Every now and again I have this thought, "Lord, why my son? Why my family? Why us? Why me?"
I can't help it, it's in my nature (the human part of it anyways). I've been working on taking my thoughts captive (shout out to Katharine for holding me accountable for real and entering into an awesome discipleship relationship with me) and the last time I had this thought, we were in church.
It popped in there while we were singing Christmas songs. It's a normal happening in December. You hear them all over. When did I stop listening to them though?
We sing about a King come down from His throne, about a Father letting go of His son, of angels, and Emmanuel. On the radio we question, Mary, did you know?
Did she?
I think about Mary a lot right now. Especially after having Ellie, even after we were pregnant with our first baby. I think about the way the Nativity is portrayed and how it all always seems too perfect to me.
Labor was awesome, but it was hard. I looked a hot mess afterwards. Most woman do. I believe Mary did. When they laid Ellie on my chest in all her grossness and glory, it was awesome. I wonder if that's how it looked for Mary.
I wonder if she had problems getting Jesus to latch on and nurse. I wonder if Joseph knew what to do to help her while in labor, like Blair knew how to help me. I wonder if a Midwife was found to attend Mary or if she went for it like some of my friends have. I wonder when she started crying, because Lord knows, at some point she probably did.
I wonder if she thought about these things while Jesus was on the cross. I wonder if it ever entered her mind "Why my son?"
How could she know while she was in the throes of laboring to bring Him to this world that He would save it? How could she know that while she nursed Him as an infant, I would pray to Him for strength when my son was diagnosed with something that, though can be helped with surgeries, would affect him for the rest of his life? I don't think she had any idea. I don't think she could have carried that...
I think Mary was like me. I think she had her moments. I think she had good days and bad days and watching her son die on a cross for loads of people who she didn't even know might not have been a good day for her. I hope she took her thoughts captive though. I hope she caught that one and changed it like I did.
Why my son?
Why NOT my son? Why CAN'T God use this for His glory? Why WOULDN'T He chose my little family to point to Him during this crazy ride?
Believe me, I have my days and moments. I talk about this a lot right now. I'm researching Congenital Heart Defects and Hydro-plastic Left Heart Syndrome and finding out that it's really not that common. I'm finding out that yes, there are surgeries to help our son, but that he might always have issues.
I am going to fight though, to keep in mind that God does what He wants. And my response is to bring Glory to Him. No matter the circumstances.
Or maybe today was just a good day.
Maybe tomorrow won't be.
Maybe the day Jesus was crucified was a bad day for Mary.
But Oh Man...Oh Man, she was around the day He came back.
And that, my friends, was a good day indeed.
Showing posts with label people. Show all posts
Showing posts with label people. Show all posts
Tuesday, December 15, 2015
Thursday, March 20, 2014
Mental Health
I hope there is always room in my life for random trips to the beach with my best friends. I hope that I always remember that sometimes, you have to forget what's going on, and just go. I hope that I always remember Adventures, and Talks, and Walks, and Singing out loud in the car.
I feel refreshed and renewed this week, and it's all because of my weekend. I had two very good friends take the time to take the time for me.
See I've been waiting 40 weeks for a certain day to come around. While this may not seem so big to others it was big to me. I'm an emotional person, I wear my heart on my sleeve, I cry openly, and I get angry openly. If I am passionate about something, I'm open about it. So when, this Friday, I celebrated the "what could have been" I needed to have a few moments.
It didn't help that Blair was gone at Drill, again, during this time. I have two very beautiful people though, who instead of letting me be alone and sad, said "Hey, let's have an Adventure." Really what it turned out to be was a Mental Health Trip. I need those. We need those. You need those, even if you don't think that you do.
Basically, we got to go be. To just exist somewhere else, where no one knew our names, where no one knew why we were there.
I sat on the beach and felt small. I sat there and soaked in the sunshine because I'll be honest, the worst part of winter, for me, is that there is less sunshine. I love me some Vitamin D friends. So I took it, all that I could to store up for days like Sunday and Monday, when it snowed.
Grief in and of itself is such a hard thing. Doing it alone is even harder. Me? I have friends and family who rallied around me and made me feel so much less alone. These two? It's like they know that sometimes, I just don't want to talk about it. And sometimes I do. And sometimes it means nothing. And sometimes it means everything. Sometimes things are just so big and you can't handle it. Sometimes you need to run away to the Beach.
See, I'm gonna have a little one (on the outside of me) soon. It won't be so easy to just drop it all and go. It won't be so easy to stop thinking. And even when I do manage to find someone to watch the little booger (I have plenty of people who would...ahem...Grammy and Grumpy) I know I would be a little sad the whole time being without her. I'm taking advantage of these last few months of being just a Maddie, because I am selfless enough to know that when she comes, it all changes.
I feel refreshed and renewed this week, and it's all because of my weekend. I had two very good friends take the time to take the time for me.
See I've been waiting 40 weeks for a certain day to come around. While this may not seem so big to others it was big to me. I'm an emotional person, I wear my heart on my sleeve, I cry openly, and I get angry openly. If I am passionate about something, I'm open about it. So when, this Friday, I celebrated the "what could have been" I needed to have a few moments.
