I woke up this morning to a text from a good friend “Laundry service is here.” See, she asked me to save up all my laundry so she could come get it and do it for us. From there we started our day. Blair had out his Bluetooth speaker last night, so I hooked up my phone and started listening to All Sons and Daughters, an album I really love.
It reminds me of the first house Blair and I lived in six years ago. It reminds me of olive green and deep green, the colors I painted in our first kitchen. Colors I have burned into my memory and can’t wait to replicate one day. I sang while I made breakfast for my kids who are both home, watching old school Teen Titans because the Teen Titans Go is crap. I sang while I made myself a good healthy breakfast for this new little girl who has, by far, been my easiest pregnancy.
Ordinary things.
Beautiful things.
On Saturday we will have been married six years. And I’ve been reflecting on that quite a bit. The whole day, the people who made it happen for us, the kids who were here and the kids who have been added to our family since then. Baby Boy in our wedding pictures, forever stamped on all our hearts. My brother Nate praying for us and my Father In Law as well. The blue sequin slippers I wore and my green nails that I spent WEEKS obsessing over so I would have pretty nails for my wedding. Brushing my teeth in my wedding dress because I 100% forgot to. Lee Montgomery who officiated our wedding, the Church where both my parents and Blair’s parents go, the Body of Christ that has walked through some awful things with us.
And Blair. My Blair.
He’s goofy and quirky and amazing. He’s selfless in ways I never expected and is braver than me in some things. Last year when we miscarried, I said “I don’t know if I’ll ever be excited to be pregnant again” and he simply said “I will always be excited. Always.” He carries his burdens quietly. And holds me when I fall apart, which is often.
2019 has already proven to be tough. Deans surgery and recovery...it’s tough. Harrowing? Awful? Necessary. We went into it knowing how much Dean needed it and knowing how much it would affect us and for how long. He did so much better than we ever imagined. And there were complications we never imagined. His chest tube not coming out, going back into surgery to remove them, and the cold/virus that sent him back in just a week after being discharged. Being home and managing his pain, keeping our cool when our boy is screaming because of his “boo boo”.
This is why this ordinary morning was so beautiful.
We are faced, every day, with the beauty of life. His life, our life, our children’s lives, the children we didn’t get to hold. Beauty doesn’t mean it’s not messy though. We swear sometimes, dishes pile up, our room looks insane, there is ALWAYS something that needs to be swept, we get angry with each other and our kids. Ellie asks to go see friends and Mamas germaphobe self has to breath deeply if we go ANYWHERE in the world. Or if she does. Balancing “safety” and “fear” always always always. Keep him safe, my heart wispers...let him live, my brain screams. Balance.
I am thankful we are coming into a time of peace. I am thankful we are coming out of a time of struggle. I am aware every day, why the Bible tells us this life is like the blink of an eye. Ellie will be five in June, Dean is already three, our pregnancy is already over halfway. We have had the privilege of being married six years. Blair affords me the opportunity to be home with my babies, to paint and create. I am literally watching them grow up.
I am marking time. Four weeks post op. One week home. 16 weeks until baby girl. Four days until we hit six years. Infinite love. Infinite fights. Infinite struggle. Infinite joy.
What’s next? Six years, three miscarriages, one sassy compassionate girl, one brave single ventricle son, another little girl growing in a secret place, kicking to remind me she is here. One marriage holding fast to a Faith that keeps us together through things that would send anyone running...one Faith holding us together when one of us did want to run...
What’s next?
The Creator knows. The Artist knows. He is painting a beautiful picture for our lives. One I never expected but am no less thankful for. Because it adds depth and character to the canvas...it makes us dynamic and stunning.
Whatever is next, whatever He does paint into our lives, whatever He does ask of us, we will face together. We will watch it unfold. We will still chose to say “Thank you”...even in the middle of the struggle and heartache.
And we will do it together.
Honestly, we should get Jerseys. We make a great team...
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