid on the stuffed animal for every tube and bandage he has, and as each comes off, take off the bandaid to SHOW him the progress he’s making. We’ll be bringing Blair’s Lap too so we can watch all he Hotel Transylvania, Boss Baby, and LEGO Batman and any other Batman movies I can get my hands on.
I feel confident in the people who will be watching Ellie. I know they LOVE her and will do all sorts of fun things and will send me a million pictures on the days I’m missing her something fierce. I know the doctors and surgeons and nurses are pulling for him and rooting for him. I know we will fight this together. I know we aren’t alone. I feel like we’re as prepared as we can get.
And that gives me a lot of peace and a lot of confidence in the whole thing.
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