Part Two: Chapter Five: "I Can't Give Myself Grace"

I am waiting for nine thirty. At nine thirty I can give Dean his Flecanide and then curl up in bed next to my little snuggle buddy.

Ellie watched too much TV today. No one, including myself, got dressed today. We hung out in our pajama's. At one point, Dean was asleep and I was falling asleep on and off on the couch while Ellie "watched" (I use that term loosely, there were many wipes lost to this 30 minute time period) Daniel Tiger and Masha and the Bear.

This weekend one of the pastors at our church came and took care of the yard for us. It is no longer a jungle. It is amazing to see people physically being the hands and feet of Jesus. I am trying to wait patiently during this time...because I want to one day help others the way that we have been helped. It feels awful not being able to give back. Seasons. I remind myself this is a season.

I am learning what it truly means to give yourself grace. What I've found is that I suck at it. I don't want to give myself grace. I don't know how to. Which is why I rely so heavily on my Heavenly Father. The grace I could "give" to myself is crap. The Grace He can give me is infinite and glorious.

His grace knows when I am at the worst point in my day. When I look around and think of the million things I wish I could do. When I look longingly at my "art corner" and wish I could work in an art journal, or a painting, or just sit there in general. Alone. My heart in these times is selfish and self-seeking...

His grace meets me when my son wants only to be held and I remind myself how for a month straight I couldn't hold him and it hurt my soul deeply. Grace happens at the crossroads of "this is what I wanted" and "this is your reality". It allows me to listen to my sons crying and remember that he was silent for so long. There are blessings in his screams.

Grace rubs my back when I am changing yet another diaper, Ellie kicking her feet in the air, running from me because she thinks its a game, the only one I have "time" to play with her. Grace knows that I feel guilty for not doing more with here and for her. As though I am trying to catch up on 70 plus days where I was without her. As though I can take back the months I missed seeing her grow. When my mom understands the way she talks more than I do.

In the middle of the night when my eyes are heavy and my heart is missing Blair and Dean is screaming yet again and I don't know how to help settle him, Grace finds me, hugs me, tells me that yes, dawn will come. We will make it through another night. It tells me that I am not a bad mother...this is whispers frequently and lovingly to my wounded mama soul.

I cannot give myself grace. I do not have the mental capacity nor the fortitude to do so. I am too tired. I am to concentrated on making sure I don't hurt my little girls heart by being to abrupt with her. By dismissing her needs...when she so clearly still needs me. Finding the balance between my two children, especially given Deans heart, has been challenging and trying and daunting and exhausting.

And it has been beautiful. To see him look up at his sister and stop to study her. To see her pat her lap and ask for her "Deedo". To hear her pray at night for the people she loves, Grammy, Grumpy, Mama, Daddy, Deedo, Uncle John, Kackie, Abbie, and usually Daddy again.

At the end of the day I do what I think every mother does: their best. And sometimes (everyday, really...) their best falls so short of what God intended. As we all do. This is where His beautiful, life saving, soul soothing Grace steps in. A reminder. I do not have to be enough because Christ is enough in me. It is a balm to my soul on these days where I feel I have failed my children.

Do not give yourselves Grace, oh my Mama-In-The-Trenches friends, my struggling to conceive, my first time mama friends and third time mama friends, ASK Him for it. Rely on His Grace. His Grace is not flawed or marred. The price that comes with it is that you surrender your lives to Him. Rest in Him. Find Love and Strength and Grace through him.

Realize that none of us, no matter where we are in this life, can do it on our own.