Lilliana Marah Beth, Part One

I really want to write out so many things about Lilliana. Her birth, her pregnancy, her infancy, even her name...there are so many special things about this third living baby of mine. Unfortunately the post birth haze has hit me, as has the chaotic nature of our life right now. Even now, writing this, I should 100% be napping (shh, don’t tell Blair!). 

Nine days before I found out I was pregnant I was reading my Bible, in Exodus Chapter 15. God has lead Moses and the Israelites out of Egypt and they have come to Marah, a place of bitter water. God gives Moses instructions and when Moses follows those instructions the bitter water becomes sweet. God says “I am the Lord, your Healer.” 

Even now writing about this tears come to my eyes. As I was reading this passage I felt this still small voice whisper to my heart “I will give you another baby, you will carry her to term and you will use Marah in her name. I will take the bitterness I have given you and I will give you something sweet.” I was skeptical and annoyed. Frustrated. Didn’t God know I wasn’t ever doing it again? Didn’t I give Him enough? Didn’t He know how depleted and shaken and traumatized our last miscarriage had left me? He did know. And He told me “I. Am. Your. Healer.” 

Nine days later I took that positive pregnancy test. I cried. 

When we went for our twenty week scan I was terrified. I kept telling her “I just need to see the heart, I just need to see her heart” and there is was. All four beautiful chambers. I cried. I wasn’t at all surprised when she told us we were having a girl, I had known. On the way home Blair and I discussed what we would name her. I kept circling back to Marah Beth. Marah because His promise to me, Beth because my amazing and wonderful Aunt. I love giving my girls strong living roll models and couldn’t think of anyone more worthy than my Aunt. Blair kept circling back to the name Lilliana. He just liked it. So did I. By the time we got home we knew her name. 

Lilliana Marah Beth. 

Our sweetness from bitterness. 

The newest chapter in our story. N

Hands down she was my “easiest” pregnancy. I only lost about 15 pounds, I was able to eat well. I started seeing a chiropractor when we found out she was breech and we both prayed that God would show us what He wanted. I was terrified He would ask me to have a c-section, something I didn’t want. My dreams of a beautiful home birth were threatened and my heart ached. Blair simply said “Maddie if you had a c-section you’d have even more empathy for even more Mothers.” Blair is good with perspective. 

After what felt like forever and a few emotional breakdowns, she flipped. My dreams of home birth back on the table! Now we just had to get through the hard part: the third trimester. 

My due date was June Ninth. I had never gone over my due date. June 15, Blair had to leave for training for the Guard. I begged God over and over to let me go into labor before he left. At one point we thought I was. And then. It stopped. For an entire week we did all the things to put me into labor and nothing happened. I was sort of a hot mess jerk face that whole week. Tired and huge and uncomfortable and anxious and weepy. My code to Blair was “I need to go take a shower” which meant “I’m going to have a mental break down and cry a whole bunch.”

Finally we came to the 15, Blair packed up and headed to Annual Training. I was one day shy of 41 weeks, emotional and huge and at home with Ellie and Dean wondering how in the world I was going to do this. It’s also worth noting that my Mom and Doula, who had been there for Ellie and Dean’s births was camping down south with my Dad. So not only was my husband not here, neither was my mom. 

I was so scared of going into labor by myself in the middle of the night and worried Blair wouldn’t be back in time. 

June 15th at 11:40, I had two strong contractions that woke me up and started the beginning of my labor. 

To be continued...