Lilliana’s birth story actually starts, truly starts, on June 15. This was a Saturday and it was the day Blair left for Annual Training.
We knew him leaving would have to happen. In my hormonal mind though, I was absolutely convinced that he wasn’t going to be here for Ana’s birth. My mom, my Doula who had been there for Ellie and Dean’s births, was also out of town. So I was wrapping my brain around my two biggest supporters not being at her birth...
The whole week I had been miserable. One day I was content “oh we can do this we can wait” and the next day I would be in tears asking Blair why God hated me and why this baby would not freaking get out of me. My code that I needed to go cry was “I need to take a shower.” I took a lot of showers.
That Saturday he left and I called my best friend who was basically one of my back up doulas (because every one needs several back up doulas) and asked her to come over. That afternoon she came. She did dishes. Her tot and my tot played together. I sat on the birth ball and she gave me a belly rub. She also talked to Ana. “This is your Auntie Amanda. We know it’s nice in there but we’re ready to meet you. Time to come out baby girl.” I had light contractions all day, but I’d had contractions on and off most of the week so it didn’t mean anything to me. Eventually Amanda left and the kids went to bed.
I always have a hard time getting to bed the first night Blair is gone. So it took me a while to get to sleep. Around 10:30 or so I finally fell asleep.
At 11:40 a contraction woke me up. Followed by a second strong contraction. Both felt intense and different. I texted Amanda, asked her to help me time them. I’d send her an emoji every time one started and stopped (🌈 this one actually!). She said “Maddie these are close. I think you’re in labor. You need to call your team.”
The first person I called was my Mom. While on the phone with her I had two strong contractions that I had to stop talking during them. She said “Yup. Baby you’re in labor you need to call Blair and you need to call Natasha.” I was very much in denial that I was in labor.
I paced in my room and finally called Blair. Who woke up right away and said “I’m on my way.” We had joked about this, that as soon as he left that’s when I would go into labor. I called Katharine, my kids godmother and best friend and the other back up Doula. She was the first to arrive. When she got to my house she came upstairs while I was making up my bed. At this point I had alerted my Midwife, Natasha, and my birth photographer and another dear dear friend, Chelsea.
Katharine helped me finish making my bed and then we headed down stairs so I could sit on my birth ball. My mom had been texting me and reminded me that my little sister, Abbie, was coming and on her way. Abbie was the next to arrive, followed by Chelsea. We sat in my living room while I bounced through contractions. I think this was when I put on Remember the Titans and joked about how much I love inspirational football movies.
My amazing Midwife Natasha arrived, she was also heavily pregnant at this time and I just remember being so impressed with her. She checked Anas heart tones and my blood pressure. We all sat in the living room. My mom FaceTimed my little sister and stayed on the entire time I was in labor. She kept telling Abbie she needed to see my face to see how I was handling labor. Katharine would rub my shoulders and back to help me relax during contractions. I had a hard time remembering to relax my face and shoulders.
My contractions were STRONG but never felt consistent. I couldn’t talk through a lot of them and I desperately craved physical contact. Blair still hadn’t made it to us. Eventually, Katie, a nurse with Premier arrived to assist Natasha. She sat on my couch and got the good brown blanket and said “Your House is so cold!” I just remember thinking that was funny.
I turned off the movie and went to my art desk. I dont remember TELLING anyone I was going to do this, I just DID. While there I used the colors that make me think of my girl. Teal and purples. I made these big circles, each time telling myself “open open open” imagining Ana coming down, coming out, meeting this great big world. I listened to my birth playlist, but once again got stuck on Mae songs. Bloom and Our Love is a Painted Picture. Songs that remind me of Blair and our love. Songs that remind me of Ellie and all the baby’s before Ana.
While at my desk, my Mommy senses tingled and I knew Ellie was awake. Without sayin anything to anyone I just got up and went upstairs and out she came. I said “It’s time for Baby Ana to come out. Mama has to do a lot of work.” She sat in my lap at the top of the stairs and rubbed my back. She came down the stairs with me and colored with my sister while I labored.
