Chapter Six: "Celebrate the Highs and Pray through the Lows"

Blair and I have a lot time to talk right now. We cover a wide variety of things and a lot of what I start to think about stems from that.

Today we were, of course, talking about our son.

I was asking him if I seemed to pessimistic, and he said that at times, yes, I am. I thought I was being realistic about what all is happening, but Blair just said "Sometimes, I wish you would be less...scared and more trusting." (Maybe not in those exact words, but that's what I got from his tone and as we talked more, I think this was what he was trying to say.)

As we drove home from the hospital tonight I wondered "Is this what Love really looks like?"

Let me back up here...

I didn't think a lot about this time while we were pregnant. I knew in my head that we would spend a lot of time at the hospital. I knew that it would be hard to see my son go through these surgeries. I knew that I wouldn't get to hold him like I wanted, or feed him like I wanted for a while. I accepted it.

But I didn't let it sink in, and I think this, in the end, worked against me.

Here is the truth. Cold and hard and fact: I was afraid of loving my son too much.

Afraid that if I gave my whole heart into loving him he would never wake up. Afraid, every single step of the way, that at some point we would receive that call. The one every parent dreads when they are away from their children. Oh the trust that Mama's must put in others and in God...

It was easier, for a time, to remain aloof, to think in facts, to make light of the good days, brushing them off. In my mind good news was fleeting and I was waiting waiting waiting for something that might never happen. I watched my husband and my family and his family celebrate every mile stone, as small as they might be, but my heart couldn't commit to celebrating with them. It was too afraid.

My sister in law, one of them, texted me the other day. I hope she doesn't mind me sharing this, but it's been resounding like drums in my heart ever since I read it. She said "...It makes me miss everyone more than I usually do but at the same time I feel closer to everyone as we all come together to celebrate the highs and pray through the lows."

Here is my family celebrating every weaned medicine, every open eye, every single bit of good news and here I was, his Mama, holding back. Waiting for the bad. Expecting it. Preparing for it.

Is this what real Love really is?

Committing to the highs and the lows? Embracing every single beautiful moment, moving forward, and truly loosing your heart to another human?

It's still widely thought that love doesn't hurt. Because I'm in a real place and because I can, I'm calling BS.

Yeah...yeah it would hurt to lose my son. Yeah it hurts every time I watch him struggle to cry. Yeah it hurts every time I see his blood pressure go up and can't do anything about it. Yeah it hurt to see him cut open, his heart beating there in his chest, pale, and un-moving except for that beating. Yeah it hurt to not be able to hold him. Yeah it hurt that he didn't move or open his eyes for ten days. Yes. Yes this type of love is so big and so crazy and so wonderful that it hurts.

Tonight I helped change his diaper twice. I...why is it so important and significant that I changed my sons diaper? Because he is my son and I love him and this is the first time I have changed his diaper.

Tonight I rubbed my lips and nose on his precious little head. I sang him songs that I sing to his sister and read my favorite psalms to him. Why is this so important and significant?

Because tonight, I just...I just stopped holding back. I just finally felt like this is my baby and this is his life and yes, yes scary things might happen with him. I just finally opened my heart to him and welcomed him in there no matter how much it hurts or might hurt. I don't want my son to remember all his life that his mom thought he was too fragile to love.

Let me repeat that, more for me than you.

I don't want my son to remember all his life that his mom thought he was too fragile to love.

He got his feeding tube put in today and he got the colostrum I worked and worked for. It just...felt like...Christmas morning and my Birthday and his Birthday and every other significant day ever. It felt big. So so big. And I celebrated and was excited and won't shut up about how beautiful he is and wonderful it is to see his eyes and stroke his hair and rub his legs and to sing to him and hear him calm...

Is this what Love really looks like?

Yeah. Love is celebrating the highs and praying through the lows and opening your heart to the possibility that it will be crushed like never before. It's so big and wonderful that it doesn't matter. It will never matter that my son might end up being the one who breaks my heart or that my daughter could break my heart...children have an amazing hold on their mama's. Whether they are on this side of Heaven or not.

My mind drifts back to Jesus on the cross. It drifts there a lot. His heart, God's heart, broke for us all that day. Sinners everyone. We, as children, have the ability to hurt the Lord like no other and He STILL did it for us, still gave up His life. It is important to remind myself: my children hold only pieces of my heart, my God holds all of it. And He has some strong super glue. With that glue I can love and love freely, no matter what might or might not happen, because the Lord can always glue the pieces of my heart back together and make it even more beautiful.

As we get older...we start to see love in new ways. I just never thought my children would teach me so much. I just had no inkling that my son, this barely two week old baby, would be able to teach me more about love in those barely two weeks than I've learned in three years of marriage.

Love is celebrating the highs and praying through the lows and opening your heart, no matter the circumstances. It's not just children either, husbands, wives, parents, siblings, friends all have the ability to hurt you so deeply that you think you won't be able to bounce back.

I refuse to live with my heart closed to love. Refuse to act like just because someone has the ability to hurt me (whether on purpose, or just through circumstances) that I won't love them.

It's Big and Wonderful and Scary and Awesome. It's Highs and Lows and every step in between.

And worth it.

Love is worth it.

Something Old, New, Borrowed, and Blue!

So this month got a little bit crazy. (No kidding you might say, considering I'm getting married NEXT WEEK!? WHAT!? WHO KNEW!?) But I'm still trying hard not to neglect this little blog of mine. I've been waiting for something that I really REALLY wanted to write about though. And you know what? Tonight I found it!

