Messy

I've been thinking a lot about this Blog and what it's named. Been thinking about Art and Life and all that jazz.

The other day my amazing Husband picked me up some gesso from the store so I could re-paint a few things. As I was using it, little bits of paint splattered onto my hand, and then got wiped onto my sleeve. I was struck by the thought that I don't have a pair of paint pants right now...and I got sad.

Art can be so messy. I love when it is. I love when there are flecks of paint on my nails and on my clothes. I love the process of art. I love that you start with something and work until you create something new and unique that you like. It's a lot of fun.

So often when people look at a piece of art they see the finished piece. Something whole. Put together. They consider it beautiful. As they should, art is meant to be looked at and enjoyed.

When I look at pieces of artwork, I see the love and the process behind it. I wonder at the hours it took to make something, the work that went into it, the layers and layers of paint. I wonder if the artist thought about scrapping a project entirely and starting again. I wonder if they ever hated a piece only to have loads of people beg them to leave it alone.

Art is a messy, beautiful process.

Life is a messy, beautiful process.

God Art.

I wonder if He looks down at our lives and loves our messy beautiful selves. I wonder if He knows we are works in progress and cringes sometimes while He works on us.

It's a quickly going to be a new year.

I'll be honest, I'm not looking forward to it.

I'm not looking forward to the fight my son will have. I'm not looking forward to leaving my girl while I go to have him. I'm not looking forward to it, I'm just not.

I'm looking forward to finding out how God will move. I'm looking forward to finding out how close Blair and I will come through this.

If I look at this past year as a canvas, as an art project, I would paint over parts and start again. I would paint over the loss of yet another baby we didn't get to know. I would paint over the days this summer where I could barely make it to the bathroom before getting sick. I would paint over the day that I went to have an ultrasound and they "found" something...when I was alone in my car, crying because I didn't understand and didn't know who to call or what to do.

Here's the deal though, just because you paint over something, doesn't mean it goes away. Those layers will always be there. It will always be part of that painting.

I'm marveling that despite my messes, despite the long process, I am still becoming God's Art. I am still a masterpiece. He loves me, right here, right now. Even on my worst days (and believe me, days when I have to call a friend to come change my girl because I literally can't stop throwing up...that's a worst day).

It's important to remember I think. That Art is Messy. That even God's Art gets messy.

That I am still a Mess.

But with every day, with every brush of the Savior's paint brush I become more and more beautiful.