I don’t remember specific times, but I do remember Blair walking through the door, starting to cry, and then hearing Natasha say “And NOW we’re going to have a baby.”
Blair, Natasha, Katie and I went upstairs to do a cervical check. The one and only check I had during my entire pregnancy. During our last miscarriage I had an extremely traumatic experience with a doctor doing a check and hurting me even while shaking my head “NO”. The thought of a cervical check made me feel anxious and panicky. Wrong. We had talked about this during my entire pregnancy and Natasha KNEW. Her check was gentle, quick, and she talked me through it the whole time. When she was done Blair said “Maddie where do you think you are? What do you want to hear?” I said “I just want to know there’s been some change.” Natasha said “You’re dilated to a seven almost 8.” I’m pretty sure I told her to shut up because I didn’t believe her.
From then on I labored upstairs mostly. My team came up, Ellie sat with Abbie, Katharine sat in our floor, Chelsea moved around taking pictures. Contractions were intense and I was getting tired.
I remember asking Katharine to pray for me. My best friend. A friend God knit together in such a beautiful way. I could not have done this without her this time. She laid next to me and prayed and I just soaked in that prayer. She gave words to what I needed. Ellie climbed on the bed and rubbed my arms while I contracted. She was so excited, not scared at all while I vocalized and boy was I being vocal.
Around six AM I knew I needed Ellie and Dean to go. Blair called his mom and she got ready to come get them. Dean was still asleep at that point.
I went to use the bathroom and Natasha came in to check on me. She knelt down (no small gesture considering she was past 30 weeks with her own sweet baby!) and looked me in the eye and said “What’s happening with you mentally? What’s holding you back?”
I was so tired at this point. I had prayed and waited and cried for this baby. I had prepared my house and heart to meet her. I had worked through so much baggage and trauma. So many art journal pages dedicated to each week of pregnancy. But.
I still didn’t think my body was capable of having a baby with no medical intervention.
I told Natasha “they break my water. They always have had to break my water. She won’t come unless you break my water.”
I just remember her looking me in the eye and saying “There is no medical reason for me to break your water. Let that thought go.” And I did.
She rubbed my belly with the contractions and talked to Ana. My mom was on FaceTime and I remember telling her “I’m so tired Mommy” and she just said “I know but you have to do this. Just some more work and she’ll be here.”
We went back to our room where I got in our bed, pulling my knees to my chest. This wasn’t helping anything and finally Natasha suggested I squat next to the bed. I did, Using Blair for support.
I’m pretty sure this was when I cussed. Because I felt her move DOWN. It was one of the most intense feelings I have ever felt in my life! I held that squat for as long as I possibly could during some crazy intense contractions. I then shifted so that my elbows were up on our bed and I was kneeling there next to it. Blair and Natasha were behind me and I asked Abbie and Katharine to be on my bed so I could hold onto their arms.
Once in that position Natasha told me she was going to see where baby was in my pelvis. She said she could feel her behind my pubic bone and it was time to bear down with these contractions. Every time she touched me in any way, she would warn me, talk me through it.
Not having my water broken made this labor much different. The urge to push never truly came. I could feel Ana moving down, but that intense urge just wasn’t there. Chelsea told me she understood (her son was born in the amniotic sac, and part of the reason she and I became fast friends!) and hearing her say that helped me a lot mentally.
I remember bearing down a lot and pushing a lot more than I did with Ellie and Dean. I felt a POP and heard Natasha say that my water had broken and then I DID feel the urge to get her OUT.
I remember thinking “Ok. No one else can do this part. They’re all here to support you, but this part is on you. If YOU don’t get her past your pubic bone she won’t come out Madalynn and you want her out now.”
