One Week Later

It's my birthday tomorrow.
And I'm torn between celebrating the day of my birth, to hiding in my my house because I'm still grieving the loss of my child...

I don't know.
I don't know yet what we'll do.
My Beloved is HOME now, and I have to say, just having him in the house is so good for me. Just having him near me is good for me. I'm glad we live in this little apartment, because I would have been so very lost by myself at that big house in the mountain.
Each day, things get a little better. I don't cry as much as I used to, as much as I did this week.

There are so many other emotions right now though that I've never had to deal with that are just completely throwing me off. For example: other woman with children. Some people, I just can't handle. I don't want to be around them, I don't what to hear them complain, I don't want to care. As I said on my Facebook, this week I've become so incredibly grateful for a family that holds me up, a husband who supports and listens, and for friends who drop everything for me. When I hear ungrateful comments, though they are not personally directed towards me, it kills me. "Love you children," I said, "because at least you have them, some of us don't." And I stand by what I said.

I would give anything to still be exhausted. I would give anything to need naps at three o'clock because my body was working in growing a baby. I would even give anything to have morning sickness, or to have to pee every blessed three minutes. Anything. If you're a mother, hug your kids. Love them, because if you had lost one of them, you would feel the same way.

I'm also just trying to assimilate myself back into life, and I'm finding that to be harder than I thought it would be. Some days I still feel like I can't function. I get a call from my brothers wife everyday, just because she cares and she has to check up on me. I love her for it. I also called my oldest brothers wife who knows this pain. Our conversation went like this, me, "Today just sucks."
She said, "Yeah...yeah it does."
I think that was all I needed to hear from someone.

I'm not looking for answers, I'm not blaming God, what's the point in that? He didn't DO this. We live in a fallen world, a world where babies die in the womb, because yes, yes we are that far from the Lord and what He originally wanted. Makes me wonder if Eve, who was alive so close to Paradise, ever miscarried a baby? I don't know. I certainly hope not.

When my husband came home his biggest concern was that I wouldn't feel beautiful, that I wouldn't feel like he still wanted me. And to tell the truth, he was right. He had to spend some time in the past few hours and days convincing me that he still thinks I'm beautiful. I thought...I thought how could he when my body, this things he loves so much, has done something so ugly? I've been working on that one...he's been a huge help...

Having him home...I feel like I'm really ready to start to heal now. I just needed to hold onto him, to be near him, to hear HIM tell me that this wasn't my fault. Because there is head knowledge and heart knowledge, and sometimes the path between the two gets funky and messed up. There are a lot of things right now that I know, but I don't feel. Sometimes I think that's really what my husband does, he helps me align the two.

And here its time for my birthday. Part of me wants to skip it, the other part of me is ok with people telling me happy birthday, and a strange part of me wants to just hide. It's also Sunday and I didn't go to church last Sunday...not without my husband. I have this theory in my head that when I get there I'll just start crying again...just when I thought that I was done crying to. I can't live like that though, hiding just because bad things happen. Bad things are going to continue happening. There will be other times in our marriage where things kinda just suck a whole lot.

So we are going to church. And we are going to eat pie at a friends house to celebrate my birthday. And I am going to continue to grieve the only way I know how.

I think though, that there is a small part of my heart that will always be reserved for this baby. Because I wanted him or her...so much. And I just don't think something like that will ever go away...