Difference Between What I Deserve and What I Am Blessed With

Alright people, after much consideration and coercion from a friend, I decided all the sudden I look pregnant. It's gotten so weird. In the past week it feels like a toaster, she just popped out! Here we are at 19, almost 20 weeks and I all the sudden feel pregnant. It's a real thing, don't judge. I DO want to take a FEW pictures so that when Ellie tries to convince us she was adopted, I can be like, "Um, no child, no. I was very much pregnant with you. Let me tell you stories!"

Here lately I had been feeling better. I got a lot done this week and was excited about how good I felt. Today however, there was a set back, which I have to admit, made me upset. I forget that sometimes, I don't have the answers, and no, I don't have this figured out. Bad days are just that. Bad days. Not months, and I have to and am trying to accept that.

I've been thinking a lot about the people who are so excited for us. People I haven't seen or talked to in years have suddenly found me and expressed how excited they are for us. I've gotten so many packages, and I'm so thankful. Truthfully, it helps. I have to keep reminding myself that she is real, and she is down there, and growing, and there is an end in sight. There is a baby, she is ours for a while, and we get to love her, for however long that might be.

One thing though that people keep saying to me that keeps ringing around in my ears though is this phrase, "No one deserves a baby more than you Maddie." Or "You and Blair deserve to have a baby." I know what they mean, and I accept what they are saying, but I'll be honest, I don't agree.

I don't think any one person deserves a child, or a baby. I think they're blessings. No matter how long you have them for, we all know how I feel about that. :) But let me make this clear, if we're talking about things I deserve, guarding and bringing a life into this world is not one of them. I'm unworthy of this honor, to be a Mother, to make a life with my Husband, to be pregnant at all. Why, you might ask. Well, I'm a terrible human. No no, you don't understand, I really am. Ask my younger siblings, they'll tell you JUST how mean I am. Ask my Husband, he can tell you my short comings (he won't, because he loves me, but he could!). Ask my own parents, ask the countless friends that I've let down.

I feel that I have been granted this incredible honor to be pregnant. It reminds me a lot of my Faith, and my Savior and the way He saved us. You don't have to agree, that's fine. I'm not pushing this on y'all people. I'm just saying, I have done nothing to deserve His love, grace, forgiveness, mercy, compassion. Nothing. And that's how I feel about this little girl who seems to enjoy sitting right on my bladder. 

I've done nothing worthwhile to deserve her. I've done nothing that makes me into a great or good person, as most, I'm mediocre. I really am. I'm so mean. And I can be, believe it or not, VERY pessimistic. Yet here I am, almost half way done with my pregnancy, supporting this tiny (but getting BIGGER) life that grows and grows.

Oh man it blows my mind some days. Even on days like to day where I did get sick again and couldn't move a lot, it was ok. You know why? I'm starting to feel her move. She kicked me. Little snot that she is, she kicked me. I was laying next to my husband who works 40 hours to support us, holding his hand and I just tightened my grip. He looked over and said, "What is it?" I just smiled and smiled. I can feel her now. So long as she's not punching my bladder, me and her can have fun with this.

Certain things in this world we don't ever deserve. No one person deserves a baby over someone else. I'm not more deserving than anyone else. I can think of so many people I would rather see pregnant right now than myself, I'll be honest. I can think of fellow moms who've longed for babies longer than me, who went through things I couldn't imagine, who deserve a baby more than I do. I can think of friends who have longed in their hearts, to have babies and for whatever reason they had to wait, who deserve a baby more than I do. I can think of people who deserve babies and they don't even know it!

So no, no I don't deserve our Ellie. I don't. Neither does my husband. But oh, oh oh oh, we are blessed with her. Every day she lives we are blessed with her. And that right there, no matter how I feel, is what I cling to.

Just like I have to cling to the cross when I don't feel I deserve His love. Because no, I don't deserve His love, but oh, oh oh oh, I am blessed with it.