I felt her crowning and remembered talking about pushing slowly, not blazing through things. I took my time and roared a lot. I’m surprised I didn’t bruise Katharine and Abbie’s arms because I was holding on so tightly. I felt her head come and vaguely recall hearing Natasha coach Blair on how to help Ana come out. And then this immense relief as she came out and then...and then I heard her cry.
I immediately looked up into Katharine’s face when I heard Ana crying and I don’t know if I said it but I know I thought “This is what I want for you.” Katharine and I held each other’s gaze and I think we both started crying. Her story is hers to tell, but I will say this: she and I have very different struggles and very different lives, but are Sisters in Christ, bonded in a way we can’t explain. Having her here to witness a baby being born alive was one of the best gifts I could ever think to give her. I hope it gave her hope for her future as well. Because I will never stop hoping for her. That moment, where we both heard Ana crying...will forever be etched into my memory.
Blair told me I needed to reach down and help him because Ana was slippery. I reached between my legs and brought her up to my chest. The only hands on her we’re mine and Blairs. It was just as I had dreamed. No yelling, no rushing, no doctors and nurses chaotically all around us. It was intimate and beautiful and amazing. Blair and I sat back against the wall right by the side of our bed while I held our baby girl. She still had vernix on her, she had so much hair and she was so alert!
Nothing else in the world seemed to matter.
I remember getting my phone out and sending a video message to my best friend Danielle telling her Ana was here. I remember everyone just letting me and Blair be together. Even Natasha helping me deliver the placenta felt calm and unhurried. I even got to see it this time and asked her if it looked healthy! I said “I haven’t been drinking soda it should look good!” And it did!
Ana got to latch on right there with me on the floor against the wall. Eventually we moved to the bed. I got changed and cleaned up while Blair held Ana on his chest. It’s amazing how much you miss out on when you can’t. The whole time I just remembered how quickly they had to take Dean and how unhurried this was with Ana. I felt so supported and loved.
I got settled in bed and it came time to weigh Ana. I knew she was bigger, I knew she was over 8 pounds. So when Natasha told me she was 9 pounds 4 ounces I started to laugh and laugh! I had prayed for a chunky baby and God gave me one!
Natasha knowing our history with Dean did a oxygen reading for us. Seeing her oxygen levels go all the way to 100...I cried. She was here. She was healthy. She is ours. We did it.
Abbie made us sausage egg and bagel sandwiches which tasted absolutely amazing. Katharine got to hold Ana and so did Abbie. I was so incredibly blessed to be able to share this with them both, my sisters in heart and in blood. There’s just something special about seeing a baby come into this world.
Then another amazing glorious thing happened. Blair’s Mom had taken Ellie and Dean to the park, literally minutes before I pushed her out. And within the hour, MY. KIDS. GOT. TO. MEET. ONE. ANOTHER. IN. PERSON. Ellie climbed up and sang to Ana, who recognized her sisters voice. Dean climbed next to me and kept saying “Hi Baby Ana.” Once again, I cried.
Growing our family has always been hard and riddled with heart ache. Blair and I have done our best to accept what God has given us. Ana’s birth felt like...like a gift. A huge gift with bows and ribbons from a Daddy who says “I’ve seen your heartache. This is just. For. You. I love you.”
Everything about it was ordained. Abbie witnessing her first birth, her little niece before she moved. Katharine witnessing her goddaughter being born, hopefully as healing for her as it as for me. Natasha, my midwife, who saw beyond the stories I told to underlying grief and fear...she did SUCH an amazing job of getting me out of my own head and helped me release so much fear and tension. Chelsea photographing our birth, a fast friend, a friendship given to us both at a time when we needed it. Even Katie being here to assist Natasha felt like a gift.
And I did it. I had my baby at home. I had a NINE POUND baby at home, in my own space, in my own time, in my own way.
Lilliana’s birth was amazing and wonderful.
Our post partum time together, however, deserves its very own blog post.
Last year it was my Golden Birthday, 28 on the 28th. I declared that the whole YEAR would be golden and you know what? It really was.
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