I'm still trying to write about this whole getting married process, still as a way to remember all the things that are going on right now and all the feels that I have. Yes, I said feels. You must deal with this. This month has been full of feels. Good ones and bad ones and angry ones and for the first week of the month, stressed ones. It's gotten better. This week I realized I'm getting married at the end of next week and got stupidly excited. There is no other way to say that. :)

As every good bride knows, there's a rhyme that one must adhere to. Some brides might not, but those silly traditions are things that I love. And I'm excited about all my things so I figured I'd tell you about each thing and the why of each thing. Let's start!

Something Old
My Mom's Mom, my Mawmaw won't be at my wedding. At first, because I am, as we all are, a selfish human being, upset about this. I wanted them so badly to make a way to get to my wedding. I love my Mawmaw and Pappaw. I love them very much and very deeply, and it feels like to long since I have seen them. So I decided tonight, that in honor of one of the most amazing woman I know, that I wear earrings that she gave to me. Opal earrings that will fit into the second holes in my ears. My something old. A tribute, however small, to someone who means so much to me.

Something New
My dress! Duh! Let me tell you something, when they tell you that the dress chooses the bride and that when you know, you know, it's the truth! My dress was the second one I tried on, and we all knew! We you might ask? My Momma, my two big sisters (sister-in-law really, but I love them to much for them to be in-laws) and a what, five day old baby? That's right! My five day old niece helped me pick out my wedding dress! I can't wait to tell baby Izzie that she was there when I found that dress! We found it in Tennessee when we were there to meet that new little girl.  My ring was still brand new, we hadn't set a date yet, and we had to send my Daddy a picture of me in my dress through a pic text. He was so wonderful. I think what really made that day so special was my Daddy's support, and the look on my Momma's face when he told her I could get it. Every girl deserves to feel like a Princess on her wedding day. I never thought I wanted that so much until that silly dress. Every time I see it, and wear it, or think about it, I think about my Daddy. How much he loves me. How much I'll miss him...even though I'll be down the street. That dress is more like a symbol of love form my Family, so it means so much more to me.

Something Borrowed
This one took a while. Tonight I sat at the kitchen table with my mom and little sisters, talking about wedding things. I had my computer upstairs and we were listening to songs for the Reception. My little sister Evie was doing my hair, because she IS doing my hair the day of my wedding. (Apparently I haven't been around to let her play and that was stressing her out! Poor girl!) After we finally figured it out, and I'm trying my dress on, and we're talking about this, I ask them if any of them have a simple cross necklace. Evie pips up and says, "I do!" So my something borrowed is from my little sister! I love it! I love that so many things in my wedding are from people that I love. And that little necklace looks like it was made just for me to wear. :)

Something Blue
Super excited about this one! My shoes are my something blue! While wandering around Target a few months ago I saw these wonderful slippers that looked like moccasins, they were warm and fuzzy and had sequins! I exclaimed, "Babe! Those are my wedding shoes!" So many women wear those simple white slippers on their wedding, so why shouldn't I wear my blue ones!? And if you know me, you know I don't even LIKE shoes, not really, and I have like three pair of slippers that I wear all over the place. I should really stop that...:)

Also, just so everyone can know and be proud, I haven't bitten my nails at all.this month. Not even ONCE. (I'm a nail biter, be PROUD!)

I'll try to pretend that I'll write more before my wedding, but I might not. And I probably won't be writing on my HONEYMOON, so if y'all don't hear from me until March, just know I'm not dead yet. :)

Blessed Is a Weak Word

This is just a reminder to myself to blog about the Wedding Shower I got on Sunday! It was amazing, and even more amazing that two of my three older sisters were able to drive up for it! I got to see my nieces and nephews, I got blessed with some amazing things for my house, and I had a blast!

I have decided that integrating myself with my Beloveds family might not be as easy as I want it to be. Some times you just meet people you might not like. :) It's a process, and it might take a while for his family to get to truly know me, just as it might take a while for my family to truly know Blair. I'm just waiting for the day they all try to surprise him with something and he completely flips out on them. My Beloved is not the biggest big surprise person. He likes plans. He likes to know things. :)

I would also like to take a second to talk about some of the gifts I received. There were a few good ones that I know I will never forget. A yellow Keaurig that I did NOT think any one would buy for me, I love it! And I am already making good use of it. Those same sisters in law (who are probably the only two that really read what I write) made me a picture for my marital bedroom. Remember that time I went on and on about bible verses in my bed room? They remembered that, and crafted for me a sing that says "I am my Beloved's and his desire is for me." I might have teared up at that. That people read these little words means so much to me. Love in action. :)  My Aunt gave me tiny squirrel salt and pepper shakers, the weight of this goes back to when I was probably 14. I got a cross stitch from the sister of the young man I work with, and their mother was there, even though I knew she was hurting. It is a testament to how much they love me.

You might also recall a post about butterflies. And the song that goes along with those thoughts and feelings. I had a friend give me a photo album with those lyrics written in the front cover (once again proof that someone reads this). I had yet another friend give me a candle holder that says (As for me and my house, we will serve the Lord." I'm a sucker for the sentiment. If it makes me cry, I'll never forget it.

A beautiful young woman also gave me pictures. Pictures of me, of my Beloved. We played together on the train tracks, and she caught a couple of amazing photographs of me and my Beloved. I love those pictures. I love her more. She was there, and that was the best thing since sliced bread.

Blessed is not strong enough word to describe how I felt this weekend.It's a weak word. It doesn't even begin to cover it. Even now I want to drop to my knees and thank the Lord that He provides me with such amazing wonderful loving people.

To those of you who came out, thank you, you are treasured, and may God bless you for the influence you were in my life. 

I'm including in this post a song that has been stuck in my head for the past three weeks. It just touches my heart, and makes my heart happy. I hope it does the same for you. :)