The End Of The Week

So what started as a pretty poopy week ended up being pretty good. Ok it was more than good, it's been nice.

After this Monday and my one day of feeling pretty awful, things have been better. It was just a really bad day for me. Some days are. I don't feel the need to try to hide those days or act like they aren't happening. I would like to think that I can see the end, and don't sound TOO fussy, but still.

Best thing about this week is that Daddy got to feel our Ellie girl! I've been waiting for this ever since I've started to feel her move. I was so excited! And the look on his face...my goodness gracious. It was...it is one of the memories that I will hold onto.

I can't deny how hard things have been. I get really excited about how well I'm doing, so it makes those bad days even harder. I think to myself "I was better, I'm all better, I can do better now." It makes me sad. Those days like that. So when good things happen, I grab onto them with both fists and hold on with all my might.

I was determined that no one would be able to feel her until her Daddy felt her. His face lit up, he giggled like a little boy, and it was just beautiful. I would be lying if I told you I didn't cry. I did. We've...we've both had such a hard time with this pregnancy. To feel this little life inside of me move and wiggle and grow makes all the more real and all the more exciting. We love our girl. We love her so much. Fiercely and wonderfully and we are so thankful for this gift. I can't get over the fact that I am STILL pregnant. I am STILL carrying this life. I am STILL preparing to raise a little girl to love Jesus, love her family, love her friends, and love this beautiful life that she has been given. I can't help, even on my worst days, think how lucky I am, because there are still woman who are not afforded this blessing.

There was loads of snow here too, where we are. It's the kind of snow I like because people don't make fun of me for being a chicken, because NO ONE can go anywhere either. I kinda helped shovel snow. It was fun! Blair didn't let me do much, and a neighbor made fun of me when I told him that I was wearing four pairs of pants. When I told him that I was almost six months pregnant he laughed and said "Oh fine then." I sat in the snow and made a snow baby. We tried to get a picture but my card wasn't in my camera, so we had to try again. In between getting the card, I killed the snow baby. :) Let's hope we don't do that for real when Ellie makes an appearance.

After I smashed Snow Baby. 

It's been nice to get to spend so much time with my Husband. We really do enjoy one another's company, and getting to spend the day with him was awesome. We had plans to decorate more baby onsies (pictures will come eventually, I had a lot of fun with them!) but that didn't happen. However, I will share this adorable picture of my husband and I.

And these pictures of things I have crafted for the smallish human that I have cooking.

I also got to see my mother in law and little sister in laws yesterday, they also are planning Owl crafts for our Ellie girl, which I'm pretty excited about. It was so cute to sit with them and plan and talk and pick out colors for the different owls (there is going to be more than one you know!). It was also fun to talk with my mother in law, because at the end of April we are moving in with them. It's a big step for them and us, and we could use the prayers as we all adjust. But it will be nice to be around family who loves and supports us, as well as having the opportunity to save lots of dollars.

I've also been shopping with my Mommy/Doula! We get really excited over baby clothes, it's a problem. We're trying to figure out which stroller/car seat system I like the best, and I have to admit to being a little picky about it. She's also coming to our next Midwife appointment to hear Ellie's heartbeat! I'm super excited about that for Grammy/because she's my Mommy/she's also my Doula. We also started birthing classes which I'm super excited about (this weeks class was cancelled because of Stormageddon!) and Mommy is coming to that class too after our appointment!

See, for as many bad days I have (and as bad as bad gets) I have more good days, and the bigger my belly grows, the more excited I get!

Tomorrow is Valentine's Day, and we're not gonna do much (that I know of........>.>) because we normally don't. Our first V Day together, he had strep, so we ate Burger King and watched Tangled. Last year was so crazy with Wedding planning (almost at a year!!!!) but he made me a lovely dinner and got me Daisy's. This year, I would be content with snuggles and soda. Why soda? Because it makes Ellie Girl super hyper, and we can both lay in bed and feel her. :)

The Art of Loss: The Stories We Hold Near And Dear

Here's what happens to me sometimes, I get these ideas. And they are ideas that are so far from what I think I know that they were planted there by someone else, who wants me to do whatever that idea is. Let me preface this blog post by telling you I've been thinking about and dreading it all morning. I tend to share a lot, people tell me its a gift, I think people are annoyed and want me to shut up about my feelings. Most of the time. Every now and again though, I realize that maybe someone else needs to hear my stories. Maybe they need validation, or strength, or just to know they aren't alone. We praise those who step up and step out and speak their minds, right?

