I've been trying to think of the best way to start this post. I've had a hard time with it. I don't articulate well these days and I don't ever want to sound unkind. 

We had an appointment yesterday and I haven't really talked about it (except for a select group of people). I know that I don't owe anyone anything, updates, thoughts, feelings...I share because I want to. However, I share when I want to. 

Seeing Tinman's cardiac pediatrician always just throws me off. It always just sorta sucks. I hate the echo-cardiograms and the ultrasounds, I hate visibly seeing his heart up on the screen. It's pretty clear at this point. You can see where the left of part of his heart doesn't work. Having Blair there helped so much yesterday and I'm thankful he was there. It still throws me off and hurts my heart. 

I was just done yesterday. I just wanted to ignore the whole world and cuddle Ellie and snuggle next to Blair. Nothing new happened, we didn't receive more or less information, I just wanted to be home and forget anything else existed. 

I'm having a hard time right now being graceful. Tactful. People wanted to know how it went and how we were doing and it's so sweet, so many people care, and I'm so so so thankful. Some days though...some days, I just...I'm angry. I was angry yesterday. At everyone. At no one. At myself. At any person who dared to message me. Wonderful people who care so much about Blair and I...and I just wanted to be mean. 

I didn't say much of anything to anyone, because it's very strange for me to feel this way. I'm used to people not knowing what to say. People did that after our miscarriages. People did that when I lost 50 pounds with Ellie. I realize people think I'm strong and that I'm handling this well and that they just don't know what to say and they care so they want to say something. 

My son will never have a normal heart. These surgeries prolong his life and give us so much more time than other people in the past have had, but he will always need to be careful. He will always need to be monitored. Unless someone gives him a whole new heart one day he will never be "fixed". Please don't say to me, at least there are surgeries. 

What terrible words...at least. 

Those words, never, in any situation, make someone feel better. 

I am thankful for the time we will have and already have had with our son. I am thankful that they will work on his heart and give us more time. I am thankful that medicine has come this far. 

I am scared. I am scared he won't make it through that first surgery. I am scared that the right ventricle of his heart will decide it's too much work and wimp out too (which, I found out yesterday is something we need to be watching for). I am scared that he will never want to nurse from my breast. I am scared that Ellie will scream every time she has to leave me, because she realizes that Mommy doesn't get to come home. 

I am scared and thankful and so full of so many emotions that some days it's all too much. 

I wish my Mother in Law could be home when he's born, so her calm voice of reason and her "we're going to make a plan and make it happen" attitude will help me on my emotional days. 

I wish I knew if after he's born if I will be able to go back to work and I don't know that yet. 

I wish that I didn't have to look into being induced because if for any reason I went into labor on my own and had my son in the car, it would be bad bad bad news bears. 

I wish and hope and pray a lot of things right now. 

Appointment days end up being bad days. Yesterday I needed to calm and quiet myself and sit at Jesus feet and tell him all these things and more. Because I know this will bring me and Blair and even Ellie closer to God. I know that we will reap in joy after these tears and hard times. I know that no matter what I feel God is holding me closely and whispering his love for me.  I know that it's ok to admit how scared I am, because once I admit that God can take it and remind me, "Fear not, for I am with you, I will not forsake you". 

I talk about this a lot. I'm going to keep talking about it. I know some people will not want to listen and that's ok. Waiting for Tinman to be born is like being stuck in a weird limbo where I know what's going to happen...and I'm just...just waiting for it. It's not my favorite place to be. 

I don't mean to offend anyone or upset them when I say that I might get a little distant from people. understand that as much as I push people away your support and love mean the world to me during this time. I just...I just don't always want to talk about it. It's so much easier to write about this all once I've had time to process this than to have to talk about it when I'm grocery shopping at Walmart. 

The more information we gather and the closer I get to welcoming my son earth side the crazier I feel I become. 

Please please please, I beg for your patience. That's all I know to ask for right now.