It didn't help that Blair was gone at Drill, again, during this time. I have two very beautiful people though, who instead of letting me be alone and sad, said "Hey, let's have an Adventure." Really what it turned out to be was a Mental Health Trip. I need those. We need those. You need those, even if you don't think that you do.
Basically, we got to go be. To just exist somewhere else, where no one knew our names, where no one knew why we were there.
I sat on the beach and felt small. I sat there and soaked in the sunshine because I'll be honest, the worst part of winter, for me, is that there is less sunshine. I love me some Vitamin D friends. So I took it, all that I could to store up for days like Sunday and Monday, when it snowed.
Grief in and of itself is such a hard thing. Doing it alone is even harder. Me? I have friends and family who rallied around me and made me feel so much less alone. These two? It's like they know that sometimes, I just don't want to talk about it. And sometimes I do. And sometimes it means nothing. And sometimes it means everything. Sometimes things are just so big and you can't handle it. Sometimes you need to run away to the Beach.
See, I'm gonna have a little one (on the outside of me) soon. It won't be so easy to just drop it all and go. It won't be so easy to stop thinking. And even when I do manage to find someone to watch the little booger (I have plenty of people who would...ahem...Grammy and Grumpy) I know I would be a little sad the whole time being without her. I'm taking advantage of these last few months of being just a Maddie, because I am selfless enough to know that when she comes, it all changes.
Sunday, February 16, 2014
It's All Good
Over the course of the past couple of weeks, I've been thinking about a lot of things that I've seen or read in the great wide internets. I've gathered ideas from people, from their blogs, from posts of Facebook, from articles, and from my own writings and ramblings. I had a moment of clarity today in Church where I realized what it all really boils down too.
Are you ready?
Here's what it comes down to: God made all these different people physically, but He also made all these different personalities, and you know what? I like who I am.
Let's delve deeper into this thought process, hopefully it makes sense. :)
See, I'm an emotional person. When I get worked up about something, I cry or get really loud about it. When I hurt, I don't hide it, and when I think something, most of the time I share it. I wear my heart on my sleeve, people don't have to guess where they stand with me, they normally know. I don't spend a lot of time around people who get under my skin, and I try to share my opinions in a well mannered way (sometimes, this doesn't work, I never said I'm perfect, I'm still letting God work in me). I am very vulnerable, I tend to share things that have happened to me openly and honestly.
I was thinking about a time at camp when I turned 21. That was the Summer of Project Six. My best friend (who was later in my wedding) gave me a box of 21 things, all in increments of six (six ping-pong balls, six coloring pages, six fly swatters, stuff like that...). As I opened that box in front of my fellow staff members, I openly and honestly wept, and then proceeded to bare my heart to them. Told them what "six" meant to me, and how I'd been working on some things that God really needed to address in my life. It was a big deal, and some people don't handle vulnerability so well. I don't mind. In fact, thinking about that time makes me smile, it was beautiful. It was healing for me.
I like to post stupid Facebook statuses. I like to tell stupid stories about things that we, or I, do. I don't mind telling people when a bad day is a bad day. I like to tell them when a good day is a good day. One Mother's Day I sat at a restaurant and cried because I was asking my parents to forgive me for years of acting out and being a poop to them. My Mom said, "Maddie, it's ok, if you're crying, we know it's important to you." I love that she told me that.
I was sitting in Church thinking about these experiences and I just smiled because, you know, God made all these personalities. How much fun does he have doing this?! I read a blog post from another "camp" friend who was talking about her two children, and how different they are and how beautiful it is,and I just thought, she's right. All these people, all these different ways of handling things. Where I am loud and outspoken, my husband is quieter and more analytically, and it's all so beautiful. Two of my best friends have the same mental problems and didn't get along for a long time, and finally a certain little girl brought them together, and it's beautiful. So alike and so different. All these things, all these people!
Why do we act like personalities are diseases? Shouldn't we embrace and rejoice in what God has created? There are people who don't get me, and there are people that I don't get. And that's ok. There are people who think that I should keep my emotions in check and not share so openly about things, and there are people who I wish would share more who don't, and that's all ok. We are different, beautifully and wonderfully different and I hope and pray that my daughter knows this one day.
She's being created, right now, right in my womb, becoming a person with eyes and teeth and hands and organs. And I just thought...she's also becoming her own person. Will she be emotional and explosive like me, her Momma (Oh Lord help us all!) or will she be quiet and analytic like her Daddy? Will she have his focus and mood problems? Will she wear her heart on her sleeve? Can I protect her if she does? See, we don't know. But God does.
God knows.
It was such a neat thought to know that He knows her personality. That He knows my personality, that He delights in all of our personalities. We are all so fearfully and wonderfully made.
I just decided today that I will never run from this person that I have become. I will never stop telling you when a bad day is bad (And when it is, man, I just feel like my world is ending...) or when a day is good (and when it is man, I just feel like I'm on cloud nine...). I will always want to tell people goofy stories about Blair and I, and eventually Ellie, and eventually and Lord Willing, the other children He blesses us with. I hope and pray that I can learn to take delight in all these personalities, just like my Heavenly Father.