What I want to share today is deeply personal. It's my Art. From a very painful time in my life. It hurts, and it feels weird, like I'm inviting people to look straight into what God only sees. It deeply rooted in my faith, and centers all around the dates June 25 and July 20. It has to do with infant loss, miscarriage, what happened in my heart after that. It's my story, and no one's will be the same. Keep that in mind. Know that this is a hard issue, for many woman, and I can't for the life of me figure out why I need to write about this now, when I'm almost 18 weeks pregnant with our second child. Lord willing the first baby we hold in our arms, but yes, our second child.

I found out I was pregnant June 25 2013, while serving at a summer camp. The day I found out, I made this in one of my art journals.

I express myself a lot through art, it's just the way things go for me. I need it, even during the times when i don't think I do. I remember one summer when I worked at a camp, we had a Bible Study based on art and our faith. We were given two sheets and asked to fill them, however we wanted, with a hard time in our life, and with where we were now. We were then asked to get in small groups and talk about our art. I ended up in a group with two beautiful humans who...understood when I started sobbing and couldn't explain. It was like my very soul on display. Talking about it...I couldn't. This just goes to show you that sharing these journal pages with you all, though it is not easy, is something I feel very compelled to do.

In the weeks that followed, I made more art for our little growing baby nugget.

 I don't think that any person prepares for what they never expect to happen. I knew woman lost babies, I knew miscarriage happened, it just...wasn't going to happen to me. But the truth is that it did. On July 20 2013 I was in an airplane with one the best young adult woman I have ever known, on our way home from a conference. I got up multiple times to use the bathroom, and there is where this terrible awful reality came to fruition. While on the plane, I pulled out my journal, and wrote this.

 What is says doesn't matter. Just know that in that moment, I needed to process what was happening to me. It was the hardest traveling day of my life. It's a terrible thing, when you want to save someone and can't do anything about it. I got home, my husband was gone for the week still. I called my best friend and she...was phenomenal. What she did for me that night I will never be able to replay. Never. Not...never.

In the weeks and months that followed I sank into this place of despair and to be very honest, doubt. How could this happen? Why did He, God, let babies die? What was the purpose of this? Didn't people tell me that He wouldn't give me more than I could handle? I couldn't handle this, I thought, they all lied to me. I accepted this water down concept that He said things would be easy. Never did. Not once.

So I did what I knew how to do, I made Art. I sketched and made cards for people. I stayed up late painting and drawing and creating. I cleaned and cried. I hurt. I called people and I begged them to give me answers they didn't have.

The biggest thing though, was that I felt like my faith had just run out. As though, I was Peter, out there in the ocean, holding my hand out to a Savior, knowing, knowing, that He could save me. In that split second that it takes for Jesus to reach out His hand, it can feel like eternity. It feels like you are just drowning. I would cry and think, "What if I'm just like Peter? Where is my faith now?"

 I listened to music on a CD that an amazing woman sent me. I particularly wore out the song "Doubting Thomas" by Nickel Creek. Over and over it played in my mind and my heart. If you know me, you know I have very strong beliefs, and I'm not afraid to tell people about them. It's part of who I am. This once though, I couldn't see, and I didn't know what to think. Me and God...Oh man...it's a good thing He forgives like He does.

 I felt like a fool, and it all hurt so much. And I couldn't...losing our baby like that affected me in ways that I never thought possible. I continued to draw and paint and craft my way through the woods.

 It took me a long time to be able to be in Church without crying. It took me a long time to be able to say, "I lost a baby." It took me a long time to be ok with the thought of ever being pregnant again. It took me months before I could look at my body without hating what it had done.

 I guess I just felt the need to tell other loss moms that they aren't alone. That one day, one day, maybe not today, or tomorrow, or ever, will you be able to think about your baby without crying. We mothers love so intensely, from the first moment, we just do. I made all of these things from a place of pain and hurt that went so far beyond words that I need to paint and craft them out.

I don't know where you are in your grief journey. I don't know if you lost a baby two days ago, three years ago, or 30 years ago. I do know you carry a piece of that baby's life in your heart. I know that you think about that baby, at night, when you're sad, when someone else goes through this terrible awful thing. I do know that you don't forget, and that you just never will. And I know what the Art of Loss looks like. I know the anguish in your soul as you pour your heart in something, anything to make it hurt less.

I hope, Momma's, that you can look at this Art, and take courage. I hope that you can see that though this sorrow lasts for a while, it does sting less with time. I hope that you see the turmoil in these pages, the suffering that they came from. I hope you know you aren't alone. I hope you know that babies can and will be brought into this world, and I hope that you can still embrace that fact. I know your journey of grief and loss won't look like mine, but Momma's, let it out so that it looks like something more than bitterness and anger that affects the people who love you so much.

This is the Art of Loss. This is my story. What's yours?