A Beautiful Moment

I actually had this weird moment last night.

See I woke up, and started thinking. About too many things. Things that ya know, you would rather forget. As each day passes when my little girl grows, I can't help but think about who I hope she'll be. I can't help but think about mistakes I want to keep her from.

I'm laying there next to my husband, listening to him breath (makes me sound so creepy) and all these emotions run over me. And all these thoughts. The ones that creep up from Satan at three in morning to take us down, to hurt us. Thoughts like, you did to many bad things to deserve anything good, if he knew what really happened he wouldn't love you, did you really tell him all the truth? Those things that we push back and back and back, because to face them is to stand naked in front of a criticizing crowd.

I reached out and grabbed a hold of my husband, and I told myself some things that were true.

I'm not who I used to be.
He knows, he knows everything.
I've never kept anything from this man.
He married me, he loves me, he loves me, he loves me.

I called to mind our wedding, walking down the aisle in white, and feeling like for him, it wasn't a lie. Looking into his eyes while he said his vows, crying because I knew he meant it. Looking over his shoulder to see my little brother in tears, crying also, because of all people in my family, that kid knows. I called to mind when I started getting sick with Ellie, the concern on his face, the way he woke up with me to rub my back, the way he takes care of me.

This is real. This is what's real.

I breathed in, and let all those things from my past go. Hakunna Matata, right? I literally sang that song to myself at three in the morning to chase away the cob webs in my mind.  Slowly I released the grip I had on him and drifted off to sleep.

There are things that I have done that I won't be able to forget. I can't. I carry them deeply and close to my soul, because for a while there, I was Godless. But the amazing part of my story is that God...didn't give up....the amazing part of my story is that my husband....didn't give up.

And I can sleep at night, because who I am, who my daughter will know me to be, is someone so far from who I used to be. And that's beautiful.