You know, there are seven kids in my family, and none of us are the same. We are all so brilliantly different, our spouses are so amazingly different, and my nieces and nephew are all so wonderfully different. Sure, some of share the same characteristics (my big brother Nate and I could be twins...and Josh and Evie are two peas in a pod..) but it's so wonderful. I'm thinking it would have been pretty boring for us if we were all alike. Not to mention my parents would have been bored out of their mind, we certainly made life interesting for them. Especially me and Josh...we used to fight a lot. :)
But the point is I like myself. I like who God has made me.
And I like that God made all these different people. I wish that we could all just see that in one another, and celebrate it. We aren't all alike. We don't think alike. And it's ok.
Really, truthfully, it's all good. :)
Are you ready?
Here's what it comes down to: God made all these different people physically, but He also made all these different personalities, and you know what? I like who I am.
Let's delve deeper into this thought process, hopefully it makes sense. :)
See, I'm an emotional person. When I get worked up about something, I cry or get really loud about it. When I hurt, I don't hide it, and when I think something, most of the time I share it. I wear my heart on my sleeve, people don't have to guess where they stand with me, they normally know. I don't spend a lot of time around people who get under my skin, and I try to share my opinions in a well mannered way (sometimes, this doesn't work, I never said I'm perfect, I'm still letting God work in me). I am very vulnerable, I tend to share things that have happened to me openly and honestly.
I was thinking about a time at camp when I turned 21. That was the Summer of Project Six. My best friend (who was later in my wedding) gave me a box of 21 things, all in increments of six (six ping-pong balls, six coloring pages, six fly swatters, stuff like that...). As I opened that box in front of my fellow staff members, I openly and honestly wept, and then proceeded to bare my heart to them. Told them what "six" meant to me, and how I'd been working on some things that God really needed to address in my life. It was a big deal, and some people don't handle vulnerability so well. I don't mind. In fact, thinking about that time makes me smile, it was beautiful. It was healing for me.
I like to post stupid Facebook statuses. I like to tell stupid stories about things that we, or I, do. I don't mind telling people when a bad day is a bad day. I like to tell them when a good day is a good day. One Mother's Day I sat at a restaurant and cried because I was asking my parents to forgive me for years of acting out and being a poop to them. My Mom said, "Maddie, it's ok, if you're crying, we know it's important to you." I love that she told me that.
I was sitting in Church thinking about these experiences and I just smiled because, you know, God made all these personalities. How much fun does he have doing this?! I read a blog post from another "camp" friend who was talking about her two children, and how different they are and how beautiful it is,and I just thought, she's right. All these people, all these different ways of handling things. Where I am loud and outspoken, my husband is quieter and more analytically, and it's all so beautiful. Two of my best friends have the same mental problems and didn't get along for a long time, and finally a certain little girl brought them together, and it's beautiful. So alike and so different. All these things, all these people!
Why do we act like personalities are diseases? Shouldn't we embrace and rejoice in what God has created? There are people who don't get me, and there are people that I don't get. And that's ok. There are people who think that I should keep my emotions in check and not share so openly about things, and there are people who I wish would share more who don't, and that's all ok. We are different, beautifully and wonderfully different and I hope and pray that my daughter knows this one day.
She's being created, right now, right in my womb, becoming a person with eyes and teeth and hands and organs. And I just thought...she's also becoming her own person. Will she be emotional and explosive like me, her Momma (Oh Lord help us all!) or will she be quiet and analytic like her Daddy? Will she have his focus and mood problems? Will she wear her heart on her sleeve? Can I protect her if she does? See, we don't know. But God does.
God knows.
It was such a neat thought to know that He knows her personality. That He knows my personality, that He delights in all of our personalities. We are all so fearfully and wonderfully made.
I just decided today that I will never run from this person that I have become. I will never stop telling you when a bad day is bad (And when it is, man, I just feel like my world is ending...) or when a day is good (and when it is man, I just feel like I'm on cloud nine...). I will always want to tell people goofy stories about Blair and I, and eventually Ellie, and eventually and Lord Willing, the other children He blesses us with. I hope and pray that I can learn to take delight in all these personalities, just like my Heavenly Father.
You know, there are seven kids in my family, and none of us are the same. We are all so brilliantly different, our spouses are so amazingly different, and my nieces and nephew are all so wonderfully different. Sure, some of share the same characteristics (my big brother Nate and I could be twins...and Josh and Evie are two peas in a pod..) but it's so wonderful. I'm thinking it would have been pretty boring for us if we were all alike. Not to mention my parents would have been bored out of their mind, we certainly made life interesting for them. Especially me and Josh...we used to fight a lot. :)
But the point is I like myself. I like who God has made me.
And I like that God made all these different people. I wish that we could all just see that in one another, and celebrate it. We aren't all alike. We don't think alike. And it's ok.
Really, truthfully, it's all good. :)
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