So Will I

 Today I woke up thinking what I think almost every day, “Is today the day our baby comes?” 

As I was thinking about this in my day to day I suddenly realized why this feeling feels so incredibly familiar to me…

Waiting for someone who you know is going to be born…is the same feeling as waiting for someone who you know is going to die.  

For weeks every day I woke up wondering “Is this the day Mommy calls me to tell me Daddy has died?” Until she finally did call me…and I felt the world shake. 

The waiting, the knowledge that it’s coming…it messes with your head. I don’t want to wish these last days away. I know this is the last baby I carry and I know she completes our family. My mind and body are exhausted. I feel like I am somehow letting people down by not showing this picture of this beautiful baby girl who is on the outside of me instead of the inside. 

Every day I wake up and read an affirmation that “Gods Timing is Perfect”. My brain doesn’t believe it, but my heart does. 

In my brain I am angry at Gods timing I am angry that Daddy isn’t here for the not one but two grandchildren he’s not holding. I am angry that he’s not trying to convince me to come to the house or that he’s not asking “When you gonna have that baby?” I am angry that only a week after he died I found out about this pregnancy. I am angry that I carried grief and life all at once. I am angry that He took my kids Godfather from them…I am angry that my son is struggling as much as he is because two of the most important men in his life are gone. 

And all this anger does nothing but paralyze me. I know it’s not worth my time. 

As I wait for our baby I just think about the days I was waiting for my Daddy to die. The unknowing.  The suspense. Every text and phone call striking a sense of panic in my heart…all over again. 

Once again I’m drawn to the song “So Will I (100 Billion X)”…the lyric “If you left the grave behind you so will I…”

I have felt Death the whole 39 and a half weeks I have been pregnant. Not just my Daddy’s death…but others. It’s hit me harder. Made me weak in the knees. I have cried more. It knocks me out and for the day, I’m just done. My mind can now understand the pain and anguish you feel and I cannot brush past it. 

The end of this pregnancy…means…

Life. And Joy. And. Mercy. Peace. It means…there’s not just death in this world. 

She doesn’t erase the past nine months. She doesn’t stop me from missing these men who have meant so much to me, but she signifies a new chapter. And I desperately need a new Chapter. It will never stop my heart from hurting over these losses, but it will help me close out a chapter I have hung onto for a while. 

I wake every morning and go to bed every evening wondering if today is my baby’s birthday. And it reminds me every day about my Daddy and his life. 

Life and Death…that juxtaposition. We all think about it. But I feel I have had a unique experience to see both play out in such an interesting and heartbreaking way. 

Either way, I’ve been thinking…both can be a gift. 

My Daddy’s body hurt and his death meant Heaven, a gift from the Lord. Just like this baby is a gift from the Lord, a burst of sunshine after a storm. Death and Life are both a gift. 

Jesus left the grave behind Him. 

So will I.