Expectations and Reality: Hyperemesis

Ohhhhhh life. How fun it is. How crazy and exciting and weird. And so full of reality. Harsh and brutal reality.

I've lost close to thirty pounds since the beginning of November. I have thrown up once, if not several times, every single week since that same time. I have been to Urgent Care once, and the ER once. I have had IV fluids put into my arms, and had a doctor tell me that I really need to take it easy. I have been told to drink more water, and eat more protein. I have been told to take/eat/suck on/use ginger. None of this has helped me. Not one bit.

I don't want advice anymore. Not unless you know what hyperemesis is and you have gone through it. Stop telling me (if you are not my health care provider) what I should and shouldn't be doing. Or if you aren't my husband. Because my case is different. And it's not just morning sickness. It's a real life thing, that I need medication to help me with or I'm going to end up back in the hospital with IV's stuck in my arms again.

Expectations and Reality. Here is what I (And most people) expected:

• If you eat before you get out of bed, you won't get sick. 
• If you eat more protein you will feel better. 
• If you drink more water, you will feel better. 
• If you do X Y Z, then you will feel better. 
• After 12 weeks, vomiting and sickness usually goes away. 

Here's Reality:

• It did not matter what I ate or how much I ate, I would still throw it up. 
• I would wake up in the middle of the night and throw up all the water that I had drunk the day before. 
• Some times I would move the wrong way and have to get sick. 
• I have missed more work in the past two months that I ever have in my entire life. 
• I got scared to eat because throwing up food, before your body has been given a chance to digest it, is pretty much awful. 
• I could not cook or clean. My house is constantly not to my own expectations, and I can't, CAN'T go in my kitchen. I can't. CAN NOT. Let me make this very clear, dirty dishes, make me vomit. The smell of cooking meat that I can't get away from, makes me vomit. Get the picture?
• Anything can set this off. Anything. My husbands deodorant, drinking to fast, moving to fast, sitting up...anything. 

We don't plan for these things. We don't like to think about these things. I guess in my head, I just wanted to be pregnant, and after losing our first, I placed even higher expectations on myself. I should be able to take care of the life that has been blessed to me, right? I fell into this theory that I could be pregnant, sick, and my house would still look beautiful all the time. I let myself give into this lie that I would make it from one room to another and still be ok. Sometimes, most of the time, those were to high expectations for myself. 

Some days, all I can expect from myself is, get dressed. Shower. And then I need another nap. Some times all I can expect and hope is that I make it to a toilet or a pot before I throw up. I have Christmas, Thanksgiving, and Halloween decorations still up. They might be up until Easter. I have baby stuff strewn all over our apartment. Nothing feels organized. Nothing feels like how I would like my house to look. I'm not talking about it being spotless. But...Halloween decorations? Really? And I worry about leaving dishes in the sink because bugs. Ewwwwww. 

The Reality of this pregnancy is that is much harder than I thought it would be. The Reality is that most days I throw up and then lay in bed and sob because I am convinced that I am not giving Baby enough nutrients. 

My Husband, who just might be the best person who has EVER lived, has been so supportive and wonderful. Some times I try to tell him how much I love him and guess what? I cry. Again. More. Sob, really. Because I can't make it from my bed to the kitchen to pour myself more water. And if I do, the food in the fridge (guess what, go ahead, guess what it does!), yes, it makes me want to throw up. 

I'm going to need lots of help. Not just when she gets here (did I mention we found out that Baby is a girl!?) but now. I need help now some days. I need people not to judge me when I have to leave early, or when I don't come to something at all. I need people to accept that my house is a mess and just pretend that they can't see it, or just come clean for me. Just come and ask what you can do to help. Accept that I get tired easily, and that I throw up all the time, pretty much everywhere. 

For the most part, people have done these things. Maybe it's all in my head that I imagine people are doing these things. I'm trying to voice these things though, because if I don't, they stay in my head, and they fester, and grow and become something new entirely. Bring us food. Ask me what I want and bring me something, please, bring my husband something. I feel like the poor man never eats. Ever. Because I can't cook for him. I know it's not true. But...it's how it all feels. 

Biggest confession? I'm not good at this humble thing. I don't know how to do it some days. I get home from work, if I can make it to work, and I have to lay down. I just have to. I feel defeated. And somehow, like I'm doing this the wrong way. Like maybe, I can't make this happen. Like maybe I'm not a good mother. I have those fears. Husband says that I have to high Expectations for myself, so I'm trying to look at the Reality of this, of what I CAN and CAN'T do. Turns out there's a lot. 

I've been trying to stay positive. And for the most part, I can. In front of people. But in the middle of the night, when I thrown up water, again, and I'm sitting curled around the toilet, praying that it will please just stop, those are the times when it's really hard. When I eat something and immediately have to go get rid of it, those are the times when it's really hard. 

People keep asking me how I'm doing. I'm so excited for my baby, but so sick and so sick of being sick, some times I just don't know what to say. Because no one plans for this, no one wants this. 

Maybe this week was just one of the roughest (it was...I mean, heller, we had a trip to the freaking ER...), at one point, I cried for my Mommy. I threw up on a friends lawn because I couldn't make it home. Some one mentioned seeing me walk out of church several times last week...these things, they embarrass me. They do. I know no one cares, I know people care about my health and that of our little girl, but it doesn't make any of it easier. 

I am slowly but surely connecting the Reality of what is happening to the way that I feel. It's been hard though. And some days I'm not so good at it. Like when I have to call my boss and tell her I can't make it to work, again. Or worse, when I throw up in front of the young man I work with. He's probably traumatized for life. 

So many people care about us, about my Husband, about Me, about Baby Girl. We know this. I know this. I have a sister in law who calls to check on me, and I love her for it. I have a friend who lets me complain and vent. I have a midwife who I call about every blessed thing and who GENUINELY CARES about what is happening to us. It's those times when no one is here, and I've thrown up water again, and I can't eat because I'm scared, but I still force something down that still comes up, that it gets hard. 

And I know, I KNOW, that she is worth this. I get it. STOP TELLING ME THIS. I know. I haven't forgotten that in June I get to meet this precious little thing that my husband and I created together. I'm not there yet though. I'm just not. 

Be patient with me as I adjust my Expectations and accept the Reality of this all...believe me, it's a lot to take in.