See I know a lot of woman who do pregnancy blogs, where they journal about how far along they are, how they are feeling, what they are excited about, that sort of thing. And I love reading these blogs. I always thought that I would be one of those woman who did this. I mean, why not? It's fun to share some of the thoughts and feelings we have, and invite others along for the journey.
However, I am not going to keep a pregnancy blog journal. I'm not going to tell you how many weeks I am or how I've been feeling, or what's been happening. Oh I'm sure I'll share things here and there, I can't help. I am excited about Baby Nugget. But the pregnancy part of this? Yeah, that part I'm kinda not so much in love with.
Let me explain. We found out I was pregnant, got excited, got a little scared, didn't tell people, continued to wait and see what the Lord had in store for us. Starting in the beginning of November, I got sick. Well I started to get sick. Really sick. I started missing work, and spent days laying in bed just praying that I wouldn't throw up again. I tried ginger, I tried food before I got out of bed, I tried small meals during the day, I tried food in the middle of the night. Nothing worked for me. I quickly became very very miserable.
It doesn't help that during this time I'm still scared that I might miscarry again, still scared that I will see that red where I don't want to, and dealing with hormonal changes that made me into a psycho. I tried drinking the tea that I knew would help. I tried drinking more water, and when I started to throw that up to, I started to get a little worried.
Here it was the month of November and everyone was talking about how Thankful they were for different things. I did not feel thankful, except for the life of the child that I was holding close to my heart. I felt angry and confused, and miserable. I felt isolated and like I would never, ever get through this. I felt like other woman were super excited for their babies, and here I was...someone who had experienced loss, who was not fawning over her child.
When I WOULD tell people I was sick and throwing up so much, I got a lot of "Well Praise God because it means your body is working!" I wanted to hurt those people...
It's hard to praise God when you are literally curled around a toilet. Or when you are afraid to move for fear of upsetting your stomach. Or when you are 12 hours away from your husband, your biggest supporter, throwing up a hamburger and crying because you just don't want to anymore. It's hard to be thankful for sickness, even though somewhere in my head, I knew I should be. It was hard Thanksgiving day to be thankful and happy to be with my husband when I threw up crackers, beef jerky, water, and steak. Eight times. That's how many times I threw up that day. No. I did not feel like praising anyone, I did not feel thankful.
I struggled a lot. Because I knew what it was like to loose the life inside you. I knew how helpless and scary that was, and here I was, each day with a small miracle growing inside me, and I couldn't be grateful, I couldn't be thankful. What kind of mother was I? Is this really how this was all going to go down? Was I really going to become one of those mothers who just hated being pregnant? I didn't want it to be me.
But the reality is that it was. I caught myself deleting things on Facebook that were just so negative. I had to be careful who I talked to because I didn't want to sound like I just hated this whole process. And it is just that, a process. I'm learning, picking up new habits, hoping old ones die, and praying that I continue to feel supported by my husband, our families, some pretty awesome Doula's I know, and one amazing Midwife.
So I can't, and won't keep a pregnancy journal. Because I need to forget this part. I need to forget how sick I was November and the beginning of December. I need to learn that it is ok that I needed help keeping things down, and that it is ok that I needed Zofran. I need to allow myself some grace and forgiveness, and stop being so hard on myself, to accept this reality.
What is that reality? I don't like being pregnant. I don't. But the best thing that someone has said to me this pregnancy I repeat to myself every time I throw up, or I let myself go to long without eating, because I need to hear it, over and over again.
"Not enjoying your pregnancy does NOT mean you do not love your baby."
I don't know why, but this was what I needed to hear. This is what was going on in my mind. That. That because I was so miserable, that because I hated being so sick, I thought, some where in my brain, that it meant I did not love my baby. Oh how the lies of the enemy slip in so easily! I don't struggle so much anymore. I take each day as it comes and remind myself that every day is a victory, because every day sine October 16 I have still been pregnant. Not a happy yay pregnant, but pregnant none the less.
Today is Christmas Eve. And I finally feel thankful. I feel thankful to a young woman who talked me through so many things, who listened to me tell her that I couldn't do it anymore, who came and cleaned my house because I just didn't feel up to it. I'm thankful for all the Doula's I know, who I can call, who listen to me, who talk me out of freaking out when I had a backache.I'm thankful for a long distance friend who knows where I am mentally, and reminds me of the truth, that I do love my baby. I'm thankful for a Midwife who talks to me on Facebook, I happen to think no OB/GYN would do that, and who gives me good advice, and pushes me to make good choices for me and my baby. I'm thankful for a Mommy who answers about a bajillion questions that I've had this past month or so. I'm thankful that my baby is alive, and that I felt the little nugget move, those little flutters that you can't understand until it happens to you. And I'm so thankful for a husband who gets up and goes to work when I can't, and then who comes home and takes care of me when I can't take care of myself. Thankful that he tells me to drink more water, and eat more snacks, and get up and MOVE. He's wonderful, he really is.
Merry Christmas Everyone. I hope you are all feeling the joy and love that I am feeling today. Even though I have to move slowly because I'm still afraid of throwing up. Even thought Christmas threw up in my house, and the dishes haven't been done. I am out of bed, and I didn't need to take my anti-nausea medication, and tonight I get to go spend time with my family.
I feel like myself this morning. I feel like myself, plus one tiny new life, and the wonder of that...is enough to be thankful for.
