A Hug

 More than anything, you taught me to love Jesus. 

I know you didn’t do it well and oh man did you ever fail sometimes. Your heart was in the right place though, I always saw that. 

Your Bible sits on my shelf where I can see it every day. It’s falling apart, the mark of a well loved book. 

It hurt today not being able to call you or send a Polo or a goofy meme. It hurt missing your voice. It hurt that you weren’t with one of us, grilling things and convincing Mama to make you some sort of dessert. You would have wanted us to bring the kids over, you always wanted us to bring the kids over. 

Grief feels heavier today. It threatened me to drown me. Honestly planning a party kept me afloat but here now, in the winding down of the day, I miss you. Baby is rolling and kicking and Ana is asleep and I miss you. 

I hurt for those hurting. I hurt for the tidal waves of grief that feel like blow after blow after blow. Sudden death or long drawn out death, it doesn’t matter. Absences makes itself known.  

I know Heaven is better. I know they wouldn’t chose to come back given the choice. What I know and what I feel though are still disconnected...the thread is thin, it threatens to snap. 

And I feel...over all of it, even in all of it, the love of my Father. My Heavenly Father. The one my Daddy turned to and prayed to and loved. I feel His strength carrying me. I feel able to put one foot in front of the other to deal with every mundane task that felt insurmountable. I saw His love in the swept kitchen floor and food that got put quietly away. In friends and their fellowship and baked cupcakes and community, in the way we were quietly loved. 

The older I get the more I see the different ways God shows His love to us. It’s not always loud and miraculous. It’s not always a big story. 

It’s day to day life. Small sacrifices. Friends who bring other little girls to birthday parties. Men who make a point to befriend my husband. Sitting in the deep grief with a friend. A text. A phone call. 

Daddy’s love was so amazing and life changing because I know he loved the Lord. Today I got to see that love woven tightly into my everyday life. 

It felt like a hug. It felt like he was here with me still. 

None of it took away the sting of death, but it did lessen the blow. 

That’s the legacy my Daddy left me.