Recording this Journey

What a strange journey we are embarking on...

First we were like, let's get married, yayyy! And then we did. And then we decided (kinda) to have kids, and we got pregnant and were like, yayyy! And then we lost that precious baby...and God reconstructed our hearts and our minds. And we got pregnant again, and made it through the first trimester, and we were like yayy!! And then I got sick...but we had the most precious baby girl, so it didn't matter. And then we got pregnant again again, and then...we lost that wonderful baby as well. I went numb for a little while. Until we found out, for the fourth time, we were pregnant. We held our breath to make it past the first trimester and we did...and then.

And then seems to be our words. Maybe there will always be an And Then in our marriage. And then this happens or that happens or doesn't happen, who knows what our expectations will be from here on out.

I'm figuring out that nothing is certain. Nothing is set in stone. Everything is left up to my God and He's got His ideas of how things will go.

I feel like Blair and I are reading a book...watching our lives unfold together. We are the characters and God is writing along, throwing out some curve balls and plot twists. But my little brother likes to quote something "When God throws you a curve ball, don't duck, you just might miss something" (Yes Zeb, I quoted Extreme Days...get over yourself...what am I talking about, he doesn't read these! haha). Every curve ball God has thrown us has brought us deeper into relationship with Himself. Has revealed something we would have missed about Who He Is if we hadn't gone through it.

My son having HLHS (Hydro-plastic Left Heart Syndrome) is, somehow, going to bring us both closer to God.

But the truth is, right now, I don't see how. I don't know how. All I know is being scared and pushing through. All I know is taking day by day. All I know is praying. All I know is reminding myself and asking Blair to remind me over and over again that we will be ok. All I know is that I finally reached out to a support group, and while it was a good idea to do so, it's also hard to see their pictures and hear their stories and know that that is what is in store for us.

I am worried about Ellie while I'm gone with V (the affectionate nickname for our son), I am worried about Blair while I'm gone, I am worried about our bills, I am worried about people who are also going through hard things. I am worried people will not want to come see us hours away at the hospital, I am worried that people will stop inviting me to things. I am just worried. I am.

I don't let those worries consume me...at least not everyday, because I still have the most adorable little girl who needs me and right now, I need her. I cuddle her and rock her and cry sometimes when I do it, because soon, she's gonna be with Daddy an awful lot and I am going to miss her something fierce. (Let's be honest, I miss her when Blair and I go on dates and leave her with my parents...)

I'm trying to write more. I'm trying to record this. It's a journey and Lord Willing I will be on the other side of this mountain and won't it be awesome to see how we got through?

Won't it be awesome to see how my awesome God uses this for His Glory?

See, today, is a good day. And I need to remember that. I need to remember that God will see us through, I need to remember that He has a plan, I need to remember that today on December 8th, I was ok and at peace.

Just like I remember that last Thursday I  was not ok. When I saw his small little heart up on the screen a lump rose in my throat. When the Dr encouraged me to be near the hospital he will need surgery at I felt my eyes well up. When she asked me why we wouldn't opt for surgery while he's in the uterus and I explained that the risks, his death, were just to great, and she scoffed slightly, I was not ok. Just like I remember that yesterday when I reached out to other HLHS moms and dads and saw pictures of their tiny newborns hooked to tubes and machines and the scars...I was not ok.

Day by Day. Week by Week. I am going to commit to recording V's journey. I am going to remember...

God is good. All the time.
All the time. God is good.