My wedding rings are lose. How crazy is that? This little girl is all over the place, let me tell you. All these things that I have to do and need to do to stay healthy. In true mom fashion, I care more about her than I do myself. Which is why sometimes I get so scared.
This week we saw our midwife, who is just fantastic. She's been working on these affirmation cards for Moms, to be used by Dad's, Doula's, or to be given as gifts to Momma's who are preparing for some special work. She gave them to me for free. It's funny how sometimes people know exactly what you need when you need it.
We got in the car and I started to read them. I'll be honest, I cried. I tried to read some out loud to my husband, and my throat got that scratchy, you're gonna cry soon noise.
New mercies each day, each moment, hold on to this truth with all your might.
Take each thought captive, embrace the positive of the moment, cast away the negative.
Count all your blessings, then count them again.
Do not fear the unknown; it has no power over you or your situation right now.
Do not give into sadness and desperation for what you are going through today.
The best one?
You are not becoming a mother, you are a mother already.
It is very easy to be negative. And it has been very easy to slip into a woe is me type of thing. I don't feel good most of the time. I cry a lot, a lot a lot, and no, it's not just my hormones. I cry over things I can't control, I cry because I've lost officially 28 pounds, I cry because some days moving from my bed to the couch is to much. I cry because my husband is stressed out and we have bills that we never expected.
I cry for other reasons too. I cry because I have so much support. I cry because I have a church family who without judgement or condemnation said "Yeah, sure we can help with that!" I cry because my husband is the most loving beautiful person I will ever know and he has been so selfless and helpful during some of my darkness moments. I cry because I know he loves me, very very much and because if he could, he would take this from me. I cry because I know I can call my mother up, at any point, and she is so good for me, calms me down, reminds me that stress isn't good for our baby. I cry because my midwife knows how hard I'm trying to get proper nutrients and knows that when I can, I will, but right now, it's just hard.
Such an outpouring of love, brings me to place where I sit there at the Fathers feet and I just cry more. I don't say much to Him, He knows my heart. He knows where I'm at, He knows this place. He cried with me when I'm at the toilet, again, He rejoices with me on the days when I can go to work, or when i get things done. Or on the days when I decide not to live in fear.
I don't want people not think I'm not excited. The reality is we talk to Ellie every night, we tell her Good night. The truth is people sent her baby books and I sat on my bed and read to her. I have pintrest plans to decorate everything girly and pink and purple and all sorts of other cute things. I have burlap canvas that I have big plans for. I am so excited for Halloween, because even though she's gonna be little, it just means I get her candy! And she can be Cinderella and her actual God Mother can be her Fairy God Mother! I'm excited. I'm excited for my sister in law, who gets to come help someone else take care of THEIR baby (don't worry, she knows what I'm talking about!).
I can't wait to feel Eleanor move. I have a sinking suspicion I will just burst into tears. :) I did when I saw her at the ER. I did when we saw her heartbeat the first time, and when we first heard her heartbeat.
Thing I'm most looking forward to? The first time Blair holds his daughter. THAT, that is the thing I can't WAIT to see. :)
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